One Final Thought.

I've had a colorful year all while wearing black. I found my roots and did it Texas style a. k. a. Kick ass and ask questions later. Love was always up for interpretation and I think i found a version that I like. Music will always heal, support and take me spiritually higher. Keeping a journal will always document that I HAD done something with my life and prove that I kept getting up even when Life decided to keep me down, as a test of course. Books will always be an escape and hobby. I'm smarter than I give myself credit for. I will always write letters no matter the time it takes to write them. Creativity will always be better and appreciated when encouraged and not forced. But most of all, I always stayed in the truest form of self through it all. My only advice for the New Year is: Be the first to laugh at the dumbest things, speak your mind often, cry privately and probably to a Glee number, dance stupidly and enjoy it, take a mulitivitamin, don't drink AND drive; do one or the other, kiss the one who has your heart every chance you get, listen to the wind, feel the sunshine on your skin and look at the moon and stars every night and marvel at the show they put on.

Midnight Hour.

I feel it in the air. I feel it in my bones. I keep it inside so nobody knows. See it in the smoke. See it in the cloud. Not even the crickets make a sound. The cold wraps around me like a blanket. In this state of mind I coudnt fake it. In this state of mind I was the one who made it. The story that continued without the detour. I can see it now forevermore. I can see the memories like A black an white horror m ovie without the gore. Growing up on E street where two shamen raised me up until my twenties. Two years later I felt like a prisoner so I had to break free. I needed a new family. Burning up the cd's. That one really sticks with me even in the 1-3. Moving up from the authority that tried corner me. Standing at my front door wishing i could tranform nastalgia into liquid form. I'll always be the dreamer, a full hearted believer. I'm overcome with this newfound power. I want to bind myself to this midnight hour.

I'll Have Another.

Another sip from my wine stained coffee cup. Reality is the fantasy but when it hits my blood that's when I start thinking about us.

Living the imperfect life night after night. Drinking clearly but feeling messed up inside.

The damage we made and the price that we paid because we were morally bankrupt but rich in other ways.

Another line on the bathroom counter. What kind of night will we encounter this time? Maybe we'll eventually forget what we did tonight.

We were the type that would dance in a dark room and still be laughing it all away. Sometimes I'd wonder what karma would bring today.

Every now and then I wish I could take it all back. But that would mean killing the fact we were ever real.

I lost my wallet, I lost my mind. I fell down the rabbit hole and what did I find? Alice crying on the kitchen floor while the Mad Hatter danced in the shower and Portia kicked in your car door.

In Wonderland is where our story began.

We sat around talking about the future and rehashing the past. You asked if I'd have another. . . .

As if you have to ask. . .

G St. Chapter Five: "One Wish"

It’s amazing what can happen in six month’s time. It was like my senses seemed to be heightened and everything was in high definition. Maybe it was because I was enjoying working at The Bluestone or that I was head over heels for AJ, a guy I was now currently exclusive with or maybe it was because The Starlight Festival was this weekend. Eastway was known for a few things: 1. having one of the highest recorded auto accidents in the state 2. Bandanas were the second most request item by tourists and 3. The Starlight Festival, one of the largest LGBT events in town but open to everyone. It’s the one time of year that the park is entirely decorated in white lights. There’s food, fun, a dance by the gazebo and at midnight all the lights begin to twinkle and that’s when you’re supposed to make a wish on the first star you see. It was all an exciting event and one that I actually showed my full enthusiasm for.

My doorbell rang just as I was stringing my own set of lights along my window sill, my own little way of pre-gaming for the event. Plus, it’s like having your own personal constellation in your bedroom. I could hear Leo shrieking from downstairs, “Alan! How delightful it is to see you! Come in!”

I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost time to start my shift at The Bluestone. I grabbed my nametag off the nightstand and headed downstairs. As I suspected, Leo had AJ in one of his trademark suffocating hugs. Was it my imagination or was his face turning a light shade of purple? Luckily, it didn’t take too much to pry him from Leo’s death grip. I would’ve broken out the Crisco if the situation elevated from cautious to def con one.

“Freddy, it’s rude to keep a gentleman waiting for you.” He said smoothing AJ’s shirt and pulling a piece of lint off his shoulders.

“I bet it’s even ruder to smother a gentleman. Then again, I think the kids would call that murder.” AJ just stood in silence with a look of amusement on his face. He enjoyed watching me and Leo go back and forth. He called it cute the way I’d get that frustrated look on my face.

“Well, we better go. Don’t want Alex to get mad at you for being late.” AJ said breaking the tension and taking my hand.

“You kids be careful now, you hear!” Leo called out to us from the porch in a southern accent.

“Is he always so theatrical?” AJ asked as we got into his car.

“You’ve known him for quite some time now, what do you think? His Oscar should be arriving any day now.”

The Bluestone was in full swing when I arrived with Alex popping caps off beer bottles, Janelle Monae was playing from the speakers and the three other night servers moving at a brisk pace from one end of the building to the other concentrating hard on their pads of paper. I didn’t know why they stressed so much, people were here to unwind after a long day and didn’t care how long you took or how perfect you were at your job as long as you had the first drink on the table quickly and the second round on deck. I spotted a regular at the bar knuckle deep in the bowl of peanuts having a vodka tonic. His name was Dave, an account who liked to come here after a hard day of crunching numbers to take the edge off. Plus, he had a thing for Jerry, one of the night servers. Dave was in his early thirties, kind of balding on the top, but built like a linebacker. Jerry was twenty-six and had a slim and slender body with a dazzling personality. They both were clearly into each other but one would never make a move on the other. Maybe it was time to play cupid or meddling busybody, whichever sounded more romantic.

