My Weekend Wrap Up: Welcome To The Jungle.

I've been feeling quite social lately, which, probably explains why I decided to go out this past weekend and spend time with the friends that I've been neglecting. It was quite the eventful weekend. It didn't compare to the ones we used to have back in the day because instead of letting the alcohol be my guide, I was taken by the hand by something new and something old.

The night began at Joy and Chris's new apartment. The plan was simple: we all didn't have anything to do the next morning so why not toast the night away with friends. It felt nice being around the people who felt like my home away from home, away from home. No one brought up the fact that they hadn't seen my in a long time, which, was a shock. I had gotten so used to being put on guilt trips about it that I had almost gotten used to being isolated from them. But I'm human and we need other human interactions to feel normal. I actually had a great time. Joy and I teamed up for a round of beer pong that lasted longer than any round should only because we kept stopping to plot our win than actually playing. Needless to say, we got our ass's handed to us by the guys, but gave it a classy effort that only Joy and I could provide. I had two cocktails, one made by my friend Maritza a.k.a. "Ritz" which had the perfect balance of lime vodka and soda. What made it even more bad ass was that it was stirred and not shaken by a knife. The next one was made by my friend Ashley and it was made tad stronger than I preferred being more actual liquor than soda. Knowing that if I had a third nothing good would come from it I just stuck to beer for the rest of the night. I was proud of myself in a way. The old Ben would have kept grabbing drinks stronger than the next, but I put my cup down. I actually put my cup down. 

        As the night wound down I noticed I was grabbing the hand of someone familiar, Mr. V. There was no doubt about it there was definitely an emotional tie there that I needed to acknowledge. I felt bad for the way I had treated him during our history together. So I pulled him aside and apologized. He said I didn't have to, but I reminded him that I needed to. When everyone started heading home we ended up outside of the apartment where I proceeded to talk his ear off about everything under the sun and moon. Our bodies were entangled with each other against the apartment building. It felt nice feeling the embrace of another warm body against mine. It made me feel like I could put my defenses down for once and allow myself to check out of my ever so tiring life of constant battling. One thing I couldn't stop doing was staring at the moon. Something about that lovely silver orb had my attention the entire time we were talking. I felt like in some weird cosmic way it was guiding my actions. It sounds crazy, but if the moon controls the tide and the human body is 70% water, why not, right? I didn't know what kind of domino effect would come from my actions that night but I wasn't going to worry about it. I am a flower child so I was going to let nature decide where were supposed to go from there and I was going to let the light of the moon lead the way.

        If only the next morning was as pleasant as the night before. I had my nephews birthday party to attend as well as set up for. I woke up in a panic because I woke up late past the time I was supposed to meet everyone to set up. I jumped out of bed only to feel exhaustion and dehydration hit my body. I felt like someone had thrown me in front of a bus. I scrambled madly looking for aspirin, water, my phone, turning on the shower, tearing off my clothes from the night before, finding something to wear to the party, sunscreen and somewhere in between all that I was texting everyone from my sister to friends. I managed to be ready in half an hour with enough time to grab a protein shake on the way out. Showing up with enough time to finish setting up we were ready to celebrate part two of my nephew's birthday. I didn't know any other one-year-old who had two pinata's, three cakes and seventy-five cupcakes at their party, but then again, I never had a nephew either so maybe there really was a first time for everything. He had a jungle theme which suited him perfectly seeing how we call him our "little monkey". I did my best to help out and video taped the party catching every party game and yes, even the cake fight. To end the day, I went around and tried to get all the guests give a cute birthday message. Too bad that it kind of flopped seeing how barely anyone wanted to participate. But ill will feelings aside, we all had a great day. A long, exhausting, fun day. You only turn one once, right? Four hours of loud, sugar laced kids was more than enough for one day for me. When my sister puts her mind to something an even bigger final product will manifest from it. I voted next year we take him to McDonalds . . . through the drive-thru. 

All in all, another successful weekend. I'm happy :)

Xoxo.

B.

My Weekend Wrap Up: Garage Sales and The People Who Love Them.

