G St. Chapter Four: "In The Morning" Pt 2.

When the gang arrived I was giddy with delight and couldn’t wait to rehash my morning with AJ. “Let’s raise a glass” I said, “to lovely mornings and the future, whatever it may hold.” I added that last part just in case the fates were listening and not to jinx it. In all honesty, it didn’t matter what the future held for me, my friends or AJ, I was living in the moment and happy to be here for once instead of my head watching from the inside. We raised our glasses and another pang of happiness went through my body as I heard them clink together.

“Well, I for one am happy to see you happy. I haven’t seen a smile like that on your face since you were happy with your first eyebrow waxing.” Patrick said. Well, they were that at that subtle line between masculine and “Yeah, that guy gets his eyebrows done.”

“I’m so proud of you, Freddy” Lila added with a certain sparkle in her eye, “Even more so, I’m proud of me! If I hadn’t pressed the issue with you you might have never had the nerve to call him.” I had to do a double take to make sure I heard her correctly. I turned to Leo to hear what he had to say about all of it but he was sitting quietly waiting to hear more about my morning. I stared at him for a few moments as he kept fidgeting in his chair looking like he had to use the bathroom. Finally, frustrated with the silent treatment I opened the floor for his opinion and it was then he opened the flood gates.

“I’m head over heels in love with this coupling!” he finally let out. “I mean, he’s cute, talented and he can cook! What more could you ask for in a man.” I toasted to that and then it hit me. “Wait, how did you know he cooked?” He looked at all of us in guilty silence before speaking. “Um, I could smell food being cooked and I knew you didn’t cook so I figured it had to be AJ.”

“But you don’t smell anything but coffee. I tried cooking once and burned it to a crisp! You didn’t even smell the smoke!”

“I heard you two talking.”

“You don’t get up before noon and you’ve never met AJ.”

His eyes darted back in forth and he bit his lip. He only did that when he couldn’t think of anything to say off the top of his head. Looking like he lost the war he threw his hands in the air and said, “You can take the interrogation lamp off me, officer, I admit it! I was spying! There, are you happy?” he then put his head on the table and began sobbing. I sipped the last of my drink as I let him throw his tantrum.

“Are you done?” I asked finally as I swished the ice in my glass kind of amused by his dramatic display. It was like a switch as went from Blanche back to fun loving Leo. “Yes” he replied with a perky smile on his face.

“So what’s he like?” Patrick asked totally ignoring me and instead asking Leo. “Oh, he’s an absolute doll! He’s great conversation, has eyes to die for and a complete gentleman.” Leo gushed.

“Alright, if you’re done making a fool of yourself, I believe I was the one who had the date with him.” I protested.

“My, my, aren’t we defensive, but you’re being so coy with your feelings. Someone’s got to gush for you.” He said tossing his napkin at me. Truth is, something like this doesn’t happen too often, I have to ration. “Well, I think it’s nice.” Lila added quickly somehow picking up on my train of thought. I intertwined my arm with hers and put my head on her shoulder. My head started to feel funny and I found myself staring at the picture of Alex’s parents that he kept on the bar mantle. They stood side by side with their hands laced with each other’s and stood proudly in front of the bar they just opened. They looked so proud and happy and there was little Alex inside his mother’s belly waiting to be born. I got up from the table and walked to where Alex was serving drinks to customers. I picked a seat at the end of the bar and waited till he came my way.

            “What’ll it be, Freddy?” Alex asked ready to take my order. I put my hand on his and said, “I’d like a story please.” I said.

           

            “My parents have always believed that people are going to love who they want and society can go fuck themselves if they didn’t like it.”After some pestering, Alex finally decided to feed my curiosity about his life. I have known the guy for a few years, but never actually knew anything about him. “When they first met, they both had grown up with siblings who were gay and saw firsthand just how hard it was trying to be accepted for it. They wanted to create an environment for people to feel comfortable and to be who they are no matter where they came from. And hey, why not toss back a few, too.” He said laughing. “When I actually came out to them my dad walked up to me and said, ‘You are my son and I love you no matter who you decide love.’ And my mom called the rest of the family that night. They were trying to show me just how proud they were of me because they believed that’s what a parent is supposed to do.” I hung on to every word of Alex’s story.

            “Where are your parents now?” I asked feeling completely engulfed wanting to know more. But before he could continue I felt the presence of someone’s hands over my eyes. “Guess who.” The voice asked in a low whisper in my ear. I turned in my bar stool and saw AJ standing behind me. He gave me a hug that seemed to linger a bit. I was pressed lightly against him by his strong arms holding me there for a moment. Thankfully, he was holding me or I might have just melted in his arms right there.

            “Hey!” I said giving him a warm smile, “Fancy running into you here.”

            “Well, I’ve heard so much about this place I decided to finally check it out. I’m here with some friends actually.” He said pointing to a group of people in a corner table. They waived and I waived back. “You remember Alex, right? He was with me that night at the gallery.” They both shook hands before Alex turned and walked away. It was almost sad seeing him leave his story unfinished.

            “So what are you doing here?” AJ asked.

            “Are you kidding? I come here more than a normal person should!” I replied almost wincing after wanting to retract that statement. Now he probably thinks I’m some alcoholic. “What I meant to say was this place is sort of like an oasis in a desert of chaos. I left my home when I was nineteen and it wasn't exactly home sweet home to begin with. Besides living with my roommate, I haven’t been able to find another place that is as warm and welcoming like The Bluestone.” I think he understood where I was coming from. I could see it in his eyes. They had this special way of communicating without even using words. They even kind of looked like their own oasis even in the soft light of the bar.

I felt my phone vibrate and it was a text from Leo: “You two kids have fun” with a winking face at the end of it. I turned around and saw the table was empty.

“Something wrong?” AJ asked. “No, nothing, I think my friends decided to head home.” I told him. “Hey, that’s alright, I think my friends had the same idea.” I peeked over his shoulder and saw the table that his friends were sitting at were was empty too. “And then there were two.” I said.

            The bar started clearing out of as it got later into the night. AJ had moved his bar stool as close to mine putting his arm around my shoulder creating a world outside of reality. His subtle kisses on my cheek or the moments of comfortable silence proved to be nothing short of pure bliss.

            “Closing time” I heard a voice say. Alex was standing behind the bar tapping his fingers looking exhausted and ready to throw us out. AJ excused himself to hit the restroom. “Sorry, Alex, I guess we just lost track of time.” I told him whipping out the Bambi eyes again. Sadly, they had a zero effect. “Ok, ok, we’re going. Just hand me the bill and we’ll be on our way.” But before I could open my wallet, AJ was already shelling out the cash for our bill. “It’s ok, I got you.” He said smiling at me.

            When we got ready AJ offered me his arm and I linked it with his. I waved goodbye to Alex and expressed how I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow night. A smirk spread across his face, “Be careful getting home, Fred” he said waving back.

            From day to night and with the stroke of midnight the first date that seemed utterly perfect had come to a close. We walked in a comfortable silence all the way back to G St where, at my doorstep, before I could put my key into the lock he put his hands on my shoulders, turned me around and our lips met in a perfect kiss. Well, I might sound totally biased being on the receiving end of this kiss, but if this was what perfection was I wouldn't mind staying here a while. 

On deck: Chapter Five "One Wish" Stay Tuned. 

Catching Up.

I planned on posting a bunch of things back in November. I wrote tirelessly to try and finish it all but I never was one to force something. I like my work to fill me up to the point to where I have to drop whatever I’m doing and write it down because that’s the hook I was looking for! *sigh* what a rush! I had Thanksgiving and scrambling to make rent to keep me occupied till then. . . . .

It’s a quiet evening tonight as I lie here in bed surrounded by scattered clothes, unpacked boxes from six or seven months ago when I first moved in and books that sleep with me that I take time to read whenever I get in one of my moods. A cold front recently moved in replacing the eighty degree weather that had become a big part of this winter season. Finally! A chance to wear the new cardigans I bought J I pay no mind to my sister calling me “Mr. Rogers” whenever she sees me. I’m sorry, but I’ve been painfully patient for a time to wear them all year! Fashion aside, winter might not be my favorite of the four seasons, but I do enjoy the quiet nights for movies and family time.

It’s these in between moments that I enjoy most. It's a pleasant feeling actually like a warm embrace from an old friend or a tender kiss from a lover. That in between time where most of us plan our next day, but I like to be alone in my world and think about where I am as the afternoon casts its light through the trees outside my door.

A lot of other changes are on their way to me as I continue with this new phase of life; my soul tells me that these changes happened for a reason and I don't argue when it's the soul who has the last word. The fear is there, it has to be there. I'm not psychic and I can't predict the future but I also have a new found courage that I discovered as I realized that yes, the possibility that I could lose everything I have might happen. But everything I have ever wanted is just on the other side of the rainbow and no matter what happens in the next year, I know I’ll be strong enough to survive it.