I sauntered over to where Dave was sitting and before I could reach out and tap him on the shoulder a hand grabbed me and began pulling me away. This was the work of one man, Alex. “I know what you’re doing and we don’t have time for that now. You just got sat a table that I don’t personally feel like looking at so if you would please put your bow and arrow away tonight and grab a tray.” He said pulling me away like a child being taken to the naughty step as I watched Dave become smaller and smaller within sight.

“But, Alex, you don’t understand! Tonight could be the night!” I tried pleading with him.

He slapped a tray in my hand and said, “Tonight could be the night, the night you get fired.” Throwing cocktail napkins on it “Go” he said pointing to the corner table with two girls, three guys and one face I recognized, Damian Tamez. I remembered Alex had told me about him. This guy was trouble, but from what I hear from the other servers, a great tipper. The good seemed to outweigh the bad and so I plucked up my courage, held my head high and walked right over there with a smile on my face so bright it would make Mary Poppins look like a crack whore. It seemed I had stumbled on a double date plus one Damian. The ladies were having beers, the gentlemen were having Cosmo’s and when I came to Damian he didn’t speak, he barely made eye contact. I stood there waiting patiently before he uttered four words in a deep husky voice: “Vodka neat two olives.” That’s the only thing he said to me except “I’ll have another” for the entire night.

I had enough time in between waiting on Damian’s table, a couple of housewives ‘having girls night’ and a table of men in suits who tipped quite handsomely to actually find Jerry somewhere in the bedlam of it all. I had to start sowing the seeds for him and Dave.

I checked to see if Alex was lurking around to jump me before I could set my romantic plan into motion. When I spotted Jerry refilling the ice bin I made a bee line to him and before I could reach his apron strings a pair of strong hands grabbed me from behind and began pulling me away. By the time we were out of earshot I released myself from Alex’s hands and became irrationally angry.

“I was THIS close to setting my plan into motion and you ruined it for a second time!”

“Yeah, yeah tell that load of bull to someone who doesn’t see through your agenda.”

“Why do you hate love, Alex? Why do you hate seeing other people happy?” I said dramatically gesturing catching the attention of a couple sitting at a table nearby giving us weird looks.

“Keep your voice down. You’re starting to sound like Leo. Who are you to say who people belong with? I thought fate, or whatever that stuff you keep trying to get me to believe in decides all that crap?” I admit he had a point. Maybe fate was to decide if Jerry and Dave should end up together. Then again, why can’t fate have a helping hand from me?

“Get back to work. When the rush is over you can play cupid with whoever you want.” That was the last thing he said before walking away.

I spent the rest of the night slinging cocktails to prospective tippers when things began to die down. The rush had left to go home to their partners, lovers, houseplants and I was left with one table, Damian’s. His friends had left him alone with him sitting quietly at the table with empty martini glasses and soiled cocktail napkins. It was kind of sad seeing him sitting there working on his fourth drink. I figured I shouldn’t disturb his silent calm and just started cleaning up around him. In the middle of my stacking the glasses he stops me uttering only three words this time: “What’s your poison?” he asked taking me aback slightly.

“Sobriety” I answered trying to make a little bar joke.

“Well, then let’s change that. Let me buy you a drink.” He said standing up and taking the tray from me. “What’ll it be?” he asked switching me places and suddenly he was the one standing and I was the one sitting in the booth. He held up his hands like he was trying to take my order with an imaginary pen and pad. I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at the sight of this. After hearing him recite our drink specials I assumed I should call a cab for this guy at some point. It was time to take control over the situation before Alex did. I could see him seething from a distance.

“Here, sit down. Why don’t I call a cab service or a friend? Anyone specific you’d like me to call?” switching him places again holding on to his rather firm biceps.

“I’m not even drunk. Four drinks do not a drunken guy make.” He looked like the type that could handle his liquor and he wasn’t slurring or being belligerent so I guess it was ok. I picked up my tray and walked away feeling like I was being stared at. Damian stayed for another half hour before paying his tab and leaving a fifty dollar tip. As I pocketed that crisp bill I couldn’t help but find him quite intriguing.

The night eventually died to another successful close and it was just me and Alex closing up shop. I had spent enough time with Alex closing that I pretty much knew how to do it by myself. Alex was sorting through receipts as I was wiping down the last of the tables. He didn’t talk to me the whole time I was cleaning and he’s usually a chatty Cathy at close. When I was done I tossed the wet towel I was using at him and it made a nice slapping sound as it smacked his face. Was it my imagination or was that a smile coming across his face?

“You think you’re funny don’t you.” He said prying the wet towel off his face tossing it back at me. I barely dodged it and pulled a stool right next to him. “I consider myself comical with a hint of sass.” I sat silently next to him as he continued to fuss with the receipts,

“Did you need anything else, boss man?” He shook his head without making eye contact with me. I took that as a sign that maybe I should leave. I flipped the stool I was sitting on onto the bar and turned to walk away. Before I could reach the door I heard Alex call out to me, “Hey! Good job tonight.” I smiled back at him and let the door close behind me.

As I stepped out into the night I wrapped my jacket tighter around me. I could see my breath as I passed under the streetlights. It was times like this I wish I had my car fixed. It’s only six blocks from the bar, but six blocks on foot seems to make all the difference. As I began closing in on my block I couldn’t help but think about how odd this night was: my failed plan to get the ball rolling with Dave and Jerry, Alex’s weird mood and my encounter with Damian. In what universe do these things actually happen? Oh, that’s right, mine. Things always get a little weird the week of The Starlight Festival. When I finally crawled into bed I felt my body heavy with exhaustion. The last thing I saw were the string of lights carefully placed around my windowsill. As I drifted into sleep it was like I was drifting into the universe itself.

