Be Mine.

Love. . .

          The four letter word that most dream about while others fear. What is it about this word that somehow has us wrapped around its non-existent finger? Some spend a lifetime looking for it, some spend a lifetime trying to recovering from it and then there are the ones who spend a lifetime sharing it with someone else. As for me, I have spent only a mere three years trying to discover what it really is. As a self proclaimed “fly trap for dysfunctional men” I haven’t exactly had the best luck finding someone to call my own since I was sixteen. But that didn’t mean I was gallivanting around my hometown throwing my heart around for just anyone to catch. No, I played it smart even when my heart overpowered my head. I seemed to have a safety net to catch myself before smashing my head face first into the concrete of making a big mistake. I was part of an endangered species who, no matter how many times we were rejected we still believed in love and all its beauty. I was quite proud of myself actually. In all my four long, tiresome years of dating I could count how many relationships I had one hand. Let’s see, there was:

1.     “G”. My first relationship. With only two year age gap between us, he was a kind man with eyes that made my knees weak and who looked like he belonged in an American Eagle catalog. We lasted about four months.

2. M. Crockett a.k.a “MLC”. Our complicated-sometimes long distant-relationship was on and off for about two years before I called it quits. I felt bad because every time our lines of communication would open up again he seemed to think that we belonged together. Which in the end; would cause problems between us thus ending our lines of communication.

3. M. Lopez a.k.a. “Angel”. My first “abusive” relationship; he was as vain as they come from the three different products he used in his hair to his immaculate colonial apartment to which I would dread going over to. It took about two months of his emotional, verbal and mental abuse before I called it quits. After that, I took a year and a half off from the dating scene to recover.

4. V. Romano., music major at ENMU and the first guy I fell for after my little break. He was patient, a complete gentleman and in love with music as much as I was. But after a few weeks of dating and a whole week of “being official” he let me down easy.

5.  A. Valdez a.k.a. “X” the one whose heart I broke more than once. After much analyzing and discussion with my friends we came to the conclusion that he was simply a rebound. I didn’t mean to treat him that way, I genuinely cared for him. We just didn’t work out the way everyone wanted us to. We have since then ended our lines of communication. Not exactly something that we saw coming, but it was an unspoken, mutual decision.

        All these men have nothing in common except one thing, me. I learned something after having a conversation with one of my greatest friends ever, Joy Larrabee. She didn’t understand why I fell for these guys. According to her I was “too sweet of a guy” for all of them, which made me feel pretty good about myself (considering #4 is her best friend to which she defended my honor when he wanted to break up with me). The funny thing is, everyone I know was always happy for me when I was in a relationship, but when things didn’t work out they all told me the same thing: “You two just didn’t LOOK like a couple” like we didn’t give off the couple vibe. Did I take so much time in between each relationship that people somehow grew accustomed to me being single? If Carrie was missing the bride gene, was I missing the boyfriend gene? Was I missing that tiny piece of genetic code that made it easy for me to mix with someone else’s body chemistry and make it look like we actually belonged together?

     During those four long, tiresome years filled with break ups and kiss offs I was looking for something. I was looking for that unconditional love and I realized that it’s not possible. It’s always a little bit conditional when it comes to people. Just the tiniest bit, but it’s true. I wasn’t becoming cynical any time soon. I was going to let love happen in its own time and having someone to call my own was worth waiting for and worth more than all the roses on Valentine’s Day. 

Xoxo.

B.

I Am Free.

I’ve been staring at this computer screen for weeks in hopes that sentences of any kind would flow from my brain to my fingertips and somehow make them move, but the closest I’ve come to it is writing a title. I look at it and I can honestly say that I am truly free. Free from these emotional chains that had been holding me back from moving forward and allowing myself to be who I am.