As a chameleon who thinks that I might have a severe case of creative A.D.D., I have decided to once again to reinvent myself creatively and take some time to continue with my life’s work. It’s funny; I have spent the last six years of my life trying to find my purpose here in this life.

As one of my all time idols, Nelly Furtado once sang, “I have lived so many lives, though I’m not old. . .” I have been so many different people in all those six years and I still feel like a different person every day. The things I thought or said yesterday feel like I say or thought them for the first time every day. And through it all I have always worn my heart on my sleeve for the entire world to see. No matter if I was breaking at the cracks or ascending to greater heights, I always made it a point to be honest with people and speak my truth through all my creative outlets: writing in this blog, my own personal journal, letting my body language speak for me when I don’t feel like speaking to anyone, taking pictures with a crazy or random theme, writing poetry or spending hours online looking up vocal techniques, watching videos of live performances from my favorite artists and also researching new artists/groups I have come across.

And that’s it, my life’s work: Truth, beauty, life, love, music and expression. It’s my bohemian lot in life to dedicate myself to my art. When I grow up I’d like to accomplish a few things: 1. Get published (one work of fiction, a work of poetry, and my memoir) 2. Perform for people all my favorite genres of music 3. Have a garden of lavender. Not very long list but I like the way it looks so far ^_^

I look forward to 2013 and all the gifts it has to offer. And you don’t need a Christmas tree for those ;) lol.

Happy Holidays to you and yours <3

Xoxo,

B.

G St. Chapter Four: "In The Morning" Pt 1.

Look out! A new "G. St." Coming at you! :) In The Morning: It was Saturday morning and I was frantically trying to get ready for work because I chose to snooze my alarm instead of listen to it as it warned me that I had less than ten minutes before I had to leave the house. I had to be at “The Page Turner” cleverly named after its location on the corner of 14th and Turner Street. I was filling in for Patrick seeing how he caught food poisoning yesterday. Saturdays were usually slow filled with browsers looking to kill time on the weekend or the occasional housewife looking to lose herself in a steamy romance novel. It was an easy job with first pick of the new books that came in. I rushed in the door with my boss Dustin standing by looking at his watch. He was a cool guy for the most part. He was punctual with a pet peeve for tardiness but other than that he was pretty much laid back not caring if we sat around reading all day. “I don’t consider it sitting around, you’re boning up on ways to converse and connect with customers.” I tried to sneak a peek at my watch to see if I still had a job or if I needed to grab the want ads. “Cutting it a little close aren’t we, Freddy?” he said tapping the face of his watch. “That depends. My watch is a little ahead, but sometimes it’s a little slow. It’s the battery, it’s old and--“he held up a hand to signal me to stop talking. “You can quit rambling to stall; another two minutes and I would’ve had to put out that Help Wanted sign.” I sighed with relief as he disappeared behind the stacks. Lila was in a corner by the window where customers could read or hang out putting half off stickers on books with tattered covers. Her pretty blonde hair was up in a bun with and she was wearing her glasses that she only wore at work so they’d give her that sexy librarian look. “Hey” she said with a smile. “Hey” I said grabbing a stack of books and a page of half off stickers. It was overcast outside as we sat by the window and we both sat quietly for a moment just pricing books that would sit in a tiny bin near the front door just being passed by people who will pilfer through it but never buy anything. It was the literary equivalent of the Island of Misfit Toys. I almost felt sad for them. “So have you called him?” Lila asked not looking up from the books on her lap. If only she knew that I was feeling sorry for the marked down books in an attempt to avoid thinking about Alan and his romantic invite to dinner. It had been a few days since that morning and aside from polishing off the cake as a midnight snack I had tried not to give it much thought. I was already getting the third degree from Leo daily and now it looked like Lila was taking the next shift of interrogation. It wasn’t that I was afraid, I just wasn’t used to a guy paying such special attention to me. Receiving a dinner invite via text message was as romantic as it got for me. The dates usually consisted of the guy talking about themselves over a dinner in which we’d split the bill down the middle, but I’d end up leaving the tip. Then I’d come home and shower to wash the bad date off of me. Which I guess is a long winded way of saying that I can’t go on anymore bad dates. What makes this guy any different? “As a matter of fact, no I haven’t. I’m playing hard to get, can’t come off too needy.” I told her while planning a new topic to use an evasive maneuver in my head “But did you hear about the drug war happening in Mexico? Didn’t they get the memo? It’s ‘hugs not drugs’.” She stopped working and looked up at me with her eyebrow raised, “Nice try at the evasive maneuver. What’s the hold up? I saw him that night. He was pretty easy on the eyes and he did ask you out in a cute and original way. That’s got to count for something.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was only stating the obvious. “Listen, Lila, I just haven’t decided when and if I want to. It’s all a delicate process besides, he has probably forgotten all about me.” Looking unsatisfied with my answer she pulls out her phone from her pocket and hands it to me. “Well, we’ll never know until we try and what’s the worst that can happen?” “I could end up spending another night in the shower exfoliating another bad date off of me which could lead to OVER exfoliating which could lead to dry skin. Do you really want that on your conscious?” I told her trying to defuse the situation with humor. “Or you could spend a great evening with a cute guy and have it blossom into something equally great.” She countered with. I sat for a moment and weighed out my options. On one hand, I could possibly have a pleasant evening with a handsome man and save water on a post date shower and on the other hand, I could get everyone off my back about the entire issue and finally put it to rest. It seemed like a win-win when you laid it out like that. “Fine” I said, “I’ll call him tonight. Now, let’s finish putting stickers on these books. They’re starting to depress me.” As the sun finally set and ushered in the night I knew I couldn’t put off calling Alan any longer. I paced the floor in my room from wall to wall staring at the card with Alan’s number on it. Hadn’t the window of making a phone call responding to a dinner date closed? With any luck, he had forgotten all about it. And then it hit me that I could be making a bigger deal out of this than it actually was. I continued to pace the floor as I threw caution to the wind and dialed his number. It rang once. . . .Twice. . . . then a third time. And just as it was about to ring a fourth I heard a voice. “Hello?” Hearing his voice stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t even say hello back, what made me think I could carry on an actual conversation with this guy? “Hello?” he asked a second time waiting for a response. “He-ey” I choked out, “It’s Freddy. We met at one of your shows. I hope I’m not calling too late.” “Yeah! I remember you. How are you?” He asked sounding a little shocked. “Good, good. I was just calling to ask if that invitation to dinner was still on the table.” There was a small pause before he responded. A small part of me was hoping that he’d end this quickly; my palms were feeling a little clammy. “Of course! I’d love to take you out sometime. What about tomorrow night?” I could hear a smile on his end as he said it and I felt one creep up on mine. “Great. I’ll see you tomorrow night.” We finalized the details and we hung up. I opened the door to my bedroom to run to tell Leo what happened. As I swung it open a body fell to my floor. Leo looked up at me with an empty glass in his hand. “Oh! Hey! Hey there! I was just. . . .ummm. . . .Listening for door fairies? You’re young enough to believe that, right?” I couldn’t help but laugh as I lent him my hand. “Well, I think I found one. Better call the exterminator in the morning.” “So I couldn’t help but over hear-“ “Shamelessly I might add.” “Yes, well, that’s beside the point. My little Freddy has a date! Now, you won’t die an old maid.” He hugged me to the point of suffocation. The next morning I awoke to the sound of our door bell. I knew Leo wouldn’t answer it due to the fact that he sleeps under a mountain of pillows thus making it impossible for any sound to penetrate his force field. It was a quiet Sunday morning and I figured any and all pamphlet carriers were in there respective churches praying for the poor souls such as myself who were sleeping in. I grabbed my robe and made my way to the front door. I looked through the peep hole and couldn’t believe my eyes. It was Alan standing there dressed casual in a black t-shirt, jeans and Converses. I looked down and saw myself in pajama bottoms, an undershirt and I’m pretty sure morning breath was going to be present if I answered this door. Why was he here? What did he want? And what was he going to think when he sees this hot morning mess? With no time to analyze the situation too long I ran my fingers through my hair and made a mental note to keep an appropriate distance. I slowly opened the door and he greeted me with a bright smile. “Good morning.” He said with his hands in his pockets, with his signature handsome smile, looking at me like I knew the reason he was here. “Good morning to you.” I replied, “I thought when the time changed we fell backwards an hour and it wouldn’t be so bright outside for dinner.” “You’re right.” He said, “But dinner seems so predictable for a date. I thought maybe we’d switch things up. I’m sure you haven’t had breakfast yet” His hazel eyes looked excited as he searched my face for some kind of reciprocation, but how can anyone reciprocate so early in the morning? Wasn’t this the day of rest? But on the other hand, I had to hand it to him for his spontaneity. “You know, that sounds like a good idea.” I said with a smile, “Just give me a few minutes and we’ll be good to go. Come on in.” I moved out of the door way to let him through. Luckily, Leo and I pride ourselves on having the house neat and inviting just in case we have unexpected company drop in. “Could I get you something to drink while you wait?” I offered calling from the kitchen. I opened the fridge to find all the essentials a single gay man needs: milk, leftovers, soda, orange juice, vodka. Would screw drivers be too tacky for a first date? Look at me, the guy barely gets through the door and I was already contemplating getting hammered. “No, I’m fine.” He called back, “and hey, don’t feel rushed just because I’m here. I kind of did show up out of the blue.” His voice was kind and it sent butterflies through me. I took a shot of vodka and chased it with some orange juice to calm my nerves. I’m human, sue me. I walked back into the living room to find him flipping through a magazine. He looked up from it and put it down when he saw me. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I’m almost embarrassed that I showed up here without you knowing. I think I was trying to be romantic and spontaneous.” He said looking nervous. I took solace that he wasn’t the only one. I left him standing there and wandered back into the kitchen. I returned with two screwdrivers. “Still feeling spontaneous?” I asked him handing him a glass. He took a sip and a smile crept on his face. God, what is it about that smile. We decided to make breakfast at my house. We both searched for pans to cook eggs and bacon. I didn’t use the kitchen for anything other than to make coffee. He quickly picked up on this when he caught me looking in the top cupboard for the frying pan. “Why don’t you let me take it from here.” He said turning on the burners of the stove. “I couldn’t possibly let you do that.” I said, “It’d be rude of me as a host and go against everything Emily Post stands for.” He turned from the stove and walked to the fridge taking two eggs from it. “How do you like your eggs?” he asked smiling and I suppose ignoring me and Emily Post. We spent majority of the morning eating the delicious breakfast he made. He was such great company and great conversation. I learned that Allen was the oldest of four children, grew up in a conservative home and was unhappy with the plan that his parents had laid out for him. He was supposed to graduate high school and go to law school and work for his father’s firm thereafter. But he had fallen into the art crowd and fallen in love with sketching. He never thought that it would turn in to anything other than an escape, but he couldn’t focus on anything but his passion. When graduation came around he told his parents that he was going to school to study art. They were upset and disappointed and told him they were not going to pay for his “hobby”. He had got a job at a diner working the morning shift (thus being handy in the kitchen) paying his dues submitting pieces of his art to different galleries. Finally, one gallery fell in love with his pieces of abstract art. He was just inspired by all the emotions he was feeling striking out on his own and chasing something that meant a lot to him. He put all the inspiration into shapes, colors and lines. The art dealer fell in love with it. “They just seem to mean something to me at the time. I was up and down, on a constant emotional rollercoaster. It just felt good to put all of that on a canvas.” I was in awe of his story. He knew exactly what he wanted and went after it. It kind of made me wonder what I was doing with my life. “The art world is so intriguing to me. I can barely do a stick figure, but I admire those who can become so inspired by anything they come across.” I said looking into his eyes with total admiration. His face turned a shade of red as he smiled. He then reached out and put his hand on top of mine. Suddenly, his face wasn’t the only one turning red. “When I met you that night at the gallery I was kind of feeling down due to the fact that everyone there seemed to be more interested in the open bar than what I was trying to share with everyone. It just felt like a cocktail party instead of something cultural. Then I saw you standing there staring at that picture. Totally separate from what everyone else was doing. I had to meet you. I got kind of nervous though when I saw you standing with that guy-“ “He’s just a friend.” I added. “I kind of got that when you weren’t giving off that possessive vibe over him like some men do. There was something about you.” My face became hot again. I was getting that feeling one gets when you have a really great time with someone. It was comfortable and there was no pressure to put on this horse and pony show to impress him. Clearly, seeing how I was still in pajamas. By the time I looked at a clock it was almost lunch time and he still had his hand on mine, but I didn’t seem to mind. I walked him to my door and we stood there before I opened it. “Thank you for breakfast. It was spontaneous, romantic and fun.” I told him. I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. He picked up my hand and kissed it back. “Thanks for not calling the cops and having them bring me up and stalking charges.” He said. We both laughed and I let him out. Before getting into his car he tossed me the morning paper. “Can I see you again? Maybe we could actually have dinner next time?” Without even thinking about it I told him yes. After he left I decided I needed to celebrate my first successful date in a long time with friends. I grabbed my phone and dialed up Lila’s number. “Hello?” she said in a raspy voice. She was still asleep. “So I’ve already had breakfast, but how about drinks tonight? I think I can skip exfoliating for one night.” Picking up on my subtle nod to my morning I could hear a hint of a smile to her voice. “Count me in.” I told her I’d have Patrick and Leo join us. Tonight we were toasting. Maybe I’d have a screwdriver. I showed up first to The Bluestone and snagged a tall table in a corner. Sunday nights were slow. I decided to wait for the rest of the gang to show up before ordering. Alex came to the table looking like something was on his mind. He was a proud man who didn’t usually blurt out every little thing that was on his mind, unlike me; sometimes he needed a little push. “What’s up with you? You’re head looks like it’s about to blow up. I mean, it always does, but tonight it might reach total capacity.” See what I mean. I don’t think he appreciated my light and frothy humor with that look on his face. “I’m just a little stressed. I’m short on help and so I have to make the drinks, deliver the drinks and bill for the drinks.” He took a seat on the stool next to me and laid his head on the table. I ran my fingers through his hair hoping that it would relieve some of his burden. It was thick and soft like silk, I almost asked him if he used conditioner and if so, what kind. Then it hit me, “Hey, here’s a crazy idea, why don’t I lend a helping hand until you find some help?” He lifted his head off the table and raised an eyebrow, “Seriously? You’d do that? Have you ever worked in a bar before?” he asked with a look of hope in his eyes. “No, but how hard can it be? I know the menu really well and get along with the regulars. Plus, I got a pretty face. Now who wouldn’t want a cocktail delivered with a smile?” I said using my best Bambi eyes. “But don’t you already have a job?” Alex asked. “It’s been terribly slow and my boss cut back on my hours. I could really use the money.” I told him. “Fine, fine” he said, “Can you start tomorrow?” I jumped out of my seat with glee and gave Alex a suffocating hug. “Oh, thank you! I won’t let you down. We’re going to have so much fun!” I said. He told me what time to come in and to wear comfortable shoes. I was officially Freddy, the cocktail waiter. That's just part one :) I had a lot of fun playing with Freddy's romantic side. It was fun seeing how he and Alan throw the rules of dating out the window and have an impromptu breakfast. What's next in store for them I wonder? And how will working at The Bluestone work out? Guess you'll find out in Part Two! :) <3 Xoxo, B.