I was enjoying a lovely dream about dancing in the stars with AJ, spinning within the cosmos. His smile was the reason the stars shone so bright. His eyes were the reason they twinkled. But when I heard the doorbell ring everything seemed to fade away further and further into the unknown. Everything was black and I suddenly woke up and realized I was in my room. I crawled out of bed holding onto my comforter acting as a buffer just in case my disoriented body decided to bump into any walls. I peeked through the peephole to discover it was AJ being his usual early bird self. After months of dating you’d think he’d know that Leo and I didn’t believe in mornings. It was probably the only religious belief we practiced, and yet, here he was bright eyed and bushy tailed. I opened the door with my bed head and giant comforter wrapped around myself like a life vest trying not to glare at him and the morning sunlight that pierced my vision. I welcomed him in silence trying to keep my eyelids open.

“I brought coffee” he said in his warm voice giving me a quick kiss on the head as he passed me. I plopped down onto the couch as he followed. I proceeded to nuzzle my head into his chest. He planted a kiss on top of my head again which only made me pull him closer. We didn’t speak, just became tangled with each other. I found myself on top of him listening to his breathing. It was deep and even almost soothing as I was trying to fall back to sleep. I felt him stir beneath me and I peeked out of the corner of my eye to see him looking back at me, his eyes sparkling just as they did in my dream staring at me like he wanted to tell me something.

“I’m really looking forward to this weekend.” He said as I nuzzled myself against him again nodding in silence.

“Me too, it’s probably my favorite night of the entire year. It’s going to be extra special because you’ll be there.” I told him. He wrapped his arms around me in a warm cuddle. I heard him mumble something before I began slipping back into a peaceful slumber slipping deeper into his heavenly embrace drifting ever so lightly back to our dance with the universe.

When I awoke again it was sometime before ten o’ clock and he was still beneath me just as I had left him. “Hey, handsome “I said stretching my body like a cat that spent the day napping in the sun. He laughed sitting up putting his arm around my shoulder.

“And good afternoon to you, too.” he replied. He smelt nice. I couldn’t tell if it was his cologne or his natural musk. Either way, I had somehow missed it before, maybe my senses aren’t up before noon either. He handed me my now cold coffee and I sipped it slowly.

“Did you sleep ok? I didn’t make you uncomfortable, did I?”

“My pillow has nothing on you.” I said winking to him. He smiled softly and it felt like my heart had skipped a beat.

“I hope you caught a few Z’s yourself.” He laced his fingers with mine holding me firmly.

“I actually didn’t. I had a lot more fun watching you sleep. You’re breathing is soft and you look so peaceful.” I blushed a bit. How can a man be so entertained observing? He released my hand and caressed my face. Lightly tracing the curve of my cheek before his lips met mine. This moment was too perfect, almost surreal the way he was kissing me. Was I still dreaming? Had I accidently fallen down a rabbit hole and didn’t even know it? This man couldn’t possibly exist in the real world. He finally let me catch my breath and stared deeply into my eyes. Yes, this was real. Even if everything else didn’t feel like it his eyes were always the lighthouse that led me back to reality.

“I was actually daydreaming.” He said breaking the silence. I basked in the warm feeling of his kiss before opening my eyes again.

“What were you daydreaming about?” I asked curiously trying to read his mind.

“About my wish.” He replied while tracing the outline of my hand. I had almost forgotten about that part. I didn’t know what I wanted to wish about either at the festival. I felt like I had everything I could ever want right now: A roof over my head, great friends and an amazing man in my life. Most people didn’t have that kind of luck.

“Need help narrowing it down?” I asked resting my head against his shoulder.

“That’d be cheating.”

“How so?”

“Because you’re not supposed to say out loud what you’re wishing for.”

“I thought we were supposed to make our own rules. You know, break from tradition, and blaze our own trails.”

He didn’t say anything after that and neither did I. This wasn’t an awkward or uncomfortable silence. It was the exact opposite. Even silence couldn’t touch us right now. And in each other’s comfortable company is where we would spend the rest of the day.

Finally, the day I had been waiting for all week had arrived, The Starlight Festival. There was no sleeping in today. I wanted to absorb every detail of this day. I showered and managed to do something presentable with my hair. I even cooked! And it use that term lightly. I basically managed to make the smallest mess possible in the kitchen with my mad fruit chopping skills.

            I heard Leo come downstairs and make his way to the kitchen, “Mmm what smells so good?” he asked as I placed two bowls of chopped fruit, eggs and two glasses of orange juice on the table.

            “It must be this delicious spread. I even grouped divided the berries by their specific families because I know you hate when the blueberries fraternize with the raspberries.” I answered beaming with pride over my display of domesticity. He walked slowly to me with a look of determination in his eyes. “Yes, that’s what it must be. Let’s see, we got strawberries, raspberries, honeydew melon and. . . . . peach.” I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise as he came slowly behind me sniffing my brown hair keenly.

            “Alright! Alright! I used your conditioner! Jeez!” I said jumping away from his nostrils. “When did you become such a hair diva anyway?” I asked checking my reflection in the shiny exterior of the toaster. Not a hair out of place.

            “It is specially formulated to keep my hair lustrous and healthy.” He explained emphasizing with his hands. I rolled my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair. Wow, I’ve never felt it so soft before. It truly was a magical day.

            “Oh, by the way, I got you something to wear tonight.” Leo said in between mouthfuls of fruit. I stared at him defensively. He knows I hate when he tries to buy me clothes to wear. It feels too fatherly, but he is convinced he “knows what’s best for me” which doesn’t help his case any. He got up from the table and returned with a shoe box with a red ribbon on it. I groaned at the sight of it. Shoes of all things he could buy me. “Why did you do this? I’m not in Jr. High going to my first boy-girl party.” I sighed.

