E-X-P-R-E-S-S.

"Been holding back for quite some time and finally the moment's right. I love to make the people to stare. They know I got that certain savoir faire."

I'm really looking forward to 2012. I plan on taking a lot of risks and not thinking twice about them. If I think it, I want to act on it. I've always expressed myself in lots of artistic ways and now I want to start expressing myself in other ways. It's time that I start using all the wonderful gifts that have been bestowed upon me and through them I will use a voice bigger than I ever thought could ever exist. That will be my theme for the new year and I encourage all of you to express yourselves in whatever way makes you happy. Out with the old and in with the new!

See you guys in 2012 ;) <3

Xoxo.
B.

G St: Chapter Two "Night At The Bluestone" (Sneak Peek #2)

Another sneak peek for you guys ^_^

"“Hey, hey, hey, a bar doesn’t watch itself. Somebody’s got to pour drinks for all these lovely people.” He said in defense. “No excuse,” I told him, “Eastway can go sober for one night. Besides, you spend so much time here that I almost forget what you look like sometimes.” I joked. He laughed and said, “So what’ll it be Mr. Twenty-One? What will be your first legal drink here at The Bluestone Lounge?” I paused to think about this, everyone leaning in a bit waiting for my answer, and then it hit me. “I’ll have a Long Island Ice Tea, please.”

            “Good choice.” Praised Leo; “Long Islands are the new Appletini’s.” He nodded proudly and I didn’t even question if that made sense or not. “Alright, Long Island it is. I’ll be right back with those drinks for you guys.” Alex walked away and I sifted through the bowl of peanuts looking for the cashews.

            We stayed till last call then our little group began breaking up and heading home. I was the last one to leave. The bar was quiet with only the sounds from the conversation of a few bar stragglers sipping slowly on their last drink of the evening. While the gang went their separate ways I stayed a bit longer. There was something about The Bluestone that felt comfortable. I moved to a window seat and looked up at the night sky. Living in the city, you can’t see the stars, but the light of the moon always seems to shine brighter than all the streetlights. . . ."

It can go anywhere at this point and I have butterflies just thinking about it lol. 

Stay tuned!

Xoxo.

B. 

G St: Chapter Two "Night At The Bluestone" (Sneak Peek)

Good news! I'm in the process of writing a Chapter 2 of my fictional series "G St."! Here's a sneak peek of what I'm working on. In this sample Freddy and his friends head to their favorite bar. We flash back to a memory of how they came to know "The Bluestone Lounge."

"We had discovered The Bluestone one night while walking in downtown Eastway. We had somehow taken a wrong turn from this hole in the wall restaurant and ended up at the doorstep of a bar with steps that led down to a door with a neon sign that read: “The Bluestone Lounge” Being the naturally curious group we were we entered in slowly and discovered a room full of men and women sipping cocktails in soft lighting. “Well, this doesn’t look so bad.” Leo said as he took a look around. And just like that, we had found our new favorite bar. “I like this way better than that sports bar we were going to,” chimed in Patrick. “Yeah, why were we going there in the first place?” Lila asked as she flagged down the waitress. “Well,” I said, “They didn’t card and dollar beer drafts on Thursdays.” The three of them nodded in unison and we proceeded to toast to the new bar we had discovered. Oh, how little things have changed."

I'm having so much fun writing Chapter 2 ^_^ I can't wait to finish it and share it with you guys! 

Xoxo.

B.

The Road To A The Comeback.

Hey everyone! 

I hope that the holidays are treating everyone well and you all have got your Xmas cards sealed and stamped, even if you're like me who's not really into the whole "holiday cheer" aspect of it. I am however, a sucker for mailing out cards ^_^

There is a wonderful fog that has rolled in on our peaceful little town tonight and I just feel like taking a moment to bring some light back into my blog. So I thought I'd take a break from worrying about my everyday life and Clarisonic sales to kind of get back down to a personal level with the ones who give me a reason to keep posting: You guys, the readers. 

People are a big inspiration to me. Our behaviors and how we treat each other in different social settings fascinate me. Most of the time, I'm perfectly content just sitting in the background watching everybody interact with one another. The body language we give and the words we speak can be two different things. Our words say one thing, but our bodies can be having a completely different conversation and we may not even notice it half the time. We all have a story, we all have a path that we have walked down that made us who we are today. It may be filled with memories or moments that we wish we could retrace our steps to, I know I almost on a daily basis slap myself on the forehead and say, "What was I thinking?!" but I also have found a lot of happiness along the way too. The beauty of life is that there are really no limitations to what you want to do or who you want to be. There are only limitations if you put them there. And that's what I write about; people, because I believe that we are all connected. We have all felt the same things at one point in our lives. It's our hearts that bind us together so it's amazing that we can be so divided sometimes. 

I have to thank one website that has helped me in more ways than one: chadzboyz.com, during my own personal coming out journey about five years ago. I needed answers to questions and longed to find other people who might be able to relate what I was going through.  It provided a positive community to be who you are without judgment or prejudice. It gave me the confidence to come out without fear because I knew there was a place where people like me could be free. Now older and fully comfortable with my sexuality, I was honored by them when they allowed my blog to be featured on their website. It was a humbling moment in my life as a young member of the LGBT. I felt like this my chance to give back to something that gave something to me: freedom. 

Last but not least, my friends both near and far. You guys support me in everything I do and I don’t know what I’d do without all your love and support <3 I wish I could see more of each of you but I know that going down our own life's path means spending time in them. I love all of you :)

So whether you stumbled upon it or saw the link I posted on my Facebook profile, I thank you! 