No Rest For The Wicked.

Touching base once again and yes, it has been a whirlwind of literary madness! :) I've added two new journals for my collection. One is a dream journal, but I've been having trouble sleeping lately which makes it hard to remember the small fragments of dreams I do have, but it is my goal to understand my waking life better by analyzing my dreams. The other, is for my prayers. I've never been the hardcore religious type but I always make it a point to set some time to be spiritual and that includes praying. The only down side is that I like to pray when my mind is focused (which hasn't happened that often lately lol). Even in the shower, as I lather my hair, I remind myself to pray about this or that. But by nights end, I'm too tired to remember what it is I wanted wisdom and guidance about. So I decided to write my prayers to God in hopes that they will still be heard even if I use a pen. I did a lot of writing for the big project I'm working on (I'm still trying to decide what to call it, but my mind changes too much) as well as a couple pages for "G St." on top of reading books whenever I can. I feel quite proud of myself at filling my time this way. The only question I have for myself is when I'll dedicate some time to exercise for the body as well as the mind. But I think waiting tables does have some cardiovascular benefits to it lol. Gotta love loopholes. It's a beautiful time in my life right now. Yes, I could crumble underneath the daily stresses in the back of my mind, but giving up has never been an option of mine. That's when you work harder, you don't wait for solutions to your problems, you go find them for yourself and most importantly. . . . breathe :) Sometimes you are stronger than you might give yourself credit for. Stay lovely <3 Xoxo, B.

I Am.

Here I am on the eve before my 22nd birthday and I am filled with joy, love and contentment. I am listening to old India Arie albums. Her music has always had a way of feeding my soul when I'm starving, healing my heart when it aches and making my spirit soar higher than the moon and stars. I'm conversating with the angels through song who have been by my side through all my good and bad times, sending up thanks and gratitude to them. I'm bathing in nostalgia mixed with lavender and vanilla. I'm shedding another layer of myself. I'm having a private party celebrating how far I've come and the person I am now. The sacrifices I made, the roads I took, the mistakes I chose, the people I met, the love and loss that was exchanged on a daily basis has led to here and now. I am thankful and regret nothing. I am ready. I am loved. I am humbled. I am emotional. I am spiritual. But above all else, I am Human. Take me as I am <3 "I want to go where the mountains are high enough to echo my song. I want to go where the rivers run deep enough to drown my shame. I want to go where the stars shine bright enough to show me the way. I want to go where the wind calls my name. . ." -India Arie. As always, Xoxo, B.

Where The Journal Stopped and The Pictures Started.

