I'm lying in my bed about to get ready to close my eyes and call it an early night as I write this. I have my window open and I can't help but notice an easy silence is in the air tonight. Not a sound makes its presence known and I feel like the only person awake in my small town. It's the perfect opportunity to take a minute from my life and let out a huge sigh.
Just some random thoughts in my head about everything currently going on: I guess you can say I'm feeling a tad guilty for not keeping up with my extracurricular activities for weeks now. I literally have spent hours staring at a blank page hoping that some form of words would flow from my fingertips onto the screen, but no such luck. I suppose lack of energy and motivation are a big part of it to blame, the rest is all me. Inspiration hasn't been that hard to find luckily. I already have two blogs that I want to post. One is about a girl that is related to a friend of mine that gave me hope that today's youth can still find a light even in the darkest of times while the other is about what word can sum you up. Being inspired by the film "Eat, Pray, Love." Not to mention I have yet to post "Feels Like Home Pt. 2*" I think all three would be a great read but try and get them from my head onto here is a challenging task within itself. Maybe if I didn't worry so much about how I want it to sound and making sure that what I'm trying to say is being registered in the way that I intended it then maybe it'd be easier to post pretty regularly. Alas, I sit and wait for my thoughts to stop racing and come together in unison so that maybe I could entertain and delight all of you with something that has inspired me or been weighing on my mind.
As I wait patiently for the creative process to slowly run its course I've just been immersing myself in the other areas of my life: Working towards maintaining a good employee record without receiving any additional responsibilities from my bosses which never works seeing how they entrust me with the training of most new employee's we hire and being part of their "Core Group" which is for "the strongest employee's who maintain and uphold all the standards of the company" and for some reason me. Can't a guy go to work, make a little money then clock out without worrying about yet another work meeting on his only day off on the weekend? Hearing my name being yelled at from across the building feels like nails going down a chalkboard every time.
Being more social is something else I've been working on in between posts. I've noticed that I haven't been as active socially as I used to be. Most nights I'm at home with my roommates or having a staring contest with Microsoft Word. So this week I made it a point to get out and do something every night. So far it's been good especially with successful planning the day before. It also helps to have friends who are always wanting to do something with you.
Goodness, I think what I really needed was to vent. Having writer's block or working on staying off the couch is cake compared to how I was feeling a couple weeks ago.
I was working through a lot of emotional issues facing my family and having to deal with the stress that came along with them. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to stress so when I do it's usually never pretty, but to have it involve something I care about only amplifies those stress levels. I spent that time alone in seclusion from my mom and sisters because I wanted to take the time and process everything carefully and think about how I was going to let this effect my overall life. I found it to be a real difficult time to the point where I even tried to drink my sorrow's away, but when the beginning signs of a buzz started to kick in I had to stop myself. It wasn't helping me relieve any ill will feelings I had. It felt like it was only trying to keep my there in that darkness longer. That's when I decided to take control of the situation and say, "NO. You don't get to call the shots anymore!" No one could do it for me, I had to do it for myself. I realized that I was doing way too many positive things with my life to let any negativity ruin what I was doing.
I lie here in a sea of pillows and blankets right now on the verge of falling asleep at my keyboard so let me wrap this up for tonight.
We all have stress, family and even moments of weakness from time to time. I think the real challenge about life is not entering hard times, but how we handle them during. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
Sweet Dreams, Everyone!
Xoxo.
B.
