Broken In Two.

Blood wine, shade of red
Envelope me in words unsaid.

Angel whispers fill the air
to calm me through this dark despair.

I walk into an empty room
and only see what's broken in two.

Lying in the same position
fighting my way through this painful transition.

Frightened to be alone at night
for fear of not seeing the morning light.

I can't believe you did this to me.
Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe.

My heart races and my hands shake
I don't know how much more I can take.

The dark allure that temps me everyday
is the only thing that makes me stay
above water and far away from the thoughts
that haunt me every which way.

Your actions that speak and the words
you sell burned me like the fires of Hell.

End this torture I beg you please.
Send a cure for this horrible disease.

To repair what's been broken in two
I know I must get away from you.

I take this knife and with the blade
do I cut our ties and fade away.

I need to get back to that place of light
where the flowers bloomed and the sun
shone bright.

The eyes I see full of terror
are joined by a pasted smile in the mirror.

Remembering the days when I used to fly free.
Remembering the person I truly miss is me.

G St: Chapter One "The Morning After"

It’s morning. I know this because the sun is creeping through my blinds and my alarm seems to be making this high pitched ringing sound. I lied in bed trying to search for my phone somewhere buried within my comforter, as long as it’s somewhere within hand reaching distance.

I eventually find it and see that it’s 9:45AM. I hit the snooze button and turn on my side to fall blissfully back to sleep. Too bad I was re-awakened by my roommate who has burst into my room only moments later. “Coffee! Get it while it’s hot!” he says in such a perky way that it should be outlawed so early in the morning. I pull the covers over my head hoping to disappear inside my cocoon.

            “You know I don’t drink coffee.” I manage to mumble. I feel him crawl under the covers with me and make himself comfortable. “See, that’s your problem, you choose to live with your hangover instead of aid it with a cup of caffeinated happiness.” He said as he sipped from his cup.

 Was he really serious when he said caffeinated happiness? It sounded more like a drug that only coffee drinkers did that left them tapping on an empty coffee mug the same way a wind up cymbal clapping monkey did except with a spoon. 

            “I’m not choosing to live with it. I’m choosing to deal with it my way, you know, with like, water and lots of carbs. This is not my first time with a hangover.” This is true. I was no stranger to the drink. I can remember being sixteen over at a friend’s house while his parents were out of town and a bunch of us were having mud slides, which, led to a couple beers which led to some slush type drink that was mixed in a blender that made everything very fuzzy. Long story short I somehow woke up on the kitchen table the next morning. My head felt like someone had stabbed it with an ice pick and every sound was like nails against a chalkboard. Needless to say, that was the stepping stone to more nights like that.

            “True, but this is the first hangover after your 21^st birthday. This needs to be given the proper attention,” he said. My roommate Leo had to be the only person I knew who could make a hangover seem sentimental.

 I emerged from my covers, crawled over him out of bed and quickly realized that I was half naked. “Could you explain to me why I’m in nothing but my underwear? I could have sworn I was wearing clothes last night at the party. I was wasn’t I?” I pondered this as I rubbed my five o’ clock shadow in the mirror. “You were,” he began, “Then at some point during the evening you went from champagne to pinot grigio then to a mixed drink that had three different liquors in it. Then after crowning yourself ‘Duke of stripping’ you proceeded to show us your stripping skills. Then we carried you off to bed where you collapsed before asking us if you had given that guy your number. Couldn’t have done it better myself. My little boy is all grown up now,” he said letting out a small sigh and dabbing fake tears around his eyes.

            It all began to flood back to me. My 21^st birthday: I didn’t want to make a big deal about it so I just had some friends over, which, led to more friends over and led to chaos. I can still hear the cork popping off the champagne bottles. I can remember the sparkle of the bubbles as I stared at my glass in the light. I remember toasting to adulthood and the new adventure I wanted to embark on. This was it, no looking back now. “And it never crossed your mind to step in and stop me from looking like a fool at some point?” I asked crawling back into bed.

            “I figured you only turn twenty-one once so might as well go big or go home.” Leo nonchalantly said as he inspected the condition of his cuticles. “Just tell me no one took pictures of any of it.” I said dreading the possibility of there being actual evidence to my foolishness.

            “You know Patrick was all over that.” I hated that Patrick needed to record or capture every moment in life. Best friend or not, I may have to cause physical harm to him to hand over any and all photographic evidence. “Well,” Leo says as he throws the covers off himself and jumps out of bed, “I’m going to make a quick breakfast before jumping in the shower, any special requests?”

            “Solids” I say weakly, “lots and lots of solids.”

            “Pancakes, eggs and bacon it is.” He says before closing the door. I liked having Leo as a roommate. He watched out for me like an older brother but also nagged me like a mother. “As a mature member of the gay community it is our job to watch over the younger gays and guide them along their journey.” He would always tell me. He wasn’t that much older than me if you count being twenty-six that much more “mature”. He didn’t believe in the word “old”. He said that word sounded like death and he was “alive and kicking still”. But I had to hand it to the man; he sure knew how to make an awesome breakfast. I’m guessing he had a lot of practice being the oldest of four kids. His father owned an auto shop and worked long hours every week and his mother was the general manager of a grocery store. They both relied on Leo a lot to help out with his siblings so he had to cook and clean and watch after them after school most of the time with both of them being busy. But Leo had bigger plans. He wanted to move to a bigger city and live a life that was his own. So one day he packed up all his things in his car and said goodbye to his old life. His siblings were old enough to take care of themselves by then so he drove to Eastway, which, was just three and half hours away. “I just drove until I saw city lights.” He once told me. It was there that he got a job at a department store before moving to a small shoe boutique and working his way up to manager. "Glamour at it's best" he called it being quite proud of the life he had made. 