Yay for mobile blogging! :)

So as I begin the giant new project I mentioned
in last nights posts I dug up my journal
which spanned from April 2009 to April 2010.
And after reaching the exact one year entry I
stopped writing in it. I think at that point
I got a camera and just started documenting
my lifes journey through photos.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then
hopefully I have enough to include fun anecdotes
and keep the story in order.

Flipping through those pictures from 2010 filled
me with an overwhelming sense of happiness.
Seeing all those faces from then and thinking
about where they are now; the different paths
we've taken, the relationships that have come
and gone and how some of us drifted apart.
This is what I live for, CHANGE. It's bittersweet
but it's what shapes into the beautiful creatures
we are.

I didn't start a new journal until January 2011
and I'm still writing in that one hoping to fill
all the pages by New Years Eve :)

Off to write some more!

Xoxo,
B.

Gotta Stretch That Dollar Bill.

Oh, golly!

With the seasons changing I always get nostalgic.
Memories flood my mind just as the rain floods
the streets tonight. It's like having an old
friend who you haven't seen in a long while
visit :)

Memories aside, I find myself in a position of
change, letting the artistic chameleon take
over once again.

I need to go back to basics. I need to pay
homage to the spirits of change for leading me
to who I am now. I need to do these things in
order to write with fresh eyes and different
life experiences. So I'll be offline (as if I ha
haven't been gone long already) for a bit
but I'll check in occasionally to see if the body
is still warm lol. Don't blame me, blame my
artistic A.D.D. :)

The new project I'll be diving in to will be a no holds
bar story of the last three years. My search for
my place in this world, my "home". I had to
dig up an old journal for help. I need closure,
forgiveness, a trip down memory lane.

I looked outside my window this morning and
the winds of change were blowing and with this
rain I can't help but think it's washing my
slate clean. Again. I'm humbled by the chances
I'm given. I'll be in touch again soon :)

As always,

Xoxo,
B.

STAY TUNED

G St: Chapter Three "How Great Thou Art" Pt 2.

Currently on deck: Part Two of Chapter Three!

Writing fiction has given me the opportunity to have fun with a story and decide how I want things to go. I can either have a happy or sad ending, play with plot twists and even change characters. Personally, I've grown to love the story I'm writing and really try to connect with the characters as much as I can by adding real experiences. I'm going to try and play more with all the characters in the future and maybe even write some separate stories, just bare with me lol.

In part two, the gang heads to an art event for a local artist with a talent for still life paintings. While everyone goes the separate ways, Alex and Freddy brave the art world together and meet a man named Alan Jay. Something sweet is in the air and looks like Freddy is taking a slice out of life!

Part Two:

Later that day, Patrick, Lila and I arrived at the boutique that Leo worked at and approached with caution. “Do all of us have to go in there? I mean after all, he’s your roommate, Freddy.” Lila said as we stared at the glass door that stood before us. “Do we have to go through this every time I bring you guys here?” I asked not making a move myself for fear of what awaited us on the other side. You see, this boutique was no ordinary boutique. It was like the Mount Olympus of all shoe boutiques. Some of Eastway’s most well groomed, high class, beautiful people worked there. They were like gods and goddesses prancing around in their designer clothes living a life of leisure surrounded by Italian leather ready to strike you down if you didn’t have any plastic made of platinum. Adored by the masses and intimidating to the mere mortals who worked in bookstores such as us. We looked at each other as if we weren’t going to come back out and proceeded to open the door with the fancy calligraphy on it that said “Welcome”.
As we walked in, the smell of Chanel No. 5 perfume was lingering in the air. We walked past the associates; the women with their flawless makeup and the men with their perfect alluring smiles we made our way to the front register. A woman by the name of Lucinda gave us a stunning smile to go along with her sparkling eyes.
“Hi, we’re here to see Leo.” I told her. She simply nodded and walked to the back room. Seconds later, Leo emerged with a sparkling presence just as everyone else who worked there. He looked different in this light. At home, as bubbly and loud as his personality is, he was usually quiet and to himself. I’d walk by his office at home sometimes and see him in deep contemplation, as if the rest of the world around him was still because he commanded it so. I couldn’t help but wonder if all he wanted was just peace and quiet in his own chaotic world.
“My loves!” he screamed in his perkiest voice, “I’m so glad you’re here. I’m about to go on lunch. Let me leave some things for Lucinda and we’ll be on our way.” Lucinda nodded quietly and I leaned into Leo, “Is she always this quiet?” I asked trying to maintain a smile without making it awkward for her. “She’s just shy.” He replied as we walked arm in arm out of there as quickly as possible. I try not to make it a habit of going in there very often.
Later that night the four of us arrived at downtown Eastway at a local art gallery famous for their chic events. We were gathered here tonight to celebrate the debut of a local artist who specialized in still life paintings. When we walked in we saw Alex standing in front of a painting of a vase of flowers, pink roses in particular, my favorite flower.
“Hey you” I said pulling him out of his train of thought. He was all dressed up in dress pants, polished shoes and a new shirt. I think this was the first time I had seen him in something other than an old t-shirt and jeans with holes in them. “What’s with the get up?” I asked.
“Can’t a guy put on some nice clothes without getting the third degree?” Looking almost bashful by my question, “Plus, Leo invited me and I had the night off so I figured the timing was perfect.” I circled him eye balling his outfit. I had sometimes thought what Alex would look like outside of The Bluestone. Upon closer inspection he had product in his hair and did I detect the subtle aroma of cologne? I didn’t even know he owned a single bottle of fragrance. I did a survey of the room and he seemed to have the attention of every potential bachelor in the building. He caught me staring at him and I jumped awkwardly.
“So I never took you for the artsy type, Freddy.” Alex said. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.” I told him, “I’m just full of surprises.”
“Oh, yes”, Alex said, “Because you’re SO complicated.” He let out a laugh. “As a matter of fact” I continued, “I’m the one who said that Leo should come out tonight.” I neglected to mention the fact that it was really the other way around.
“Well, let’s take a look around and see if we can’t get drunk enough to be look like we belong here.”
I followed him to a waiter with a tray of drinks and we proceeded to walk around for about half an hour looking at different still life paintings: Fruits in bowls, cocktails, pottery, vegetables and even various desserts which did nothing but make me hungry. “So what do you think about this one?” Alex asked as we stood in front of a painting of a three tiered cake with black and white frosting and white pearls cascading from top to bottom.
“Food art, never really understood it. I do, however, want to know what flavor that cake is I’m starving.” I said as I looked around for some form of solid that didn’t include olives in a martini glass.
“Red velvet.” A voice said behind us. Both Alex and I turned around and a man dressed from head to toe in a black suit, dark brunette hair and hazel eyes that I couldn’t help but notice the hints of gold around his pupil.
“Pardon me?” I asked looking at this mysterious stranger staring back at me not breaking eye contact. “The cake. It’s red velvet.”
“How can you tell?” I asked looking at the painting then back at him. “I don’t know, it just looks like it’d be, right? It could be that or the fact that I’m the artist who painted that. It’s actually my sister’s wedding cake. I snapped a shot of it before the wedding and painted it a couple months later. I think I’ll give it to them as their one year anniversary. Hi I’m Alan Jay or AJ for short.” He stuck out his hand and I met it with my own. He had a firm handshake, his skin didn’t feel rough at all and I noticed he didn’t have dirt underneath his fingernails which is a huge pet peeve of mine.
Just then Alex broke our short silence, “Hi, I’m Alex. You have some really nice paintings here.” Alan shifted his body in Alex’s direction. “Thanks”, he said, “I take a lot of pride in my work. Too bad I’m always a nervous wreck when I showcase new art. But people seem to be responding to it positively.” I caught him glancing in my direction before returning back to Alex and suddenly I felt a strange stir in my stomach. “Well, you guys enjoy yourselves and it was nice meeting the both of you.” He smiled at both of us before turning and walking away disappearing in the crowd.
“Well, that was awkward.” Alex whispered to me to pull me out of what I assume was inappropriate staring. “What are you talking about?” I asked looking at him quizzically. “Alan. He was totally into you.” I raised an eyebrow at him hoping that at some point he’d fill me in on this theory of his. “Alex, the man must’ve overheard us talking and decided to take it upon himself to answer a question we clearly didn’t know the answer to. He was here for five minutes. That’s hardly enough time to assume someone is flirting with someone else.”
“I don’t know about that, sir” he slurred a bit. “All I know is while you were looking around at everyone else like a child with A.D.D. he was looking at you.”
“You’re crazy and a tad drunk so why don’t we grab the gang and call it a night? I think I filled my social butterfly quota for the week.” We made our way to the door and I looked around to see where everyone was at. Lila found herself the main attraction in a circle of men. She looked stunning in her cocktail dress and black stilettos, “She won’t be cold tonight.” Alex whispered to me. I had to hold back my laughter but wasn’t doing a very good job at it. I spotted Patrick at the bar exchanging a phone number with a tall blonde with arms the size of SUV’s. Leo was entertaining a group of people with one of his many witty anecdotes. Something about buying the wrong night cream I think. And I was walking my slightly inebriated friend to his car. Everyone looked like they wanted to stay in their current positions of attention so I thought I’d quietly excuse myself undetected.
Before starting the car I noticed my phone was missing. “Oh, shoot. I think I left my phone inside. I’ll be right back. Stay here and out of trouble.” Alex rolled his eyes before reclining his seat back to fall asleep. “We sure do know how to party don’t we, Freddy?” I took the keys with me and locked the door. “Why’d you do that for?” he asked before closing his eyes. “For your own good.” I told him.
I wasn’t paying attention as I walked back into the gallery and slammed into someone walking out. “Oh my gosh I am so sorry!” I looked up and it was that guy Alan. “Hey” he said, “I saw you leave this and I wanted to catch you before you forgot it.”
“Thank you so much. You basically saved my life.” I said feeling that stir in my stomach again. Ok, sure, this guy was attractive if you were into that coiffed, suave, artsy type. He had a kind smile and looked like he worked out. But that was beside that point. “Sure, anytime.” he said not breaking eye contact again. I had to look down for a second because I felt my face becoming hot. He smiled at me and handed me my phone. “Have a good night.” He said and walked back inside. “Well, that is that.” I thought to myself and made my way back to the car.
The next morning over morning coffee Leo and I sat at the table discussing what I missed after I left. “-and we closed the gallery down then went for breakfast afterwards. Stimulating group of people. So where’d you run off to? Maybe with a certain gentleman perhaps?” I was sitting across from him wrapped up in a blanket dipping part of my doughnut in my coffee. “Actually, yes as a matter of fact I took Alex home.” His face went from excited to disappointment. “Alex? You guys didn’t. . . .” “No!” I yelled, “He had a little bit too much to drink and so I played designated driver.” His brow was furrowed and he looked at me as if he was trying to understand the situation.
“You look mad and confused” I said.
“Not mad just upset.”
“Why? I did exactly what I was supposed to. I got all dolled up and went out to something despite my better judgments.” I think I was the one who was feeling confused. “I was just hoping you’d meet someone there. Let’s face it, kid, you’re kind of in a dry spell.” It’s an age old dilemma. Just as you’re settling comfortably into your single status your close friends take it upon themselves to decide that you’re not happy and want to change it. Did I reek of loneliness? Desperation?
Before I could answer him the doorbell rang. When I opened the door there was no one there. I looked down and there was a box from “Sugar and Spice” bakery. I had a guilty pleasure for baked sweets and they had the best cakes in town. I took the box inside and put it on the table. There was a note attached to it:
“I hear you like desserts, but how do you feel about dinners? Give me a call sometime.” It was signed with two letters “A.J.” with his number attached. I opened the box and inside was a tiny red velvet cake with black and white frosting. “What’s that? Dessert? This early?” Leo asked peeking over my shoulder.
“I think its dinner.” I told him. Out of the corner of my eye I swear his face went back to excited after hearing this. We sat down and shared a slice of cake and I could feel that stir again rolling around my stomach. Was it nerves or excitement?


