My Weekend Wrap Up: Brain Matter or Chanel Perfume?

Sunday marks the beginning of a new week. Everything is fresh and new and once again our slate gets wiped clean. I for one am happy about this. If I could describe last week in one word it would have to be: renewing. But naturally I took the long way to get to that point.

            I was doing a lot of thinking about a few things and one of those things was finally reaching acceptance about the situation concerning my mom. I spent a month or so going through the motions going back and forth between denial and anger before reaching depression. Feeling that pain and rejection was the most intense pain I had ever endured. I was like having someone’s hands around your neck and trying to fight them off, but no matter how hard you try their grip just gets tighter and finally you just want it to end. I had never felt so alone and abandoned before. I lied on top of the broken pieces that was my heart, feeling the shards cut me every time I moved waiting for relief. And then one day, while at work, I had a thought: I needed to forgive. Simply forgive. Not for her, not for anyone else, but for myself. I knew that it wouldn’t change anything, but at least I could fly freely on the wings of forgiveness. I took a deep breath and said a little prayer to the universe letting it be known that I forgave her.

I was also coming to the end of my story with a man who had been the prince on a white horse in my fairytale. Friendly by nature and sweet as the words he would say to me, I was smitten by him since the first day we met four years ago. It takes a real special man to have me twisted in such a way that I can’t even think straight, and that’s what this man was to me; someone so special that I would’ve done just about anything just to feel his heartbeat against mine. But we were on two different paths of life. He was conquering the medical field and gearing up to start the next phase of his life and I am but a mere flower child with stars in my eyes and my head in the clouds. So I did what any rational thinking human being would do, I set those butterflies free. If you care about something you must set it free and if it’s meant to be they will come back. He will always hold a special place in my heart and I continue to send him love and light every time I think about him.

            Letting go of two of the most important people in my life took a huge part of me. It probably didn’t help that I was stressing so much about every little thing that it actually triggered a panic attack one night. It felt like I was drowning in myself, my body shook uncontrollably, it was hard to breathe and I thought this was how it was all going to end. I was scared to death. I rocked back and forth taking deep breaths and talking to my roommate who was prepared to take me to the hospital. I finally calmed myself down around two in the morning and went to bed clutching the blankets tightly around me hoping that it would be different in the morning.

            After getting over what I hoped was just a onetime thing, I was overjoyed when my friend Amanda H. invited me out for margaritas on Saturday night. We hadn’t seen each other in two years and I couldn’t remember the last time I had so much fun. She introduced me to “Dosritas”, which was a margarita with an upside down Dos Equis bottle in it. One thing led to another and we managed to have three of them. She caught me up on what was going on with her life which consisted of going on an ambulance call where she had actual brain matter on her hands from a man who had attempted suicide. And this is right before we met up. “Now I can say what brain matter feels like,” she said. Her eyes lit up as she talked about it and she apologized for the imagery. “I have a morbid fascination for it I guess.” She said proudly. I couldn’t help but compare it to having Chanel perfume on my hands. We laughed all night watching other people who were sitting at the bar along with us. She pointed to a couple next to us who looked like they were on an awkward first date. “Look at their body language.” She pointed out. They both had their arm crossed which is a sign of their guard being up. It was the first time I had real adult fun and we decided to make it a monthly thing.

            If it’s one thing I learned this past week it’s prioritizing your time. When we get so wrapped up in our schedules we end up drowning in the stress we create from them. When I actually left my daily life full of fighting the demons of my present, pre-sells, men troubles and maintaining the perfect appearance I found relief at the end of it with friends and family who are willing to jump to my aid at a moment’s notice. Their love provides a safety net for me to fall back on even when I feel like I’m on shaky ground. So take some time for yourself! Give yourself a manicure, grab a drink with the girls or even write a few pages down in a journal. I guarantee once you get that stress out of your body the morning after is much brighter. Life may not always be glamorous but it’s worth more than all the money in the world.  

Have a fun and safe Halloween this year!

Xoxo.

B.

G St.

Dearest readers,

Sorry if I've been a little M.I.A. lately. I'm kind of under the weather at the moment. No need to fret! I'll be good as new in no time. If I just learn how to relax and let my body recover fully, but you slow down, you die! That's always been my motto lol. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who made "Love 2.1" one of the biggest and most viewed blogs I've posted this year! The positive feedback I've received from it has humbled me as a writer and touched my heart. My next blog "Welcome" is still in the process of being written if I can just find the right hook to get it to go where I want it to go. I'm really having second thoughts about it because it sounds so drab when I read back over and over. It sounds like it takes all this time to go nowhere so I might just cancel it. Sorry about all the hype!

What I do have in the planning process is a fictional story. This won't just be one post. Consider it a series if you will. I've never taken a jab at writing fiction so this will be an interesting experience. I'm calling it "G St." and now I'm working what I want the story to be about. I want to make it fun, interesting, insightful and just an overall good read. Wish me luck!

Xoxo,
B.

Love 2.1

It’s funny how life as we think we know it can change in the blink of an eye. One minute you’re sitting on top of the world watching everything below then something comes along, grabs your world and shakes it just a bit. Suddenly, you have to conform to a new way of thinking. Your daily routine gets tweaked ever so slightly and you have to think of new inventive ways of staying alive. I’ve come to realize that this is how life works.