            “Just shut up and open it” He said placing the box in front of me. I merely looked at it like a child being forced to sit at the table until he finished all his vegetables. Leo sighed in frustration as he pulled the ribbon off for me while I had a sour look on my face. When he lifted the box it was a pair of square toed loafers in black. “Do you like them?” he asked looking at my unhappy expression. “They’re a pair of lovely Italian loafers that I bought because I know how much you love this day and because you know how much I care about you and your happiness.” He sure was laying it on thick.

            I was starting to feel bad so I softened my expression a tad. “Yep, there it is, my daily guilt trip.” I finally said, “And yes, I do like them. They’ll be perfect for tonight when I dance happily with AJ underneath the stars.” I grabbed Leo and began waltzing around the dining table.

            “I wouldn’t recommend too much dancing, hon. New shoes equal some mild discomfort for the feet. Especially Italian shoes. They don’t play when it comes to footwear.”

            I stopped waltzing and decided I should see how much discomfort I’m in for. I slipped just one on and it realized they were a little stiff. This was going to be a challenge. “Do you want to be the only one who isn’t wearing cute shoes? Just wear them around for the rest of the day and they should feel just fine.” Leo said with his arms across his chest giving me a look like I should understand where he was coming from.

            I groaned again putting my head in my hands, “That’s what I’m afraid of, that I won’t be able to feel my feet ever again.”

            “Now now, don’t be so cynical” he said patting my head, “If beauty is pain fashion is murder.”

            Words of wisdom I would quickly register and forget by the end of the night. I spent the rest of the day breaking in my fancy new shoes. As I suspected, my feet were unhappy and wanted to stay home, but tonight was a night for destiny! Or the night I would have to be carried home. But if it was AJ the one doing it I suppose I could take that bullet. Fashion is murder, right?

            Leo and I piled into the Lila’s car dressed in our best and made our way to the park. AJ said he’d meet me there before midnight because he wanted to pick something up for the occasion. It was all very mysterious but I decided not to push the issue.

            When we arrived it was like we had taken a ferry to fairyland. Everywhere you turned there were lights upon lights. They were hung in the trees, wrapped around streetlights, the gazebo, benches and even the water fountains. Eastway’s finest had definitely outdone themselves. It was almost like they had taken the stars themselves out of the sky and scattered them all over the park. The three of us made our way to the gazebo where the Mayor was going to speak before the festivities could begin. He was a man in his mid-fifties who always had a soft spot for the LGBT seeing how his own daughter had come out to them in her teens. Now, here she was accompanying her mother and father along with her partner of ten years to tonight’s event. The Mayor stepped up to the podium sporting a rainbow ribbon on his lapel.

            “I’d like to thank everyone who has joined us to tonight’s event. This is a special evening where we celebrate unity and love, not just in the LGBT community, but in our community as a town because after all, there is only one community and this is it, all of us here. No labels, no hate, just love. I am a proud father of a beautiful daughter and the father-in-law to her equally beautiful partner. And who knows, I just might end up being a grandfather someday.” He turned to his family and blew them a kiss, “So let us unite as a community and have fun tonight. Thank you!” We all clapped, hooted and hollered after his speech and with that, the night began.

            The evening was a whirlwind of food from local restaurants, beautiful music, a mix of local musicians and a dj and I was here with my friends. Speaking of, where were they? We somehow had gotten separated and now I was lost looking for a familiar face in the crowd.

I was walking towards the gazebo when a sweet looking elderly man stopped me, “Would you like a rose?” he asked offering me a long stemmed rose.

“Oh, that’s very sweet, but I don’t have any money.” I told him.

“Nonsense! Tonight is about togetherness and love. Money only taints such beautiful gifts. Take it, please.” He placed it in my hand and smiled again. There was a familiarity about his eyes like I had seen them before. I waved goodbye to him and inhaled deeply the sweet scent of the rose.

I was halfway to the gazebo when I spotted Alex sitting on a bench next to where people had begun dancing.

“Hey!” I called out to him trying to get his attention. He spotted me and slid over to one side of the bench making room for me. “What are you doing here? I thought you hated stuff like this.” I asked as he pulled at a string of lights.

“Do you want the truth or a lie?” he asked.

“Both.”

“Ok, but you have to guess which one is the truth.” He sighed, “I’m here helping my dad and believe it or not, I kind of look forward the Starlight Festival.”

I don’t think I heard him correctly. Either one of those could be the truth or a lie. I’ve only heard Alex mention his father a handful of times and I’ve never known him to “look forward” to anything except for an event that I might have dragged him to be over.

“Give up yet?” he asked waiting for a response but I still hadn’t decided which one was which. I must’ve stayed in this quiet contemplation for a while because he was waving his hand in my face to snap me out of it. “Hey, are you ok? I almost held a mirror under your nose to make sure you were still breathing.”

“Yeah, I think so.” Shaking my head. “I never thought I’d say it, but I give up. I have no idea which one is the truth.” I said smelling my rose again.

“Well, hang on to something because they both are.” A Cheshire cat grin crept across my face and my eyes lit up with glee.

            “I never thought I’d see the day. Alex Franco has a heart.” I couldn’t help but go into a fit of laughter. “Would you keep it down? I don’t want it getting out. I have an image to uphold.” He said trying to get me to calm down.

“I want to meet your dad. Bring him to me at once!” I demanded, searching the crowd of people for a grumpy looking man who might resemble Alex in even the slightest way.

“You’ve already met him” he said pointing to the flower I was holding. It didn’t take too long to connect the dots and I was already burning with curiosity. I had only heard a few things about Alex’s father and only seen the one picture of him back in his younger days on the mantle at the bar. I had made actual contact with the man who was responsible for Alex’s existence and I had missed it.