          Our story begins somewhere after posting my last blog “Unthinkable”. I was really happy to show everybody that not everything was perfect in my so called “perfect” life. I have problems just like everyone else and I like writing something that people can take and relate to their own lives. There was just one thing that seemed to be bothering me about the whole piece; I had disguised the person I had hurt with a not so clever codename. When I first started blogging when I was in my mid-teens I always wrote what I wanted. There was this freedom in words that I found comforting and it made me feel like I had control over something in a world where I felt held down and powerless. I always wrote about life and coming across people that only contributed in my growth process. The one thing I never did was hide who I was writing about. Meaning, I may have tweaked their name, but it was always gender specific. Whether it was a woman who inspired me in some way or a man who taught me a lesson about life, I didn’t write fiction. It was this letter, “X” that was so gender neutral that irked me so much that I had to take a step back and re-evaluate just the writer I was choosing to be. I had noticed this fear inside me. What was I really afraid of?  Was this the path I was choosing to pursue? A path of constant fear of a ripple effect my writing could cause if read by certain people in my life? Truth was, yes, I was afraid. There are certain people in my life that don’t agree with how I’m choosing to spend MY life right now. I took a break from trying to force an entry and wanted to get back to that teenager who felt free from restrictions when it came to his writing.

          In my creative hibernation I had a vision: A teenage boy, seventeen to be exact, sitting in a blue recliner tears rolling down his face because his father was calling him an abomination. I watched him as he held his little sister’s hand with his mother sitting next to her in silence. “Why is she letting this happen? Why is she just sitting there?” He kept asking himself. I could see so much on his face; he was exhausted physically, stressed out emotionally and knew that no matter what he said or did he was not going to win this battle. I could feel the blood boiling in his veins and how worthless he truly felt. I watched as the cracks in his soul became bigger and bigger till he was nothing but a pile of broken glass. The worst part of this whole vision was that it wasn’t a vision, but a memory. That boy being yelled at and being completely torn apart was me.

          When I was seventeen I got into some trouble which turned my world upside down. This happened in February of 2008 and I felt that was the year I had hit rock bottom. I felt stripped of my confidence, self respect, inner peace and the light that once brightened my world was taken away. Why you ask? Why did I have to endure such a fate? On February 1st, 2008 it was discovered that I was gay.

          I had already made the decision to make it official on my sixteenth birthday. I was gay and I had such a great support system before, during and after my coming out process. But the two people who could ever make me feel bad about it were my “loving” parents. After finding out that their only son was a homosexual it set off a chain of unfortunate events. My day that followed consisted of my dad dragging me all over town looking for my boyfriend at the time so he could beat him up, being yelled at on and off, being interrogated by my mom, being read scripture after scripture till my dad was blue in the face, and of course, watching my own mother cry tears of confusion and rage. Yep, it was quite the busy first day and it didn’t get any better after that. I think that was when our “picture picture” family exterior started to dissolve and real life started to sink in. It’s been years since that dark time of my life. I have pieced myself back together bit by bit and for the first time ever I feel whole. I sit here now smiling at myself. If my overall being hadn’t been shattered I wouldn’t have found the strength within myself to stop wallowing in my darkness and take back what was rightfully mine; MY life.

          I am completely overwhelmed at this point in my life from all the love and support I have received over the years. Without it I’d probably still be huddled in a corner giving up. So I’m making a change, I’m putting an end to my fears. I have come too damn far to go back in time now. I, Benjamin Tomas, am finally free; words that I can now say and believe.

Xoxo.

B.

Dedicated to that seventeen-year-old boy: The dark days are over. You may finally rest your weary soul and wake up knowing that it does in fact, get better from here. 

Unthinkable.

New Year’s Eve over time has been built up to be this glamorous evening filled with love, friendship and forgetting one’s mistakes from the year. But what happens when your mistakes are carried over to the New Year?

