SEE YOU IN FEBRUARY.

Hey Reader's!

I'm going to be taking some time off from posting to go on a journey within my life to find some inspiration. I'll be offline the rest of the month and some in February. Hopefully, I can come back with some new, fresh posts that will surely entertain and delight you ^_^ In the meantime, feel free to go back through some old posts!

And just in case I don't get to say it: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! <3

Xoxo.
B.

G St: Chapter Two "Night at The Bluestone"

Later that night Leo, Patrick, Lila and I all gathered at The Bluestone for post birthday drinks. The Bluestone was a local gay bar that catered to those looking to unwind in a less base filled atmosphere. Picture “Cheers” except no one shouts your name when you walk in. We had discovered The Bluestone one night while walking in downtown Eastway. We had somehow taken a wrong turn from this hole in the wall restaurant and ended up at the doorstep of a bar with steps that led down to a door with a neon sign that read: “The Bluestone Lounge” Being the naturally curious group we were we entered in slowly and discovered a room full of men and women sipping cocktails in soft lighting. “Well, this doesn’t look so bad.” Leo said as he took a look around. And just like that, we had found our new favorite bar. “I like this way better than that sports bar we were going to,” chimed in Patrick. “Yeah, why were we going there in the first place?” Lila asked as she flagged down the waitress. “Well,” I said, “They didn’t card me and dollar beer drafts on Thursdays.” The three of them nodded in unison and we proceeded to toast to the new bar we had discovered. Oh, how little things have changed.

            We walked in and Alex was behind the bar and seemed overjoyed that we had showed up. Alex Franco was the regular bartender who we had got to know as we started becoming regulars ourselves there. We piled into the nearest booth and he came out from behind the bar walking towards us looking like his head was about to explode. “Oh, my gosh! I’m so glad to see you guys! Finally, people who I don’t want to strangle.”

            “Oh, Alex, you are such a charmer.” Leo teased.

“You’d understand if you knew who I had to serve at the bar.” Alex’s eyes getting huge and irritated.

            “Whoa, killer, calm down, who’s at the bar?” Patrick asked. We all leaned out of the booth a bit to peek at the bar. There sitting at a bar stool with a couple friends was a tall, dark, handsome man with a few friends laughing. He had a devilish smile that showed sparkling white teeth. His eyes were smoldering and alluring. He had “bad boy” written all over him and he made sure that the rest of the bar knew it.

            “Who is that?” Lila asked just as intrigued as the rest of us were. Alex took a deep breath and let out a sigh, “That is Damian Tamez. We went to school together. A total rebel-without-a-cause type; his family owns an art gallery uptown, which, he currently works at. I guess you could say we’re both in the family businesses.” He turned to in the direction of the bar and stared at something on the shelf. I turned in the same direction and saw it was a picture of a man and woman standing in front of The Bluestone Lounge. “Are those your parent’s?” I asked.

            Alex got quiet for a moment before changing the subject, “So what’ll it be tonight, guys? Let me guess, run and coke for Patrick, margarita for Lila, white wine for Leo and,” he turned to me, “Water for you? Oh, wait; somebody had a birthday party last night, didn’t they?”

            “Yes,” I smiled, “And I’m hurt and offended that you didn’t come by!”

            “Hey, hey, hey, a bar doesn’t watch itself. Somebody’s got to pour drinks for all these lovely people.” He said in defense. “No excuse,” I told him, “Eastway can go sober for one night. Besides, you spend so much time here that I almost forget what you look like sometimes.” I joked. He laughed and said, “So what’ll it be Mr. Twenty-One? What will be your first legal drink here at The Bluestone Lounge?” I paused to think about this, everyone leaning in a bit waiting for my answer, and then it hit me. “I’ll have a Long Island Ice Tea, please.”

            “Good choice.” Praised Leo; “Long Islands are the new Appletini’s.” He nodded proudly and I didn’t even question if that made sense or not. “Alright, Long Island it is. I’ll be right back with those drinks for you guys.” Alex walked away and I sifted through the bowl of peanuts looking for the cashews.

            We stayed late before our little group began breaking up and headed home. I was the last one to leave. The bar was quiet with only the sounds from the conversation of a few bar stragglers sipping slowly on their last drink of the evening. There was something about The Bluestone that felt comfortable late at night. The city was asleep with the exception of the nocturnal beings that came out. I was born one of those creatures, I can remember lying on the roof of my house back home looking for Orion’s Belt. I used to think I’d be granted three wishes if I tried really hard. I moved to a window seat and looked up at the night sky. Living in the city, you can’t see the stars, but the light of the moon always seems to shine brighter than all the streetlights. In the winter, there would be a ring around the moon. It looked like a halo but I like to look at it like an eye. I thought maybe that somewhere up there in the night sky there was someone looking down on me making sure I stayed out of trouble.

            I looked towards the bar and saw Alex cleaning up. His body moved with exhaustion and rubbed his eyes before running his hands over his head. I heard him let out a big sigh before getting back to work. Those few seconds were probably the only break he’s had all day. I walked over to him as he was putting the stools on the bar. “Need a hand?” I asked.

            “That’d be great actually.” He said. I started on one side of the bar while he started on the other and we met in the middle. “Well, let’s lock her up!” Alex said walking me out and locking the door behind him.

“I’ll walk you home.”

“You don’t have to do that.” I said.

“One is the loneliest number, you know. These streets can be awfully scary for a guy by himself.”

I laughed, “When have you ever known me to be scared of a walk home?”

“Oh, just every time a guy has offered to walk you home. Your face turns a pale white before you compose yourself and tell them no.” I pondered this. Sure, I don’t have the best social skills when it came to men, but I didn’t know I made it quite so obvious. We continued walking up the street when I finally opened my big mouth. “You’re one to talk, Lex, when was the last time any of us have seen you out with a special someone?” I asked hoping I disguised my cattiness well enough.