“You look surprised” Alex said.

“Yeah, a little. I guess I pictured your dad to be like you, moody and possibly turning over a few cars like The Hulk” I said giving him a poke in the ribs.

He chuckled to himself, “Oddly enough this is his favorite time of the year, too. He has this weird fantasy of me meeting someone at this thing. He thinks I’m lonely. He just wants me to be happy.”

I watched him as he spoke. He was looking down fidgeting with his hands. I wanted to know how he really felt. He rarely went out in public and when he did it was because we dragged him out of the bar. My curiosity was nagging at me again.

“Are you lonely?” I asked softly. His hands stopped fidgeting and he turned his whole body to me. His jaw clenched and he looked down sort of embarrassed. Typical Alex behavior, he was never one to open up about his feelings. After a minute or two of awkward silence I decided to make a bold gesture. “Here” I said handing him the rose his father gave me. “Let’s dance.” I grabbed him by the hand and struggled to get him on the dance floor.

“What the hell are you doing?” Alex asked pulling his hands away from mine.

“Oh, c’mon, what’s the big deal? It’s a slow song, anyway. Just sway.” He grumbled something under his breath and stubbornly followed me to the dance floor. I picked a spot in the corner nowhere near the center so he wouldn’t be too nervous of people watching. Although he kind of did look nervous like this was his first time dancing. “Are you alright?” I asked putting my arms around his neck.

He cleared his throat, “Yeah, let’s just get this over with.”

“My stars, Alex, you must drive all the boys crazy with a line like that.”

He gave me a frustrated look and put his hands on his waist. I recognized the song that was playing.

Just like star across my sky, just like an angel off the page, you have appeared to my life. Feel like I’ll never be the same. . . .

We continued to sway from side to side as the song progressed. I was hypnotized by the lights in my eyes all around us and the chords in the song. In a moment of weakness I put my head on Alex’s chest and felt his body stiffen at first then relax. His heart was racing for some odd reason. Thump, thump, thump, thump. I think he was nervous dancing in front of all these people. Everywhere I looked there were happy couples swaying the same way we were, smiling the same way I was. I lifted my head from Alex’s chest and he was staring back smiling just like I was. I knew I recognized those eyes before. He got his eyes from his father. They were a nice chocolate brown, they were warm and seemed to make the moment last longer. It felt like we were drifting peacefully through a sea of diamonds. I felt like my body shimmered all over. I was totally immersed in this moment. Alex and I continued to stare at each other. It was the longest we had ever done so without him yelling or me saying something sarcastic. His smile got bigger like he was thinking the same thing and I got a glimpse at his sparkling white teeth which only were amplified by the fact that the lights began twinkling. The song had come to a close and we were actually standing in the middle of the dance floor. The scene sparkled like we were in the middle of an actual firework. Shimmers of light surrounded us and it felt like, just for a second, like it was just us two.

“Make a wish” Alex whispered in my ear. His breath was warm on my neck. I thought I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I closed my eyes and an image flashed in my head: AJ. I opened my eyes quickly with a gasp. “What’s wrong?” Alex asked no longer with the warmth in his eyes as before, but with a look of worry to replace it. I checked my watch and it was a little after midnight. Where was he?

“It’s nothing, I don’t think.” I told him noticing that I was still with his arms around my waist. We slowly untangled from each other and had become two separate people again. I made my way to the nearest bench and sat down. Alex sat next to me not knowing what to say. He must’ve gotten lost or lost track of time running the mysterious errand he had. That’s it. I told myself over and over trying to explain to myself what might have happened.

“Something’s wrong.” Alex said breaking the silence that had brought us to the bench. “Did I step on your toes or something? I knew I shouldn’t be out there. I probably made a fool of myself.”

“No, no, it’s not you.” I reassured him. “It’s just. . . . AJ’s not here. He promised he’d be here before midnight and he never showed up.” I felt the slightest pang of disappointment. What could’ve kept him? I looked up at Alex and he was staring at me with sympathetic eyes.

“Freddy I-“ But he was cut off by the ringing of my phone. The caller ID flashed AJ’s number and I answered it immediately.

“Hey, stranger. Is everything ok? When you didn’t show up I began to worry.” I expected to hear his smooth voice on the other side of the line giving me sending waves of comfort throughout me. But instead it was a woman’s voice I didn’t recognize.

“Uh, yes, is this Freddy?”
            “Yes, may I ask who this is?” My heart began to race. Thump, thump, thump, thump.

“Yes, well, I found your number quite frequently in his recent calls so I figured you two kept in touch a great deal.” Her voice sounded a little shaky but polite like she was trying to keep her composure. “This is actually Alan’s mother. He asked me to tell you not to worry, but. . . . Alan’s been in an accident.”

Thump, thump, thump, thump. . . . 

Smile Upon Me

“There’s a place in this world where people like me are found by people like you. So find a place as this forever divine. Oh, yeah, you’re the best damn friend that I’ll ever have, you’ll always smile upon me when the seasons bad, you’ll always make me feel best even when I’m blue, you’ll always smile upon me and I’ll smile upon you too. . . .  “

            I positively adore springtime. I was seriously born in the wrong decade. I should’ve been born with the rest of the hippies dancing in a field of flowers making jewelry with beads the many different shades of a sunset. There’s just something about petals from the newborn tree leaves covering the streets and having your window open filling the home with natural cool air that just does something to a flower child. It’s a beautiful time; it’s the closest thing we have to heaven on earth in my opinion. Something I could really use right now.