Stay tuned!

Xoxo.
B.

Letters You'll Never Read.

Hey Readers!

I've been out of town and I guess you can say out of touch. I was kind of down in the dumps as a result of a broken heart. I've had them before but this one had to be the most tremendous pain I had ever experienced
Remember the post "Brown Eyes"? While those words came from a place of love, I also didn't expect that those words would result in me telling this person how I felt. He was surprised by it but didn't say anything after that. I then met him under the cloak of night like we used to and we spent the night together. Afterwards, we sat on his porch talking about the old days and then he hugged me goodbye. I haven't heard from him since. I even wrote him a letter the next day about how I felt, but it was just something I'd tuck in my drawer and someday look back on. And maybe even show him if I felt the time was right. I talked it over with a friend who pointed out that I was merely a rebound every time he was in between relationships (he'd recently broken up with someone when we met up). I didn't want to believe it but it all started to come together. I was smacked in the face with five years of reality. DUH, B! Why don't you think he ever made a move??? I was destroyed.

While I was out of town I sipping on red wine, surrounded by a beautiful mountain scenery at sunset and I was re-hashing my hurt feelings and as a result, I wrote something that did not come from a place of love lol. I'll say it, I was mad as HELL haha. I found it to be very therapeutic though. This piece is really raw, unpolished and imperfect. I think that it perfectly describes the situation and how I was feeling:

"Letters You'll Never Read."

"Don't know why I thought you'd bring
the light into my life when you'd
always leave me in the dark.

You never said what was on your mind.
You just put cracks in my heart.

'What We're We Thinking' would play
on repeat. Alone at night in my bed
wondering when you'll see.

It was a painful reminder of you and
me. Your charming smile, your
enchanting ways blinded me foolishly.

But then I woke up and saw that I was
just a phase. A rebound fuck who
couldn't get enough. All these years,
you confirmed my greatest fears.

My emotions you played but one of
these days you will see how much better
you should have treated me.

Jilted and screaming I cried on the
kitchen floor. I threw books across the
room and tore up the letters I wrote.

The shreds just lied there silent and dead
I knew you'd never read them so what's the
point anyway?

I cut my hair but you won't care.
You took a part of me how's that
fair? Take the memories they're
no use to me. Take them all. . . ."


Xoxo.
B.

Still working on a new "G. St" and maybe a new original blog :)

<3


("What We're We Thinking" by Joss Stone is the mentioned song in this post. It had a different meaning to me then and it does now. I actually understand it and feel it this time.)

Dent In The Pillow.

At the beginning of this year I said I was going to express myself more and one way I've been doing that lately is through poetry. I'm constantly in my head conjuring up different words and people to write about. Using my emotions to rhyme with a few treasured memories has made them all the more special :) And I have another one for you!

This one was based on a dream I once had about being in love. When I have dreams like that I have this secret hope that I could just stay a while longer before my alarm goes off, but dreams are a cruel lover and eventually we have to wake up from them. I was caught in this starry-eyed trance when I wrote this. It was almost like this came directly from my dream and fell onto the page. I have this silly hopeless romantic theory that whoever I am dreaming about is the one I'll end up with and maybe somewhere they're doing the same thing :) lol. Silly, right? Well, in any case, here's something new for you guys to sink your teeth into. Enjoy!

"Dent In the Pillow"

Late last night
I had that dream
again of you and I.

We were laughing,
holding each other tight.

I can't believe that
you are mine.

And as the sun
came up to break the
dawn.

I opened up my
eyes and you
were gone.

I realized that
it was all just
a dream.

But there was
a dent in the
pillow next to
me.

Your smile was so
sweet. It ignited
an inferno inside
of me.

Your soft touch
was more than just
a rush.

Maybe something bigger
than the both of
us combined.

Reality can be so
bittersweet, but
when I close my
eyes and dream
everything in my
world is right.

I can fall and drift away
taken by your loving
sway and I'd never
wake again if I could
just stay.



Sweet Dreams, readers!

Xoxo,
B.

Brown Eyes.

Hey readers!

I've been a little under the weather since the weekend which has left me with no motivation to write anything. But! While at home one night with just a humidifier, good music from the past and my emotions over the past couple of days I was able to finish a piece that I been working on since early Spring. It began with just words in my head about someone who I cared deeply for for such a long time. I was over the moon for this person. He had my mind, body and soul and all I wanted from him was these things in return, but I don't think that was the case. A big part of me believed he did for the longest time, maybe he was just afraid to reciprocate my feelings. He gave me emotions that I haven't felt for anyone to this day. I guess you could say that I loved him. He was my first for a lot of things and I suppose that's why I fell so hard. Well, it's been five years since we met and maybe a year since we've spoken last. I saw him a couple months ago at a bar with someone else I knew and he had his arm around him. Needless to say, those feelings I thought I had risen above sucked me back in again. I was crushed at the sight of him with someone else. I suddenly felt like that sixteen year old all over again wanting to believe that maybe he'd somehow want me the way I wanted him.

When I began writing this poem I was heartbroken, but then it started to bask in the memories of our past. They felt good to feel again and then just like that, it transformed into a goodbye letter to him of some sort. Full of love in my heart and respect for the time we had been given I ended it thanking the heavens for blessing me with love. And so, I give you a poem not full of heartache, because to me, that would mean I resented him. I don't. I thank him for all the beautiful feelings he gave me. A big part of me will always love him, but not want him like I used to.

"Brown Eyes"

Brown eyes, you never saw the signs.
I have tried so many times for you to see me standing right in front of you.
You were a gypsy soul always on the go while I sat and waited for you.
Brown eyes, sometimes I get lost inside the memories. They're all that's left
of me.
I can still feel that Summer air, me running my fingers through your hair. Look
at me like you did before while holding me up against your red car door.
Making plans to run away under moon beams. Stuck in a love sick fantasy where nothing
is as it seems.
Kiss me like when we first met. A peck on the lips so I wouldn't forget.
My midnight rendezvous, fogging up a window or two. Taking my heart along with you.
Lying beside you while you would look away, but I could stay with you every day.
You brought me butterflies. You brought me bliss. There is nothing I want more than
this.