          My history with this certain person began as we were entering fall last year. It started out innocently enough, a “Hi” here and a “How are you?” there. But it wasn’t until Halloween that our innocent relationship was taken to a whole new level. Me and “X” (as in, I’ll explain our complicated situation) were completed inebriated, or at least I was, when we tugged at each other’s heart strings that night. It was clear before then that there were feelings for each other, but I didn’t know if I was ready to jump into something new just yet. I barely knew anything about X except that we worked together and yet, I still jumped without knowing what was waiting for me when I got to the bottom. We shared kisses and eventually spent the night together and JUST slept. We woke up the next morning confused, hung over, but most of all curious. What did this mean for us? Was it just a slumber party with something warm to cuddle? I said that I’d feel more comfortable “letting nature run the show” which is what I always said when I was unsure about it myself and didn’t feel like discussing it anymore. Michael and Ashlee who had stayed over also walked in and saw us together and didn’t say anything (just yet) but when X left for work they didn’t hold back asking the same questions I was asking myself earlier that morning. I just hope that whatever was to become of the two of us it would work itself out without anyone getting hurt. Oh, how I wish on all the stars in the sky that it could’ve gone that way.

          It seems that nature took us down that path of “relationship”, but it was alcohol yet again that was the thought process behind it. X had been pushing the issue of “why won’t you give me a chance?” over and over constantly through the night and as hard as I tried to stick to my guns one word uttered from my lips, “Yes”. And just like that, I was in a relationship. I couldn’t wait to share the news with Megan, Michael and Ashlee later that afternoon when we all got together for lunch, but I couldn’t help but wonder: Was this what I truly wanted? Was this how people really got together? Did it really take persistence and alcohol to get the ball rolling? This isn’t what I was used to. I was used to going through my day sending endless texts to each other then meeting up later for a few hours of hanging out then finally, staying up all night till one of us had to go to bed. I was the kind of guy who dated and was happy getting to know someone slowly and letting it evolve into something deeper. Maybe I got caught up in the shimmer and shine of my new relationship. I had just gotten over a previous relationship that left me heartbroken and I guess it was nice just to be wanted and needed again. We saw each other whenever we could, but our schedules clashed most of the time so we only saw each other about a once or twice a week. This is what a grown up relationship was, right?

          A few weeks into our couple status and I began analyzing us. Megan had even asked me during a movie night at her house, “How are you guys doing?” I told her, “Its real grown up. We don’t have to see each other every day or keep in touch between then, but so far it’s good.” What I didn’t know was that everything I had just said was everything I hated about us. It was time to snap out of this fantasy I was in filled with drunken weekends and feelings that I wasn’t truly feeling. I wasn’t feeling butterflies in my stomach, these were pangs of guilt because deep down I knew this wasn’t what I had wanted all along. The only question was: How was I going to tell X without breaking a heart in the process? I won’t go into detail about the talk we had or the awkwardness that followed. Just know that we somehow moved past it and eventually became friends again.

          So here we were on New Year’s Eve. The ball had already dropped and it was 2AM by the time I met up with my friends at a hotel room for an after party. It was a lot of fun just being with the people who meant so much to me listening to music and having a good time. Even though I had made a promise to not drink I fell into peer pressure and had a couple drinks. However, I forgot that I hadn’t eaten since earlier that day so it hit me pretty fast. It was 4 or 5 when Michael and Ashlee wanted breakfast so they left and it was just me and X there alone. One minute we were talking and the next we were kissing. I knew in my heart that it was wrong, but when you get two people plus alcohol and emotions, a lethal combination is made and someone is going to get hurt. Somewhere in my altered state of mind I realized that what we were doing was wrong so I stopped us and began to cry. X grabbed my hand trying to comfort me, but there was nothing anyone could do. I looked at X and said, “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I’m doing this to you again.” We just looked at each other in silence as tears continued to fall down my face. I was having an epiphany. It was something that I had realized during the months of ups and downs with X and it was something that I had to get out. So in my emotional state of mind I looked up and said, “You are the one I WANT to want.” I wanted nothing more than to be happy and content in the arms of this amazing person, but no matter how hard I tried it just wasn’t clicking. The song “Unthinkable” by Alicia Keys was playing in the background as we sat in silence on the bed hand in hand. There was nothing more I could say that would change the atmosphere of the situation. This was truly a moment of honesty and I knew that this was it, third strike and I was out. I not only broke a heart for the third time, but I began looking at myself. I hate that I had hurt someone so many times and I was the one crying while X just kept looking down. What was wrong with me? Why did I keep doing this? At that moment Michael and Ashlee walked in and I quickly wiped the tears out of my eyes, sat up straight and smiled, but they weren’t dumb. They knew something had happened but before they could ask I told them I was heading home. I cried all the way home and fell asleep on my bed with my shoes and jacket on. I hoped and prayed that it would all go away by the time I had to wake up for work, but it didn’t.