            I had one of those rare moments when you feel the moment you’re in. It’s kind of like waking up from a dream you were having. Everything that you thought has happened before seems like a fast paced image that has only flashed before your eyes before moving to the next one and etc. Well, I actually woke up from the dream and found myself on the floor in my living room staring at the bookcase. . . . . . She’s gone. . . . . . . . and tonight is the night that I pay homage to our friendship a.k.a “The Three B’s.”

            When I started working at Dillards about two years ago I had met two ladies who would end up becoming a big part of my life. I’ve talked about them before, Taylor and Renee. The three of us did some growing up together. Kind of like a coming of age story that had a never ending line. Taylor and Renee were already old friends who had spent most of their time together and they intimidated me with their big personalities. I can remember the first time I had hung out with them.

We were all closing at Dillards, a tedious and boring shift and we were discussing our plans on what we were doing afterwards. Renee was the first to approach me and asked if I’d like to go out for after work drinks. I jumped at the invitation considering that I had drifted from my other friends from my previous job and was feeling a tad lonely. Along with another coworker from the accessories department we went for M&R: margaritas and relaxation. Too bad for us, there was another addition to our evening. A gentleman who worked for the railroad that was hot for Taylor. He kept dropping hints that he wanted to get with her or should I say, get in her pants more or less. I wasn’t amused by our surprised guest at all; arrogant, rude and obnoxious, three traits in a man that I refuse to associate myself with. Thankfully, I had found some familiar faces to socially drift back and forth to in between Long Island Ice Teas. I don’t know if it was the timing or if the stars were aligned but that was the first of many nights that we would spend together. From then on, we started spending a lot more time together. Whether it was fighting off old bosses and their emotional breakdowns, midnight walking, losing our wallets, dance club adventures or just enduring “The Horse” day to day, our bond as friends became closer.

I could I go on and on about our ups and downs and our misadventures during our friendship but in order to do that I’d have to spend an entire series doing so. The important part is that we cared and looked out for one another. We had created a bond that was recognized by our co-workers and the secrets were kept by each other.

So it came as a surprise when Taylor announced to us that she was moving to North Carolina to live with her boyfriend. Renee didn’t exactly approve of the whole idea because of her dislike for her boyfriend, but understood that Taylor was an adult and supported her nonetheless. I, while supportive, didn’t like the idea of her leaving. This was one of my closest gal pals we were talking about! A woman who turned me on to all things dark, gruesome, white trashy and even got me over of my aversion to wearing black and grey as signature colors; truly a woman who, despite her dislike of anything “girly”, was chock full of all kinds of pearls of wisdom.

We never had an official goodbye because I had been out of town and by the time I had come back (with a cold) she was already leaving the next day. After that, it was just me and Renee. After Taylor’s departure we continued to see each other whenever we could. Even getting together once a week at the local brewery for green chile beer and debating why we always went there instead of going dancing like we should have.

Weeks passed and life as I knew it had returned to normal. It almost felt like The Three B’s had served the purpose it was created for. Maybe we all needed each other for something and got friendship as an added bonus. I couldn’t speak for my girls, but here I was a timid, quiet individual whose only goal in life was to be as invisible as possible and somehow I wound up involved with two women with big personalities and the wardrobes to match. They gave me the tools to come into the person I am now: outspoken, confident and wanting nothing more than for everyone to know who I am.

Renee and I were at dinner one evening just rehashing the year of our friendship in the same place where it began and we were just amazed that we made it out with a ton of stories and most of our liver cells.

“How’d you wind up with us?” she asked.

Just lucky I guess <3

           

           

           

            

Tick Tock

It’s been said that “time waits for no man” and in the words of my idol, Joss Stone, when faced with the same statement in her song “4 and 20” had this to say: “And neither does this woman”. Just some words I recently decided to live by. Yes, it looked like it was time for me to do the unthinkable: date. I was never one to wait for a man and that now included Father Time.  

            As a war veteran on the battlefield of love, I had seen it all: great boyfriends, not so great ones, creepy admirers, potential bachelors and the ones that got away, but I guess none of those really seemed to stick. I was beginning to feel like Teflon for men. I might have had a hand in it too, but for the most part there was just no zsa zsa zoo. When you live in an area where it’s heavy with either naïve teens fresh from the rainbow or the dreaded “down low” guys, sometimes you are lost somewhere in the middle. I was at a point in my life where I believed I was still young enough to be a viable commodity, but old enough to know that I can’t be out all night like I used to and still wake up like I had a full eight hours worth of sleep. What I needed was an adult relationship.

Where were the men like me? Was there a weekly group where they all met to empathize with each other that I wasn’t privy to? Or were they doing the same thing I was? Working day after a day with little to no energy afterwards to even work up the confidence it takes to approach another man? And even then, what does one say when he finds someone else that he’s attracted to? “Hey, what hair product do you use?” I can barely make small talk with some of my closest friends much less a complete stranger. In the past year the closest example I’ve come to meeting new men was when a guy I had waited on left his number on a napkin with the line “call me maybe?” written on the bottom. I recall not being able to make eye contact with him because of his leading man good looks and there might have been a moment when I blushed just by doing so, but 1. I didn’t even think he was gay and 2. I was a tired, shiny, poofy-haired mess when I waited on him that night. How was I supposed to know that was his type? What did I do with his number you ask? Well, thinking it was some joke I folded it up, put it in my pocket and never called him. Simple as that.

I might have overreacted on that one. He was a really nice guy, good looking and even drove a beat up old car which that didn’t start which made me think he wasn’t too full of himself. He could’ve been perfect. I think that old saying “Satan in a Sunday hat” got the best of me, that and a case of low self esteem.

But that was then and this was now, dammit! I have a lot more confidence than I did back then and even though I’m a little clumsy with it, it’s there; I just wish I knew how to use it. Yes, it would seem that the plan I had made for myself would bring forth great things.