When I look back at my life gone by. What I remember most are those brown eyes <3

Xoxo.
B.

G St: Chapter Three "How Great Thou Art" Part One.

Fast asleep one night I awoke suddenly to the smell of a familiar scent. My window was slightly open and I could smell the morning dew fill the room with a refreshing coolness. I pulled the blankets off of me and walked to the window to open it a bit more. Leo had planted honeysuckle near my bedroom window about a year ago and I took a deep breath inhaling the beautiful aroma. It was official, spring had arrived in Eastway.
After a long and frosty winter things were finally thawing out. This was my favorite time of year. There was something about spring that just made the whole city a little bit happier. Maybe it was all the warm beautiful weather or maybe it was how everything came back to life after being dead for an entire season, but this was always a magical time of year.
I went back to bed for a few hours after a few more deep breaths thinking it was a good idea to hit the flower mart early before work. Around this time I like to have flowers in the house all season and I had to get down there before all the early birds picked over them leaving me with nothing but the flowers with broken stems and the petals on only half.
I managed to get bouquet of daisies and lilies and had to give the stink eye to a middle aged woman who looked like she was prepared to fight for them. I set them on the kitchen counter and put a pot of coffee to brew. Leo emerged from his room at the smell of caffeine. The first words out of his mouth were, “Good morning, beautiful.” wrapping his robe tighter around his body. “Good morning, Leo.” I said arranging the flowers to my liking.
“I was speaking to the flowers, but yes, you are looking quite dapper yourself this morning as well.” He said letting out a small laugh, “Oh, you and your jokes.” I said pouring two cups of coffee.
“What’s the occasion?” He asked blowing into his mug, “it’s not your birthday or mine, nobody we know has died and you’re not dating anyone so I know they’re not anniversary flowers, what gives?” I placed the vase one the window sill above the sink so that the morning light that was slowly growing stronger as we sipped our coffee hit them directly. “I just like flowers in the house when it’s spring.” I told him staring happily at the vase. I could feel Leo’s eyes look at me with curiosity. “This is one of your ‘Nostalgic Freddy’ things I don’t get isn’t it.” I sat down at the table with him and sipped on my coffee. “They just make everything seem. . . . alive.” He didn’t ask any more questions after that. I think on some level he knew what I was talking about. We smiled at each other toasting with our mugs together.
“Hey! What are you doing tonight?” he asked pouring himself a second mug. “I thought I’d stay in and catch up on some reading.” I told him thinking it’d be nice to spend an evening in with a nice book. “I knew working in that bookstore would do nothing positive for your social life.” Leo shook his head as he poured two scoops of sugar and a splash of cream into his cup. “Yes”, I said, “because a mind is terrible thing to broaden and expand.”
“And a social calendar is a terrible thing to watch fly by right before your eyes. Do you really want to end up like last season’s argyle socks? Forgotten and left behind?” Leo and fashion went hand in hand like a crack addict and his pipe or in this case, pleated pants and square toed leather shoes.
I once flipped through one of his magazines out of curiosity and complained more about how pale the models were than how cute I thought the pea coat would be in black instead of grey. The rules of fashion didn’t apply to me. The only rule I ever followed was match your belt with your shoes. Everything else was free game, in season or not. “Seriously, Leo, a little less Men’s Vogue and maybe a little more Hemingway.” I said. “Well, maybe you can help me ‘broaden and expand’ my horizons and accompany me to an art event happening tonight. We’ll make it a group outing! Just me, you, Patrick and Lila exploring the art world! What do you say?”
I contemplated the idea of being in a building with a bunch of art buffs that would be under the impression that I would know anything about a painting and the artist’s meaning behind it. Before I could answer Leo was already scribbling on a piece of paper. “Here, come by my work around this time today and we’ll hash out the details then. It’ll do you some good to get out and be around people. You’re looking pale, kiddo.” He said giving me an encouraging pat on the shoulder. “Yes, because I like being dragged to places against my will.” I said watching him walk away from the table. “And yet, I don’t hear you arguing against it!” he yelled from his room closing the door behind him. I hate when he does that.

Ever After.

With a new season come new changes, but sometimes you have to dig into the past in order to make strides to your future.
I've accepted that my life will always be changing and that I will never get comfortable enough to enjoy it before another wave of change comes, but I’ve learned to embrace change. I was in a new house with two roommates who had already made plans to move out. I could afford to live by myself in this two bedroom apartment. Maybe I’d make one a nice meditation room. But in order to maintain my lifestyle of excessive spending without a budget I would need to get a new roommate. Enter my friend Renee B.
Renee was a short blonde who had the heart of a woman and the brain of a man. With a mouth like a sailor and a gung-hoe attitude towards life she seemed to be a perfect roommate candidate. Along with our friend Taylor, another blonde with a passion for fashion as well as skulls and blood, together we created a trio that shared a love for late nights and a hatred for selling Clarisonics. Being with them was like living in my late teens all over again. It was their confidence that inspired me and our mutual non-judgmental, supportive understanding of each other that kept us together.
The one subject that always came up between us: relationships. We could spend an entire day at work talking about how Taylor and Todd were “lobsters” or how being scared to let someone in makes it difficult to trust them and even how there is someone out there for everyone. We all had a different concept of “Happily Ever After”. Taylor had moved back into town leaving her long time boyfriend in a long distance relationship. She knew in her heart that they were meant to be and that someday they’d be together again. Renee was in an up and down undefined relationship with an old flame. They’re past extended with years in the sands of time and she wondered if their wounded past could make for a beautiful future. As for me, I was going on my second year of being single. As a self proclaimed “forever single guy” my dream was to follow in the likes of all the beautiful romantics who came before me: Carrie Bradshaw, Marilyn Monroe, and to be successful at life as well as in love. I was learning to deal with the ghosts of the ones that got away. I had talked to most of them in person and wrote letters of all the things that I’ve wanted to say to the ones that I had lost touch with. Simple words on paper, but powerful blows to the ghosts of men that I kept summoning to occupy the loneliness I often felt. It was just what I needed to explain my side of the story; even if that meant sometimes putting holes through the paper from scribbling too hard.
We all come from different backgrounds of love, but they are all filled with the same fulfillment, losses, tears of both joy and sadness and the ultimate pursuit of happiness. I look at couples all the time. They come in different shapes, colors and sizes. I believe in couples and what they can accomplish if they learn how to believe in each other. It’s the relationships that last a week, a day, or an hour that make me wonder: are most people just looking for someone to solve their problems? Are they looking for someone who can explain to them why they feel so broken? Relationships are not therapy sessions, relationships are special and one of a kind that require you to love yourself enough to be open with another person and they should be treated as such. I can only sum it up best with this quote from the lovely and talented Rupaul: “If you don’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love someone else?” Can I get an Amen? New friends can make you see the world a bit differently even how we see “Happily Ever After”. Maybe Renee, Taylor and I didn’t just get the same job, maybe we found each other to help us understand the difference between a relationship and a fantasy, because like most fantasies, you always wake up just before the bottom drops and when it comes to relationships it’s who’s there at the bottom waiting for you to catch you when you fall.
I’ve come to realize that I’m always going to be working up a new mountain every time I finish climbing another. As exhausting as it is sometimes to be working towards a new goal for personal growth, I am truly humbled by the end of it. But with friends like mine, laughter is always the best medicine to cure even the most painful of heartaches.

Xoxo,
B.

Gypsy.

Yes!
I finally figured out how to post on my phone after what seems like a decade of messing around with it all day.

A lot of wonderful and new things have happened. Here I sit in a new apartment that I'm sharing with a couple of girlfirends. I traded in my life of a four bedroom house with my own bathroom to a two bedroom with limited sink space. And yet, I wouldn't trade it for anything. As I packed up my life and put what little boxes I had in my car I couldn't help but be reminded of my childhood moving from house to house wondering just how long we were going to stay before having to leave again. I felt like that kid all over again as I moved into the apartment setting my boxes down against a wall.

I am a gypsy. Moving to the next destination. Traveling lightly and listening for directions from the wind. But this gypsy has been behind in his posting!

I have been inspired by all the beautiful weather of spring and I've poured all that creativity into a new "G St" post! I'm about three pages in and I'm spending every spare moment working on it.

We are in a beautiful day in age despite all the ugliness we encounter throughout our everyday lives. Before I fall asleep at night I like to send up positive energy and thanks to the universa and I think that's what helps me greet the morning with an open heart and love

Stay tuned for all the great things to come! :)

Xoxo.
B.

There's a Rainbow Coming in Just A Little While.

Most stories start at the beginning and this one isn’t any different. This story does start at the beginning; my death. Death is usually a gloomy subject and associated with bitter endings, but this death wasn’t a physically one but just another layer of myself that passed away and in it I found a new life, which led to a rebirth.