          I went in later that night into my job where my friend Joy Larrabee asked me how I was doing. I told her that I hated the fact that I had the ability to hurt someone so much. She simply fixed my collar of my jacket and said, “It’s not like you went directly out of your way to hurt X. You were having fun. I’m glad you realize what you were doing and stopped though.” Her words gave me a sense of comfort in my guilty state of mind. It was then that I made the conscious to stop drinking. Looking back at our history there was one thing tying it all together: Alcohol; every time we had a fight or saw each other it was during a party. If that was what was causing all my problems in my love life it was time I made a change. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else like I had hurt X. Whoever fate was going to send my way next was going to see that I’m more than just a party boy. I owed it to the both of us. As for our future, I just hoped X could forgive me and maybe somewhere down the road we would both find what we were looking for.

Xoxo.

B.

Love Notes and Dedications.

I remember it was almost a year ago when I was staring at this same computer screen putting life on pause to take a look back at the year that I had. Well, here we are again another year later. . .

          Before the clock struck midnight, me and my amazing friend Lauren Whitmore sat at work naming our favorite moments of the year. All the memories just came flooding back at once and it gave me a sense of appreciation for the year. My favorite had to be when Lauren tried to start a revolution by trying to get everyone to quit on Easter all in all, a very successful year.

Every year I like to write a letter, or in this case a blog, to the previous year as a way to say goodbye to it and pay homage to all the beautiful things it has brought me. It brought me so many new faces and kept some old ones, it brought me new responsibilities and even a new outlook on life. I’m still trying to figure out what I did to deserve such amazing gifts. It’s really hard to pick and choose certain moments of this year as my favorite, but I definitely have a lot to choose from. So in keeping with my small tradition I want to take the time to say “Thank You” to a few people who have helped me through the tough times and celebrated with me during the happy ones.

          As always, to my amazing sister and brother-in-law; I love having two people like you in my corner to guide me when I need it. Even when I don’t agree with your thought process sometimes, eventually my head catches up with my heart and I see the logic behind your advice. You two will forever be my idols when it comes to what a happy and healthy relationship is. Finally, thank you for bringing your amazing son into this world. It is such an honor to be in his life. Little sister, you are truly on your way. I can’t wait for you to cut loose from all your restraints and take this world by storm. No matter what, keep that head up and everyday know that without your love and support I’d be an empty shell.

          To all my friends; it would take an entire blog entry to individually thank all of you. So I hope this will be enough for now. This year really taught me just who will stand by your side through thick and thin and who’ll always be there at the end of the day. I’ve had the privilege of meeting a bunch of amazing people that I’m proud to call “friend” and the honor of keeping some old friends with me. We all found each other at different point and times in 2010, but I don’t regret any of it. And while some of you have left to pursue different things, you will always be in my heart along with the many ways I have been touched by your presence. Old or new, words aren’t enough to express how much all of your friendships mean to me. Let’s do this forever!

          And finally, to the year that was 2010: I wake up every morning never knowing what to expect and while that scares me sometimes it’s also very exciting. I didn’t realize it until New Year’s Eve that I really came into my own. It has taken me many years to get to a point where I can feel comfortable with who I am as a person and this year was truly my year. I freed myself from the negative place that I was in and released the light I had inside that I always knew I had all these years. I became an adult and for the first ever I took control over my life and I have this year to thank for that. If it wasn’t for certain situations and certain times that I had endured the year I wouldn’t know how to stand up for myself.

          As we crossed the days off our calendars and watched as the pages fell to the floor I think we would agree that this year had to be one of the best we’ve ever had. I know I do.

Xoxo.

B.

Dedicated to my sisters, friends, Father Time, Mother Earth, 2010, all the daydreamer’s with their heads in the clouds, all the broken hearts, the universe, all the laughter, smiles, memories and as always, the energy of love.