I was sitting in my counselor’s waiting room (court mandated. Long story.) when I came across an article that explained that SINGLE men were at a higher risk for a heart attack or stroke than men in relationships. That didn’t shake me; I knew I was golden (and healthy enough). But then I read another article that explained that OPTIMIST were more likely to have health problems later down the road than that of any other people. That’s when I started to get nervous. Not only was I single but I also considered myself an optimist who believed in things like love. How else was I supposed to take that information? I was faced with the dilemma: was I going to die of a defected heart?  

 Was being a romantic and an optimist actually hurting me than helping me? Was it going be all that I left behind in this life? Had everything that I stood up for meant nothing but dust in the wind? I needed professional help. What I needed was a tarot card reading.

It was a Wednesday night at the Lady of Hutton’s household a.k.a. my friend’s Erin and Stacey’s house when the head of the household, Ms. Patty a.k.a. their mother wanted to read tarot cards. I had known Ms. Patty and her daughters for some time now and they had to be the most welcoming and warmest group of people I had ever met. Ms. Patty asked me to put my essence on the cards so I shuffled them and even waved them around my aura just for good measure. The first card would represent my recent past, the second would represent my current present and the third would foretell my upcoming future. Call me superstitious, but I had my fingers crossed in hopes that the fates would be kind. I ended up drawing The Sun, Courage and Strength, (hey, not too shabby for my first tarot card reading, huh?). Ms. Patty went on to tell me that my recent past had been a rough one but that there was a lot of positive energy coming my way that would flow into my current present and carry on into my future. She also mentioned that my charms would come in handy in the romance department. I could only hope that those charms would come with an instruction manual, too.

So maybe I had it all wrong. When we let silly things like health articles or save the date cards dictate how we should spend our lives we can get a little off balance. I had scared myself into believing that just because I wasn’t in a relationship that something was wrong with me, and more importantly, my heart. No matter how loud I think my biological clock is ticking I decided that it was time to take my heart off the shelf and put it back in its rightful place, on my sleeve. Maybe in times of crisis when we think that all hope is lost, the best thing to do is come back to the middle. After all, you only live once, right?

Great Things

            It was Sunday night just like any other with the girls: happy hour beers and cosmopolitans. It’s was a rarity that Joy, Michael, Maritza and I could get together for some much needed friend time. We had gathered tonight to play catch-up and discuss the possibilities of the future. They say that life is what happens when you’re waiting for a table, but sometimes life is what happens while you’re sitting at it.

            Joy and I slid into one side of the booth while Maritza and Michael sat opposite of us. Joy had her blonde hair up in her usual ponytail out of her face. She was the type of woman who thought like a man but kept her class like a lady, which matched perfectly with her mouth like a sailor. Michael had only enough time to take three shots of vodka at the house after he got off from work before we had to meet Maritza so he was still wearing his work clothes which consisted of a Steelers shirt and jeans. My roommate and slightly buzzed at this point, he had made it his mission to be completely wasted before we left that night. Maritza had her brown hair slightly curled while she sported a white blouse with a black jacket to go over it, jeans and a pair of heels. She was a woman of many hats. She was a wife, mother, manager and friend. She was a woman with no filter and who always had us laughing.

            We had known each other for years and even worked together at one point in time. There have been breakups, smiles, parties and goodbyes that we had seen each other go through. I guess this is what having old friends felt like. You grow up watching your parents talk about their old friends and hearing them say, “Remember that one time. . . “and just listening to some madcap adventure they had and the memories they made, but do we ever really think at the time that’d we be doing the same thing someday?

            And yet, here we were doing just that. It was a particularly special time in our lives, Joy had reached her limits with her job as a General Manager in Texas and decided to quit. The hours she had put in seemed endless. She was always tired on her days off when she’d visit us and spent that time to catch up on her sleep when her phone wasn’t ringing off the hook with her employees sounding frantic on the other end. It made me sad to see her stressed out so much. She was too young and too talented to be in that position. So with her newfound freedom she needed a place to crash while she tried to get out of her lease and figure out what her next step would be and what better place to crash than the couch she often slept on when she visited. She was contemplating moving back home to look into a job that was offered to her the last time she had visited, great pay, great hours, traveling and weekends off. Too bad Maritza didn’t see it as a great opportunity like the rest of us did. I didn’t want her to move either but if it meant that she could be happy doing something she loves then I was more than happy to see her off.

            Another piece of good news was the engagement between two of our closest friends. Ashley and Eric had been dating for the last two years and seemed utterly and endlessly in love with each other. He popped the question by naming a star after her just like he did on one of their first anniversary, but this time he had put his last name with hers. And by November of this year she would be forever known as Mrs. Eric Deleon. I could remember a trip to the bookstore that Joy, Ashley and I took to look at anything wedding related. A clerk directed us to a section that I didn’t know existed. Somewhere wedged with “Gay and Lesbian”, “Sex” and yes, even “Divorce” was the answer to all our questions: “Weddings”.

            While I browsed the gay and lesbian section finding a book of short stories from new voices in gay literature, Joy and Ashley flipped through a book on different sexual positions giggling like a couple of schoolgirls in the process. We needed to focus so we all took a book on how to plan a wedding. My head began to spin after only flipping through a couple sections about marriage licenses and deciding the kind of music you wanted to “set the tone of your wedding” no music pun intended. Ashley seemed to find one that suited her interest and gave step by step instructions. Everything you ever wanted to know from the engagement party to making the guest list. It was official, Ashley was getting married.