            Here I sit in a room where I did a lot of growing up in the past year. I look around at these four walls that created an environment entirely made of acceptance and freedom. I look at the pictures on my dresser slightly covered in dust because of my lack of tidying up skills. I’m in almost all of them and I used to think that was because I am very vain, but looking at them now I see my face in a different background each telling a different story, but with the same smile that just says, “Hey look, Ben! You were here!” I like to look at this like an emotional growth chart. It’s me in all these pictures, but I was at a different emotional state in all of them. It starts out awkward and afraid to rebellious and troubled to hitting rock bottom before settling to working my way up. I can honestly say that I have felt more alive in the past year than I ever have in my entire life. A lot of it had to do with making some drastic decisions, taking some risky chances and ultimately stop trying to force everything and just let them happen in their own time.

            In past blogs I talk about my slight addiction I had to alcohol. I know everyone’s definition of “addicted” is different so that’s why I stand firm in saying that yes, I was addicted. I used it to fit in, to run away from my problems, to overall mask the unhappiness that I was feeling; settling me comfortably into the depression that I had put myself in. No one could help me stop drinking. I knew if I wanted to stop I was going to have to be the one to say, “Alright, I think you’ve done enough damage. Look at yourself. You look like a hung over mess. Get your ass in a shower and then let’s start cleaning up this mess.” I was stupid enough to keep doing it for a few years, but not stupid enough to not know that that was the key to my freedom.

            Quitting was the easy part. I started by going cold turkey slowly working my way up from there. Just until I learned how to control my intake and be the proper inebriated that the situation would call for. Example: The Christmas party for your job? No; game night at home with friends? Yes. I started drinking tons of water and tea to rehydrate and cleanse my body of all the toxins both emotional and physical sort of speak. I needed to feel like I started over. Everything that had happened over the last few years no longer existed as far as I was concerned. I began staying home more in an effort to get my body used to sleeping eight hours again instead of three or four. I was seeing friends less and often turned down social invitations from them. I wasn’t just spending time at home; I needed to isolate myself so I could detoxify my mind, body and soul. It allowed me to sit with my thoughts and start diving into the swamp that was my mind. I dipped my toe into those dirty waters as I began to rehash past mistakes. I had to stop dwelling on each and every single time I tried to show the world I was human by doing something that earned me unworthy attention. Forgiveness is the hardest lesson to learn. Especially for one’s self. It requires a certain level of vulnerability that can almost be overwhelming.

            “Your road to glory will be difficult, but fulfilling.” I had received that tiny piece of wisdom from an old fortune cookie earlier this year. Call me a believer in New Age philosophy, but I couldn’t help but believe that it held some truth to it. Maybe I didn’t understand it at the time, but it began slowly revealing itself in a bunch of different ways. When it comes to people I’ve learned that there are going to be a few in your life that you will come across who will say a lot of things to you that will stick with you throughout your whole life. It could be “Don’t be afraid” “You’re important to me” or “Don’t you want to have a relationship with me?” It’s weird how simple sentences of just a few words seem to leave their mark on our life trail. We can try to scuff them away into the dirt but no matter how hard you try you’ll just be getting your shoes dusty. One of the worst things you can ever hear another human being say is: I’m giving up.

            I have the upmost faith in every human being that they can overcome whatever mountain they seem to be facing. I know that we all have a source of strength within ourselves that can be tapped into if we just realize that no problem is that big after all. Seeing another person refuse to tap into their strength and decide that they are just going to give up on everything: life, love, happiness, friends, family, had to be the saddest sight I had ever seen in my entire life. I never had someone on the other end of a phone call verbally say and mean it when they said: “I’m done with everything and everyone. I just want to be left alone forever. You can just forget about me and no one will ever be bothered by me again.” And what do you do when you can’t say or do anything to change their mind? That person died that night. Not physically, but inside my heart. I sat quietly as a big part of me died. Like trying to hold on to water, it slipped right through my fingers. Every now and then it will hit me in waves and wash over me in such a bittersweet way as it plays with my broken heartstrings. I know I’ll grow to accept it in time, but for now I sit and watch the waves roll by.

            I do believe in a couple of things: a daily moisturizing routine, Ricola throat lozenges and most importantly, love. I didn’t have any real good examples of what love really is growing up. There was just something inside of me that always knew that no matter what love does in fact conquer all. And I knew that it would never let me down if I just believed in it. So I began putting love out there into the universe and in return I received more love than I ever thought could exist. Love is everywhere I go. It’s in the morning sunlight that pours itself into my windows every day; it’s in a gentle breeze the way it brushes gently across my face. I can even find it in the eyes of a little boy who has so much love in his tiny hands. I have been given a beautiful chance to experience love unlike I ever have before. Growing up with a broken heart most of my life I can honestly say that learning to love yourself is the first step to healing. Getting over that mountain is the hard part, then comes opening yourself up to others and allowing them to love you back. It’s really an amazing and eye opening journey of self discovery. The work is hard but the reward is worth it.

            This is all probably just a long winded way of saying that I’ve grown up in the past year since my last birthday, but I can’t stress enough how much it has changed me in so many positive ways. I’m actually happy and I want nothing more than to share that happiness with everyone. I’m in control of my life for the first time and it and that is something I will not apologize for. I’ve been called “selfish” and a “snob” for standing up for myself and not succumbing to what other’s wanted me to be. That’s ok, I’ve been called worse and I’m pretty sure that won’t be the last time my name will be used in a negative way. “You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies. You may tread me in the very dirt, but still, like dust, I’ll rise.” Here I stand on the edge of a new adventure, a new life. My name is Benjamin Tomas. I like eating pop tarts at midnight and seeing people happy is what I live for. I am also twenty-one and I’m finally ready to start living my life. 

Xoxo.

B.