            The panic disorder that I had been living with had one day magically lifted from my shoulders and I was once again free from the shackles that restrained me. I had forgiven and forgotten the incident with my mother that had set that chain of reaction off, but I had noticed that there were other issues that were suddenly coming to the surface that I felt that I had to deal with. It felt like something in me died. I sank into a depression that even all the glitter in the world couldn’t pull me out of. When I wasn’t at my job I spent my time locked in my room lying in bed. On my day offs I would spend the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep staring out the window watching the sky change colors as the hours passed by. I felt like I had been split into three people: “The Heart”, he was the one that I felt like on the inside, feeling as if I was always on the verge of breaking down to cry and who hid underneath the blankets wanting to disappear from the world, “The Brain”, was the one that I kept for the public to keep up with appearances on the outside. He made sure that his smile was bright and his head held high so not to have anyone become suspicious of the emotional war that was raging inside him, and finally, there was “The Middleman” who silently watched all this happen from the inside out. He was the one who I connected with the most. My body felt like an empty vessel and he kept the other two balanced, having them not overlap the other. It was almost like he was the real me while the real me had taken a wrong turn and got lost somewhere.

            As the weeks turned to months I had given up. I accepted that all this emotional and mental turmoil was going to be my life from now on and I needed to stop trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel and start following suit. The three Ben’s seemed to be taking care of me just fine. It wasn’t the perfect life, but it was the only one I knew existed. It was like all the colors in the world faded to black and I was left standing alone in the dark. The person I thought I knew was now gone.

            My friend Kim came into my job one night and she asked me if everything was OK with me. I lied and said I was. The last thing I needed was to verbally vomit all over her about what I was feeling on a day to day basis. All she had to say was, “You just seem . . . . . sad.” As I watched her eyes well up with tears it hit me that my mask was starting to break at the cracks and now people could see me for what I was. It was time that the three Ben’s and I figured this whole thing out, but little did I know, it was going to get worse before it got better.

            Wednesday night was typically a night for margaritas with friends and listening to people sing bad karaoke. But I was there to nurse my aching heart. I had been in touch with an old crush the night before and after spending some time with him I quickly realized that he had his goals set and I wasn’t one of them. Which, is ok, I’m adult enough to accept something I can’t change, but doesn’t mean I couldn’t get a little hurt feelings in the process. I’m only human.

            Two patron margaritas and one long island iced tea later, I found myself at a house with my friends. In my drunken haze there’s that small window in which my emotions will take possession of my body and I’ll lose control of what I say after. It’s like a blackout except I get to watch what happens from somewhere else inside my mind. I think this is where The Heart took full control because I took a seat right next to The Middleman and he and I watched as the events that happened unfolded right before us. No more smiling, no more faking it, this was ending and alcohol wasn’t quenching my thirst. I wanted blood.

            After a few failed attempts at calling my crush I ended up calling my sister which resulted in a screaming match between us. Not really one of my finest moments, but sometimes being honest can get pretty ugly. I can still feel the dirt between my fingers as I sat on the ground resting on my knees yelling into my phone. I told her all the horrible things I had been feeling, I made sure that the proper blame was placed on the correct people and I was done hearing all the gossip and strife surrounding me on a daily basis. Naturally, she had some things to say herself. Too bad I didn’t hear them because I ended up throwing my phone in the street, watching it break apart.

            The next morning, running on three hours of sleep, hung over with blood shot eyes to match, I walked into work receiving a text message from my mother who attempted to chew me out for and my older sister “running our mouths”. It was The Brains turn in the ring. Keeping my class and dignity I told her exactly how I felt trying to bring to her attention just how far her “courageous attitude” had gotten her, but like many times before it went in one ear and out the other. For the first time I could see through her tough exterior. She was trying to intimidate me just like she always did all my life but it didn’t work this time. I expressed honestly my emotions without losing my cool. Something I couldn’t say for her. Alas, what’s done is done. We drew our lines in the sand and this time I wasn’t looking back.

            Later that night after what seemed like the day that wouldn’t end I fell into bed happy to receive some much needed rest. I had a night terror that night. I had a history of those in the past and this one started out like they always did: A shadow figure would come to me and try to hold me down choking the life out of me in the process. The figure followed through with its routine accept this time after pushing it off me I usually woke up, but after doing so I remained in its realm motionless waiting in fear for what would happen next. Looking taken off guard that I had displayed the slightest bit of bravery it threw itself on my legs almost in a last attempt to place its presence of fear back into my life. But I simply tossed it to the side and woke up with a gasp, my heart almost pounding out of my chest. That moment must’ve lasted seconds but it felt like forever.

            I eventually fell back to sleep and woke up the next morning feeling different. It was like I had woken up from a bad dream and maybe I did, but there was something missing, The Three Ben’s. I couldn’t feel their presence anymore and I suddenly felt more connected with myself. I pulled open my curtains to find a beautiful sunny day outside. The sunshine poured into my room brightening up every corner. I couldn’t help but think that the rain that was my depression had passed and now there was nothing but light on my path. Colors seemed more vibrant, I was happy to be around people and I’m pretty sure a smile found its way to my face. I was happy again, actually happy. I could feel something in my veins flowing freely in my blood. It tickled every nerve ending as it traveled through my body. Maybe all I really needed was to stand up to the one person who I once feared and with that lied my freedom.

            A friend once wrote to me that when she feels like giving up she tells herself: There’s a rainbow coming in just a little while. And maybe, just maybe mine had found its way back to my sky. 

Xoxo.

B. 

Rebirth.

In the words of one Ms. Florence from "Florence and The Machine": The dog days are over!

Yes! It's true! I was stuck in a horrible rut feeling very uninspired and very unattached to the things that I was posting and for that I apologize. It's important for me to impart some emotional attachment with my work and I was finding it difficult to do so when I could barely feel my emotions. But the day is new and so am I! :) The rain has stopped pouring and I can finally feel the sun again.

I'm currently working on a new blog as well as brainstorming a new "G. St." If I can refrain from being distracted with my short attention span and my need to be a social butterfly then hopefully I will have something new posted by next week.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day which is a day set aside just for love. I know that we should always love in our everyday live's, but it's also the only time that the world is covered in hearts, pink and ribbon :) Oh the ecstasy! I hope you surround yourself with the ones you love and vice versa this year and be sure to spread lots of love! <3 Lets give Cupid a run for his money! lol.

Always with love,
B.

P.S. Keep an eye out for my new blog post "There's A Rainbow Coming In Just A Little While".

SEE YOU IN FEBRUARY.

Hey Reader's!

I'm going to be taking some time off from posting to go on a journey within my life to find some inspiration. I'll be offline the rest of the month and some in February. Hopefully, I can come back with some new, fresh posts that will surely entertain and delight you ^_^ In the meantime, feel free to go back through some old posts!

And just in case I don't get to say it: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! <3

Xoxo.
B.

G St: Chapter Two "Night at The Bluestone"

Later that night Leo, Patrick, Lila and I all gathered at The Bluestone for post birthday drinks. The Bluestone was a local gay bar that catered to those looking to unwind in a less base filled atmosphere. Picture “Cheers” except no one shouts your name when you walk in. We had discovered The Bluestone one night while walking in downtown Eastway. We had somehow taken a wrong turn from this hole in the wall restaurant and ended up at the doorstep of a bar with steps that led down to a door with a neon sign that read: “The Bluestone Lounge” Being the naturally curious group we were we entered in slowly and discovered a room full of men and women sipping cocktails in soft lighting. “Well, this doesn’t look so bad.” Leo said as he took a look around. And just like that, we had found our new favorite bar. “I like this way better than that sports bar we were going to,” chimed in Patrick. “Yeah, why were we going there in the first place?” Lila asked as she flagged down the waitress. “Well,” I said, “They didn’t card me and dollar beer drafts on Thursdays.” The three of them nodded in unison and we proceeded to toast to the new bar we had discovered. Oh, how little things have changed.

            We walked in and Alex was behind the bar and seemed overjoyed that we had showed up. Alex Franco was the regular bartender who we had got to know as we started becoming regulars ourselves there. We piled into the nearest booth and he came out from behind the bar walking towards us looking like his head was about to explode. “Oh, my gosh! I’m so glad to see you guys! Finally, people who I don’t want to strangle.”

            “Oh, Alex, you are such a charmer.” Leo teased.

“You’d understand if you knew who I had to serve at the bar.” Alex’s eyes getting huge and irritated.

            “Whoa, killer, calm down, who’s at the bar?” Patrick asked. We all leaned out of the booth a bit to peek at the bar. There sitting at a bar stool with a couple friends was a tall, dark, handsome man with a few friends laughing. He had a devilish smile that showed sparkling white teeth. His eyes were smoldering and alluring. He had “bad boy” written all over him and he made sure that the rest of the bar knew it.