I had moved to Eastway when I was just a rebellious nineteen-year-old without a cause. I came from a conservative religious family who believed that homosexuality wasn’t an “ideal lifestyle choice”. Their views were quickly confirmed when they caught me with one of the neighbor’s sons. To be fair, he came on to me. I was helpless to resist his blue eyes. He got sent to one of those pray away the gay camps and after arguing for weeks with my parents I left too. I just drove until I saw city lights.

We had met at a club one night while waiting in the line for the bathroom. I was staying at a hotel nearby and had about another night left before I had to start turning tricks for money. I already had the hotel after all. I had no job and needed a plan quick or I was going to have to crawl back to my parents with my tail between my legs. It may have been my last option but it was quickly becoming my only option.

“Got a light?” A voice next to me said. I turned and it was a guy in a black button up shirt, jeans and a white belt. His hair was styled in a crazy messy way. I suppose to achieve that just rolled out of bed look. He had kind eyes and a nice smile. I smiled politely back and shook my head. “Damn, ok. So what’s going on up there?” he asked pointing to my head. “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here.” I replied.

I looked at my watch and it was almost 12:30AM. I don’t even know why I came out tonight. I knew no one here and I should be back at the hotel looking through the want ads not through a crowd of people searching for the answers to my problems. What was I really trying to achieve by being here? “There you go again.” The voice next to me said. It was bed head guy again. “What?” I asked being snapped back to reality. “You had that lost in your head look.” He replied as he checked his appearance in a nearby reflection. “Oh, sorry, I just have a lot on my mind at the moment.” I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a little sigh. Bed Head stopped primping his hair for a second and looked back at me in the reflection. “So what’s his name?” he asked. I let out a small laugh, “It’s not even remotely close to being about a guy and even if it was I wouldn’t waste this much energy stressing about it.” I saw a grin slowly creep onto his face. He turned around almost tickled by my response. “You’re a feisty one. I like that. Follow me.” Then he proceeded to grab my hand and make his way to the bar. “What about the bathroom?” I asked being caught off guard. “The only way that that bathroom is going anywhere is if it grew legs and walked away. I wouldn’t blame it either. Those poor stalls, I could tell you horror stories of some of the things I’ve seen just walking in to wash my hands. Here, drink this.” He hands me a shot.

I look at him slightly confused but I don’t question a free shot when it’s being handed to me. We tap our glasses on the bar and toast to whatever he dragged me over here for. “So what did we toast to? I know it’s not over my current illegal age to consume alcohol,” I said with a hint of sarcasm to my voice. He simply laughed before flagging the bartender down and gesturing for a second round, “Well, I can see that, but these guys clearly don’t so why mess with a good thing, huh?”

            We spent the night having a couple drinks and laughing at each other’s stories on how we got to Eastway then danced under the lights on the dance floor. The flashes of light seemed to hypnotize me as I swayed along with the music. I could feel the bass beating in my chest becoming one with my heartbeat. Was this going to be my life from now on? Where was I going to live tomorrow? And what was the name of my mystery host that made this night really interesting? I couldn’t think about these things too much. The alcohol was coursing through my veins fueling my desire to dance more. I looked at my watch, it was coming up on two in the morning so I turned and I realized that Bed Head was nowhere to be found. I did a quick scan of the club and found him at a table with a group of people in the corner. I casually walked over and leaned into Bed Head’s ear and told him I was leaving.

            “Thanks for the drinks, but I think I’m going to head out,” I said as I turned to leave but Bed Head tried to stop me. “So soon? But it’s so early!” he said enthusiastically.  “Yeah, so early in the morning; I really should be going though. It was really nice meeting you, Mystery Man,” I said as I turned around and made my way to the exit.

The night air was cool and felt nice as I exited out of the club and started walking back to my hotel room. Then I heard a voice calling from behind me. I turned around and it was Bed Head jogging to catch up to me. “You’re a real hard person to catch up to,” He said as I stopped to let him catch his breath. “It’s the cross I bare.” I joked as I stopped in my tracks.

“I felt it was my gentlemanly duty to see to it that you got home safe.” He said as we started walking again. “Well, I appreciate that, but I can take care of myself. Plus, it’s just a few blocks down.” I said as I started walking ahead of him. But I couldn’t shake him that easily. “I get it. You’re the ‘I don’t need anybody because I’m independent’ types, aren’t you?” he asked. I didn’t answer so he reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. “Well, I know that the journey you are embarking can be rough without a little help along the way. I see a lot of great things in your future. I’d hate to see that go to waste. Give me a call tomorrow and we’ll talk.” And he handed me a card with the name “Leo Flores” on it with his number and just like that, Bed Head had a name. I didn’t know it at the time but it was the start of a beautiful friendship. 

I was so caught up in my trip down memory lane that I didn’t even hear my phone ring in the present time. I looked at my phone and it was my friend Lila. It looks like she left a voicemail. I clicked to play it and she sounded just as happy as Leo did:

 “Hey! I guess you are too busy sleeping off your birthday bash to answer, but clear your schedule tonight because we are having drinks at The Bluestone. Eight-thirty and don’t be late. Love you!”

I tossed my phone to the side into a pile of pillows. Was it all downhill from here as everyone said it was? Or was this the start of a new chapter? Could I, Freddy Nieves, conquer this town and then what, the world? Ok, I might be jumping the gun a bit on that one, but hey, anything’s possible, right? Just then Leo appeared once more except he came bearing food. Truly, this is heaven on earth.