“There is someone or was.” He said softly. This came as a shock to me. For all I knew, Alex ate, slept and breathed The Bluestone. “We met through some friends and hit it off right away. We went on a couple of dates and everything seemed to be going good until he started to become jealous. I can’t deal with that kind of stuff so we just ended it. We dated for about four months or so.”

I felt like a total jerk. Here I am opening up old wounds. I should really learn how to keep my mouth shut sometimes. “Not to pry, but why didn’t you tell us?” I asked, so much for keeping my mouth shut. “I’m not really a touchy-feely kind of guy. People get together and people break up. It’s all part of the circle of life.” He said. “How ‘Lion King’ of you.” I joked.

“Hey, before I forget, I have something for you.” Alex said reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a tiny black box with a red ribbon tied around it. I looked at it with curiosity because Alex was never known to give gifts.

“So are you going to have a staring contest with it or are you going to open it?” he asked. I untied the ribbon delicately and opened it up slowly as if something was going to jump out at me. Inside was a silver pin in the shape of a four leaf clover. “Alex, thank you! It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!”

“Well, I know you like to wear little accessories so I thought I’d get you something you could wear with anything. I saw it in a store window, it just looked like you.” He said. “I applaud your fashion instincts.” I said pinning it to my shirt, catching the moonlight in its reflection. “I feel lucky already.” I said catching a glimpse of a smile on his face. “This looks like your stop.” He said pointing to the street sign that said: “G St.”

“What about you?” I asked, “You live in the opposite direction. Who’s going to make sure that you get home safe?” “I’ll be fine” he reassured me, “When have you ever known me to be scared of a walk home?” Then he turned around and started his journey back the other direction. I stood there and watching him before he disappeared in the shadows. 

Dear Journal . . .

Growing up I always had a journal with me. I can remember being drawn to any empty book and wanting to fill it with my hopes, my dreams, my every thought, my everything. I found comfort in my literary shelter far away from the stifling environment that I lived in. I was free. Even after every journal I had was violated by eyes that didn't have business reading it. When that happened I would simply stop writing in it and eventually get a new one.

Last night I was flipping through an old journal I had when I was eighteen. It was so weird, reading every word that I had placed on the the pages was like I was back in those places where I had written them. I was suddenly the barely legal adult navigating the world of partying, bad decisions and fear of letting someone love him back. It wasn't the things that passed me by that brought tears to my eyes as I read each entry, it was the things that I stopped myself from doing that did it. I bit my tongue when I should have spoken my mind, I held on to those who didn't care for me the way I cared for them when I should have let them go, I let those who cared for me slip away and using the same excuses to justify my own loneliness.

April 27th 2010 a.k.a exactly one year after I had started that journal. This was the last entry:

As the clock strikes 1AM today marks the one year anniversary of getting this journal. My mind is blown by all the entries in here. I am one complicated person. So much has happened since the last entry so I'm going to try and catch up. Starting with my weekend. I recently bought a camera so I thought I'd test it out at a party. I took so many pictures that night. Then there was Matt. We talked at the T-ball game and we all decided to get together that night. As the shots were poured and we all slowly got wasted, the sexual tension was everywhere. We eventually kissed and end up crashing there and cuddling the next morning. We kiss the next night again to celebrate his last night in Clovis. It was nice actually getting some male attention. Too bad he left yesterday, who know's what could have happened. He looked at me like I haven't seen in a long time. The butterflies were out and about and now they left to Alaska. Remind me to tell you about MLC. It just keeps getting better.

That was the last entry in that journal and the last time I ever wrote in a journal again. Then began my dark period, but we all know about that. Then in January of 2011 I bought a new journal. Here is the very first entry from it:

January 17th, 2011:

It wouldn't be a new year without a new journal to chronicle every detail of it. Towards the end of last year I felt like I was on the cusp of something great and now I'm ready to tackle this year head on. I've made a few changes already. Starting with my decision to stop drinking, not partying a lot, staying home more and immersing myself more in my work. I've started a new website for my blog and posted my first YouTube video. I feel really good about the work I'm doing and I plan to expand my tiny empire. From my blog and beyond. Welcome to 2011: My Year.

And it was. 2010/2011 were the happiest times of my life. I did a little comparison of both journals and while they are written by the same person, they are not. My previous journal was written by a child lost, scared, alone and vulnerable. He knew nothing of himself or the world he lived in. He wrote about a nightmare that he wanted to wake up from but couldn't. The second journal is currently being written by me. The person I am at the moment, because I am a person of change. I am an adult now. I am living and I am loving. I am living a life that humbles me with it's beauty and I am loving every minute of it. It's become my career choice to grow in the wisdom that I've come across based on my past and accept it for what it was. No longer do I bite my tongue, but shout from the rooftops whatever I may be feeling. I've learned that we get nowhere when we don't embrace our every emotion. The ones who I carried deep feelings for when they didn't feel the same, those feelings are being laid to rest and I feel lighter from it. I now hold the ones who love me truly tighter than I ever thought I could and no longer do I make excuses. As an adult, we have to take responsibility for our actions good or bad.

So maybe I didn't go back to school to become a nurse or fall in love, but I did do a lot things that that eighteen/nineteen year old didn't think would happen: I quit pizza hut, I moved out on my own and made a life that I'm completely happy with with my own two hands.

I guess you could say that this is all a long winded way of saying that I need to stop being so hard on myself when I think I'm not moving forward in life. I need to give myself some credit every now and then because what I saw in black and white has turned into all kinds of beautiful shades of color <3

Xoxo.
B.

Dedicated to eighteen-year-old Ben,

If only you knew back then what you know now. But then what fun would've it been? ^_^