I'm going to miss these care free Summer afternoons where nothing takes place but the sun's warm rays upon your skin and Kylie Minogue playing in the background. Occasionally, some yard work will get done, but nothing satisfies me more than all this warm weather. Now on with the weekend wrap up!

This weekend was full of personal self discovery, 7am garage sales and parties that I was happy to not be a part of.

The first Friday of mine that I didn't have to pull a split at work was supposed to be epic. I had no idea what I wanted to do but I was excited for the possibilities. I had been invited to my friend Joy's house to get "chocolate wasted" with a bunch of friends of mine as soon as everyone got off. While the idea of consuming unnecessary amounts of chocolate and sugar was tempting, instead I was glued to Wikipedia researching body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I was really blown away by all the information and actually became overwhelmed emotionally by it. I really can't go into anymore detail on that other than I could barely finish the glass of wine I had poured for myself. I cleaned my bathroom to clear my head, got ready for bed and fell asleep around midnight. I had a long day ahead of me which would start at six in the morning.

I can't remember the last time I had woken up at six in the morning. I think I was in Elementary only to watch cartoons. Oh, how I long for those days again . . . But not this time. I had to drag myself out from the comforts of my comforter, into a quick shower to meet my sister. She had somehow hustled me into going with her to garage sales all over town after she got off work.With a protein shake and toast in my hand I was out the door by seven. We agreed to meet at her in-laws where the entire family plus my nephew were gathering. She had already made a list of places she wanted to go which actually turned into a totally different plan hitting different addresses in between the addresses she originally had planned! Try saying THAT three times fast. Now I know that Clovis isn't really that big of a city, but we managed to lose our way a couple of times having to turn around in random Culs de Sac neighborhoods (which is actually the plural term for Cul de Sac. Inside joke.) I managed to find two journals for four dollars, a steal, right? We must have hit a dozen homes one after the other all trying to get rid of things they no longer had use for. I didn't expect all of them to be perfect, but you really have to question the thought process people put into them when they are selling seat belts. Actual seat belts, you know, the ones the use in cars. I was shocked too. I must say, my favorite part of the entire day had to be when we made a pit stop at my house on the way to another location. My sister and I were in my room when I decided to show her all the things I had been collecting for my nephew since before he was born: letters, pictures, mementos and other things that incorporated both sides of his family. All these things were bundled up in a wooden chest that I planned on giving him later on in life. One of the things I put in there was a hat that my grandpa had given me when I was a baby. It was a blue cap that said "100% Boy" on it. I was holding my nephew when I took it out and my sister put it on him. He usually doesn't like hats and often pulls them off, but this one he seemed to like. She wasn't aware that I had still kept it after all these years and at that moment her eyes began filling up with tears. She was one of the closest to our grandpa and I think seeing something that he had given me on her son kind of made it like he was there witnessing the moment with us.

We eventually finished around two in the afternoon and ended the day by eating red velvet cake that Felicia had made. It was the sweet ending to our crazy and chaotic morning. By the time I got home I had enough strength to unlock my front door and crash into bed where I slept for two hours before waking up drenched in sweat. One of the disadvantages to Summer naps. I stayed up long enough to eat and play catch up with my roommates to see how their day went. I was envious to find out they had a luxuriously lazy day. But it was the first time I had spent an entire day with my sister since I moved out. Our lives and schedules clashed so we don't get to spend as much time as we'd like to with each other. It was nice having a day to reconnect again though. It's weird, for the first I realized that my sisters and I had our own separate lives full of different people, jobs and views on the world, but one thing we could always count on was each other.

As for the party that I didn't attend, it was at my friend Lauren's house. Her roommate was celebrating his 21st birthday and let's just say that the idea of spending a night watching ping pong drunks was not my idea of fun. I half expected her to text me so she could have someone else sober there to roll her eyes at, but she later told me that she went to bed early anyway. Oh, the weekends, they are never dull that's for sure. Even in small towns like Clovis.

Xoxo.
B.

I Still Believe.

"I still believe and it's more than my imagination. It's so real. I know we're going to be together."