            “Who is that?” Lila asked just as intrigued as the rest of us were. Alex took a deep breath and let out a sigh, “That is Damian Tamez. We went to school together. A total rebel-without-a-cause type; his family owns an art gallery uptown, which, he currently works at. I guess you could say we’re both in the family businesses.” He turned to in the direction of the bar and stared at something on the shelf. I turned in the same direction and saw it was a picture of a man and woman standing in front of The Bluestone Lounge. “Are those your parent’s?” I asked.

            Alex got quiet for a moment before changing the subject, “So what’ll it be tonight, guys? Let me guess, run and coke for Patrick, margarita for Lila, white wine for Leo and,” he turned to me, “Water for you? Oh, wait; somebody had a birthday party last night, didn’t they?”

            “Yes,” I smiled, “And I’m hurt and offended that you didn’t come by!”

            “Hey, hey, hey, a bar doesn’t watch itself. Somebody’s got to pour drinks for all these lovely people.” He said in defense. “No excuse,” I told him, “Eastway can go sober for one night. Besides, you spend so much time here that I almost forget what you look like sometimes.” I joked. He laughed and said, “So what’ll it be Mr. Twenty-One? What will be your first legal drink here at The Bluestone Lounge?” I paused to think about this, everyone leaning in a bit waiting for my answer, and then it hit me. “I’ll have a Long Island Ice Tea, please.”

            “Good choice.” Praised Leo; “Long Islands are the new Appletini’s.” He nodded proudly and I didn’t even question if that made sense or not. “Alright, Long Island it is. I’ll be right back with those drinks for you guys.” Alex walked away and I sifted through the bowl of peanuts looking for the cashews.

            We stayed late before our little group began breaking up and headed home. I was the last one to leave. The bar was quiet with only the sounds from the conversation of a few bar stragglers sipping slowly on their last drink of the evening. There was something about The Bluestone that felt comfortable late at night. The city was asleep with the exception of the nocturnal beings that came out. I was born one of those creatures, I can remember lying on the roof of my house back home looking for Orion’s Belt. I used to think I’d be granted three wishes if I tried really hard. I moved to a window seat and looked up at the night sky. Living in the city, you can’t see the stars, but the light of the moon always seems to shine brighter than all the streetlights. In the winter, there would be a ring around the moon. It looked like a halo but I like to look at it like an eye. I thought maybe that somewhere up there in the night sky there was someone looking down on me making sure I stayed out of trouble.

            I looked towards the bar and saw Alex cleaning up. His body moved with exhaustion and rubbed his eyes before running his hands over his head. I heard him let out a big sigh before getting back to work. Those few seconds were probably the only break he’s had all day. I walked over to him as he was putting the stools on the bar. “Need a hand?” I asked.

            “That’d be great actually.” He said. I started on one side of the bar while he started on the other and we met in the middle. “Well, let’s lock her up!” Alex said walking me out and locking the door behind him.

“I’ll walk you home.”

“You don’t have to do that.” I said.

“One is the loneliest number, you know. These streets can be awfully scary for a guy by himself.”

I laughed, “When have you ever known me to be scared of a walk home?”

“Oh, just every time a guy has offered to walk you home. Your face turns a pale white before you compose yourself and tell them no.” I pondered this. Sure, I don’t have the best social skills when it came to men, but I didn’t know I made it quite so obvious. We continued walking up the street when I finally opened my big mouth. “You’re one to talk, Lex, when was the last time any of us have seen you out with a special someone?” I asked hoping I disguised my cattiness well enough.

“There is someone or was.” He said softly. This came as a shock to me. For all I knew, Alex ate, slept and breathed The Bluestone. “We met through some friends and hit it off right away. We went on a couple of dates and everything seemed to be going good until he started to become jealous. I can’t deal with that kind of stuff so we just ended it. We dated for about four months or so.”

I felt like a total jerk. Here I am opening up old wounds. I should really learn how to keep my mouth shut sometimes. “Not to pry, but why didn’t you tell us?” I asked, so much for keeping my mouth shut. “I’m not really a touchy-feely kind of guy. People get together and people break up. It’s all part of the circle of life.” He said. “How ‘Lion King’ of you.” I joked.

“Hey, before I forget, I have something for you.” Alex said reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a tiny black box with a red ribbon tied around it. I looked at it with curiosity because Alex was never known to give gifts.

“So are you going to have a staring contest with it or are you going to open it?” he asked. I untied the ribbon delicately and opened it up slowly as if something was going to jump out at me. Inside was a silver pin in the shape of a four leaf clover. “Alex, thank you! It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!”

“Well, I know you like to wear little accessories so I thought I’d get you something you could wear with anything. I saw it in a store window, it just looked like you.” He said. “I applaud your fashion instincts.” I said pinning it to my shirt, catching the moonlight in its reflection. “I feel lucky already.” I said catching a glimpse of a smile on his face. “This looks like your stop.” He said pointing to the street sign that said: “G St.”

“What about you?” I asked, “You live in the opposite direction. Who’s going to make sure that you get home safe?” “I’ll be fine” he reassured me, “When have you ever known me to be scared of a walk home?” Then he turned around and started his journey back the other direction. I stood there and watching him before he disappeared in the shadows. 

Dear Journal . . .

Growing up I always had a journal with me. I can remember being drawn to any empty book and wanting to fill it with my hopes, my dreams, my every thought, my everything. I found comfort in my literary shelter far away from the stifling environment that I lived in. I was free. Even after every journal I had was violated by eyes that didn't have business reading it. When that happened I would simply stop writing in it and eventually get a new one.

Last night I was flipping through an old journal I had when I was eighteen. It was so weird, reading every word that I had placed on the the pages was like I was back in those places where I had written them. I was suddenly the barely legal adult navigating the world of partying, bad decisions and fear of letting someone love him back. It wasn't the things that passed me by that brought tears to my eyes as I read each entry, it was the things that I stopped myself from doing that did it. I bit my tongue when I should have spoken my mind, I held on to those who didn't care for me the way I cared for them when I should have let them go, I let those who cared for me slip away and using the same excuses to justify my own loneliness.

April 27th 2010 a.k.a exactly one year after I had started that journal. This was the last entry:

As the clock strikes 1AM today marks the one year anniversary of getting this journal. My mind is blown by all the entries in here. I am one complicated person. So much has happened since the last entry so I'm going to try and catch up. Starting with my weekend. I recently bought a camera so I thought I'd test it out at a party. I took so many pictures that night. Then there was Matt. We talked at the T-ball game and we all decided to get together that night. As the shots were poured and we all slowly got wasted, the sexual tension was everywhere. We eventually kissed and end up crashing there and cuddling the next morning. We kiss the next night again to celebrate his last night in Clovis. It was nice actually getting some male attention. Too bad he left yesterday, who know's what could have happened. He looked at me like I haven't seen in a long time. The butterflies were out and about and now they left to Alaska. Remind me to tell you about MLC. It just keeps getting better.

That was the last entry in that journal and the last time I ever wrote in a journal again. Then began my dark period, but we all know about that. Then in January of 2011 I bought a new journal. Here is the very first entry from it:

January 17th, 2011:

It wouldn't be a new year without a new journal to chronicle every detail of it. Towards the end of last year I felt like I was on the cusp of something great and now I'm ready to tackle this year head on. I've made a few changes already. Starting with my decision to stop drinking, not partying a lot, staying home more and immersing myself more in my work. I've started a new website for my blog and posted my first YouTube video. I feel really good about the work I'm doing and I plan to expand my tiny empire. From my blog and beyond. Welcome to 2011: My Year.

And it was. 2010/2011 were the happiest times of my life. I did a little comparison of both journals and while they are written by the same person, they are not. My previous journal was written by a child lost, scared, alone and vulnerable. He knew nothing of himself or the world he lived in. He wrote about a nightmare that he wanted to wake up from but couldn't. The second journal is currently being written by me. The person I am at the moment, because I am a person of change. I am an adult now. I am living and I am loving. I am living a life that humbles me with it's beauty and I am loving every minute of it. It's become my career choice to grow in the wisdom that I've come across based on my past and accept it for what it was. No longer do I bite my tongue, but shout from the rooftops whatever I may be feeling. I've learned that we get nowhere when we don't embrace our every emotion. The ones who I carried deep feelings for when they didn't feel the same, those feelings are being laid to rest and I feel lighter from it. I now hold the ones who love me truly tighter than I ever thought I could and no longer do I make excuses. As an adult, we have to take responsibility for our actions good or bad.

So maybe I didn't go back to school to become a nurse or fall in love, but I did do a lot things that that eighteen/nineteen year old didn't think would happen: I quit pizza hut, I moved out on my own and made a life that I'm completely happy with with my own two hands.

I guess you could say that this is all a long winded way of saying that I need to stop being so hard on myself when I think I'm not moving forward in life. I need to give myself some credit every now and then because what I saw in black and white has turned into all kinds of beautiful shades of color <3

Xoxo.
B.

Dedicated to eighteen-year-old Ben,

If only you knew back then what you know now. But then what fun would've it been? ^_^