I took in the moment we were in drifting peacefully through the farthest corners of my mind as I always did when I tried predicting the future when Maritza must’ve caught the melancholic look on my face. She tried arguing with me that I was a townie and that I should just accept it already. I shuddered at the thought of my body being put to rest in the Dirty Curry so she ordered us a round of tequila. As we joined her in raising our glasses we looked at one another about what we should toast to. It had to be something memorable and epic in its simplicity. Leave it to Maritza to say it perfectly: “To great things for the future.” I didn’t know it at the time but I was smiling on the inside as well as the outside. There was something in the way that she said it that had me believing that there would be nothing short but great things in our futures. 

Perfect Distraction.

You've got me so wrapped around your finger I could watch my own back.
You've had me there a while and as a matter of fact, things aren't always what they seem.
You'd be the first to decieve.
You were just another face, another grain of sand.
But then you had me eating out of the palm of your hand.
Talking about it now almost makes me feel bad.
But I can't help thinking about your face.
You're probably tongue tied, nervous and dripping with sweat.
Looking a little surprised 'cause you'd thought I'd forget.
But oh, my dear, it all became so clear and i lay the truth down right here.
Silent with your words and loud with your actions.
To get this ball rolling I didn't have much traction.
I don't know what I did to bring on this fatal disease.
I was just your perfect distraction.
I still don't forget all the time I spent replaying the sound of your raspy voice inside my head.
But I wasn't an option just emotional satisfaction.
Just a grain of sand.
The perfect distraction.

T. B. C. T. E.

It burns like the lighters flame.
This back and forth game.
It's doing a number inside my head.
I can't help but trace the lines of your name with my fingertips lightly across the page.
You look like someone I used to know long ago but he used to smile back.
That was yesterday and he's just a memory.
A ghost I'd like to ressurect.
Everything's set in stone and I'm cemented in it.
I want to slip through the cracks and never come back.
I hear you screaming but there's no sound.
Only the laughter that the children found.
You put one hand on my cheek and the other on my shoulder.
You said I'd understand, "When you get older."
I pop the top from the bottle again.
The truth inside seems to be my only friend.
I drift to a place that only I know and I'll find you there and you won't let go.

The King.

A cool spring night and a lover's heart bursting delicately at the seams.
You held my hand and I fell apart.
Still too young to know what it means.
We spoke while we were color blind.
There was only black and grey.
I waited for signs of dawn.
The monster you peg me as is neither here or gone.
The honeysuckle grows wildly along the concrete wall.
I wanted love so desperately I would've sacrificed it all.
I gave my heart to the ruler of this nocturnal realm.
The king of music and delight.
All he asked in return was my kiss concealed by the night.
I turned him down selfishly for my soul thrives lovliest in light.
I am reborn, anew again, but a small part of me I left with him.

Let The Gates Open!

A million apologies for falling off the face of the earth. I finally bought a phone that can support my desires as a mobile blogger while I find myself temporarily without an automobile. At least I've been able to buckle down and get toooons of writing done! :) Build an ark because I'm sending a flood of posts of the luxurious kind ;)

Xoxo, B.

The Freshman Class.

Hello to all the baby dolls and cool cats out there tonight. It’s been a quick minute since I’ve posted anything and I apologize. I guess the start of the new year really took a real toll on my entire being, especially this month. I’m barely recovering now as I explained to a friend in a letter that I wrote to him. I spent the last three days around friends and family which depleted most if not all of my energy, just one of the perks of being an introvert. I’m currently in bed now where I spent majority of the late afternoon and most of the night catching up on sleep and reading. Tonight I got to thinking about the letter I wrote to my friend who is currently in Afghanistan. I was just catching him up on my life since my last letter which consisted of spending all my free time on my writing (which, by the way, is a lot of things I’m quite proud of. Of course, my opinion could be a little biased: Three poems, a new “G St.” and an original blog, but more on those later.) I was telling him that I can’t focus on my work unless I can feel it, which explains why it has taken me so long to post. Words are not just letters that come in black and white to me. They are colorful emotions to which I paint my pictures with and in some cases I get these images (or sometimes colors) in my head. Even a singing voice can put images in my head. (I see melted chocolate when I hear Christina Aguilera’s voice, smooth. Maybe with some crushed almonds for that growl she has lol.) I think I saw a thing like this on 20/20. Example:

-“Teeth clenched”: two jagged rocks rubbing together.
-“Lips pulled in a tight line”: a flat horizon with the sun coming up.
 -“Somber”: A word meaning “grave” or “serious” but I see green grass with morning dew on it.
-“Love”: a soft luminous pink.

 So you can see why it’s difficult for my brain to sit still and write something when it’s too busy being stimulated by its own definition of words. But somehow, by the grace of the art gods, I have completed a few works of writing. I thought about giving a quick description about what they’re about (the poems at least, but I think those should speak for themselves or at least be interpreted by your own definition. That’s what art is about.) Instead, here’s what I got on deck:

-“Body Talk”
-“Perfect Distraction”
-“Taylor”
-“G St. Chapter Five: One Wish”

 As for the original blog post I’m working on, I haven’t quite found that perfect hook I’m looking for. No colors, no images, not feeling yet. Not exactly something I’d be proud to post. I’ll keep rolling around with it until it feels right or I just might end of deleting it.

 I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and the direction I’d like for it to go. I’ve been reading “Fresh Men 2”, a collection of short stories from new voices in gay literature and I think that’s what inspired me to finish four works of writing. I’ve been researching writing contests and things of that sort for LGBT writers. I think it’s time I dip my toe in those waters and see what could become of it. I’d really like to be a voice in the gay community whether it is a literary or musical one.

 Well, it’s time for this freshman to get some rest with the hopes that I’ll wake up refreshed. As always, all my love and eternal gratitude to those who have read and continue to read all the ups and downs of this luxurious life And remember, we are all beautiful colors that make up this rainbow <3

xoxo,
B.