Religion is something that I’ve been experimenting with lately. I’ve heard of people experimenting with their sexuality, but I don’t hear stories of someone experimenting with their religion. Not around here at least. I grew up in the church and pretty much got the basic idea of the Bible, this is considered wrong, that’s considered right, Heaven, Hell etc. and for twenty years I never questioned it. It wasn’t until two months ago when I woke up one day and said to myself: “Wait a second, that doesn’t make sense.” And just like that, I began a new spiritual journey.

            The basis around any religion is faith. Faith that whatever god we chose to believe in will answer our prayers, aid us with our problems or forgive us for our sins. And it is this hope we have that sinners everywhere will change their wicked ways and see the true light of said god. Now, this is America, where anyone and everyone are entitled to believe whatever they want. I personally have chosen not to believe in just one thing. I have chosen to be open to every possibility because we don’t know the answers and we don’t know what’s going to happen in the end.  The same thing is true when it comes to relationships.

            It was last week when I decided to actually open myself up to the possibility of getting involved with someone that I’ve known for a few years. He was a short fellow with eyes for both men and women. Normally this wouldn’t bother me but it’s already competitive enough in the gay community, but I would have to compete with women too? I’ve already lost a battle I haven’t even started. I thought if we spent some time together my mind would come around to the idea of him and me. So when he was in from out of town one weekend we spent some time catching up, and I kept my mind open to whatever came my way. It was alright for the most part if he would’ve just stopped ogling my female co-workers. In a naïve attempt to keep my mind from closing and having a padlock put on it I asked him to stay over. It was already four in the morning and it’d be rude of me to have him drive all the way back to where he was staying in Portales. I thought I would be forced to kick him out of my bed if he tried to make a move on me, but he was on his best behavior staying on his side of the bed the whole night. I just wish I could’ve slept better. I just laid there most of the night thinking: “There’s a boy in my bed.” I should’ve been filled with feelings excitement but all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was. I’m not used to sharing my bed with just anyone. It’s kind of hallowed ground for me, something sacred. And to have someone who I wasn’t sure I could picture myself sharing my bed with didn’t help one bit.

            I eventually found sleep in the wee hours of the morning after tossing and turning both inside my head and in my bed. We both woke up around the same time and took a quick look at each other and fell back asleep. A few minutes later I felt something creeping around my waist. It was his arm wrapping tightly around my hips like a snake with its prey. He was close enough to where I could feel his breath on the back of my neck which made my heart race. Not in a twitter patted kind of way, but in an “Easy there, big boy; I’m not that kind of guy who cuddles with just anyone” kind of way. Call me a prude, but that’s just the way it is.

            He ended up staying for a little bit after waking up then left after remembering he had plans for the day that he had to get started on. I walked him to the door, gave him a hug and shut it gently along with all my crazy ideas of us together as a couple. As I turned the deadbolt and heard it click as it locked I felt a feeling of relief and accomplishment rush over me. Maybe it didn’t work out with him, but who’s to say it can’t with someone else.

            A friend of mine said something to me one day that really stuck with me. Before, when I was contemplating if I should throw caution to the wind and jump without looking she told that I just had to have faith. I told her I didn’t know if I did and she said: “You have hope. Not faith.”

            Five words that changed that way I had always viewed relationships. I had hope, there was no doubt about that, but when faced with the idea that someone else could ever like me the way that I liked them made my chest tighten with fear. I just didn’t have faith, faith in him or faith in myself. I was the hopeful romantic with no faith.

            It’s funny how hope and faith can affect our relationships. Hope is that school girl daydream that we have about finding someone that we can fall in love with. It makes us feel bubbly and warm all over. We want to believe that it is something obtainable, but we let our lack of faith prevent us from giving ourselves completely. Hope wants to believe, faith actually believes in who you are with. That means being able to give yourself whole-heartedly to him or her.

           I am a hopeful romantic looking for someone to believe in and just like my spiritual journey that I had started, I have decided to be open to every possibility because we really don’t know what’s going to happen in the end. Whether it’s finding a religion that suits you or finding someone who completes you. Have faith.  

Xoxo.

B.