Happy Holidays and Merry Xmas! 

Xoxo.

B.

Silver and Gold.

Here we are on the home stretch of 2011. I can honestly say that this has been the most difficult year I’ve ever had to learn from. I didn’t have the option of having layers being gently peeled off; I got myself cracked open to my core and had it exposed for the world to see. Recently, I wrote a poem called “Broken In Two” to express how I’ve been feeling for the past few months. I’m coming out of that dark place in great strides, but I needed to release those feelings and writing a poem seemed the perfect way to do it. Well, there was a reason behind it.

            Back in November I was diagnosed with panic disorder. Nothing else seemed to matter in my world. All I could think about was when the next panic attack would hit. I would do perfectly fine during the day. I kept busy and stayed positive as best I could, but then the night would come and I knew I would have to be alone with nothing to protect me. The thought of being alone in the dark frightened me. I would sleep with my bathroom light on just so I knew that the shadows that lingered couldn’t touch or taunt me. I felt like this was Karma punishing me for something I did in a past life or even in my current one, and I would cry myself to sleep because I had no strength to fight it. It was consuming me from the inside out and I felt powerless. Horrible thoughts passed through my head. I needed relief and I was willing to risk my life to get it. Although the thoughts did pass through I knew in my heart of hearts I’d never go through with it. I thought about all the people I would be hurting if I did.

What a lot of people don’t know about me is that I need them more than they need me. The relationships I create with people are important and special to me. I need that human connection to survive. I think we all do. It’s nice having people who are happy to see you every time you come around. I have a lot of those people in my life and somehow I forgot about them. I was so wrapped up in my sinking ship I even lost myself a bit. I would look in the mirror every day and wonder who the person was staring back. It got to the point to where I couldn’t even look in the mirror. That wasn’t me and I refused to look at an illusion.

I’ve since started seeing a counselor and it’s really helping me deal with the issues at hand despite my hesitance at first. It has really opened to eyes and even given me some insight to the madness that I call my mind.

I’ve learned a lot these past few months. I learned that I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I learned that it’s OK to ask for help and I learned that the silver lining is much easier to see when you treat yourself like gold. Someday when I look back on this in twenty years I’ll referrer to this as “The Dark Time” but for now I’ll just call it recovery. 

Broken In Two.

Blood wine, shade of red
Envelope me in words unsaid.

Angel whispers fill the air
to calm me through this dark despair.

I walk into an empty room
and only see what's broken in two.

Lying in the same position
fighting my way through this painful transition.

Frightened to be alone at night
for fear of not seeing the morning light.

I can't believe you did this to me.
Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe.

My heart races and my hands shake
I don't know how much more I can take.

The dark allure that temps me everyday
is the only thing that makes me stay
above water and far away from the thoughts
that haunt me every which way.

Your actions that speak and the words
you sell burned me like the fires of Hell.

End this torture I beg you please.
Send a cure for this horrible disease.

To repair what's been broken in two
I know I must get away from you.

I take this knife and with the blade
do I cut our ties and fade away.

I need to get back to that place of light
where the flowers bloomed and the sun
shone bright.

The eyes I see full of terror
are joined by a pasted smile in the mirror.

Remembering the days when I used to fly free.
Remembering the person I truly miss is me.

G St: Chapter One "The Morning After"

It’s morning. I know this because the sun is creeping through my blinds and my alarm seems to be making this high pitched ringing sound. I lied in bed trying to search for my phone somewhere buried within my comforter, as long as it’s somewhere within hand reaching distance.

I eventually find it and see that it’s 9:45AM. I hit the snooze button and turn on my side to fall blissfully back to sleep. Too bad I was re-awakened by my roommate who has burst into my room only moments later. “Coffee! Get it while it’s hot!” he says in such a perky way that it should be outlawed so early in the morning. I pull the covers over my head hoping to disappear inside my cocoon.

            “You know I don’t drink coffee.” I manage to mumble. I feel him crawl under the covers with me and make himself comfortable. “See, that’s your problem, you choose to live with your hangover instead of aid it with a cup of caffeinated happiness.” He said as he sipped from his cup.

 Was he really serious when he said caffeinated happiness? It sounded more like a drug that only coffee drinkers did that left them tapping on an empty coffee mug the same way a wind up cymbal clapping monkey did except with a spoon. 

            “I’m not choosing to live with it. I’m choosing to deal with it my way, you know, with like, water and lots of carbs. This is not my first time with a hangover.” This is true. I was no stranger to the drink. I can remember being sixteen over at a friend’s house while his parents were out of town and a bunch of us were having mud slides, which, led to a couple beers which led to some slush type drink that was mixed in a blender that made everything very fuzzy. Long story short I somehow woke up on the kitchen table the next morning. My head felt like someone had stabbed it with an ice pick and every sound was like nails against a chalkboard. Needless to say, that was the stepping stone to more nights like that.

            “True, but this is the first hangover after your 21^st birthday. This needs to be given the proper attention,” he said. My roommate Leo had to be the only person I knew who could make a hangover seem sentimental.

 I emerged from my covers, crawled over him out of bed and quickly realized that I was half naked. “Could you explain to me why I’m in nothing but my underwear? I could have sworn I was wearing clothes last night at the party. I was wasn’t I?” I pondered this as I rubbed my five o’ clock shadow in the mirror. “You were,” he began, “Then at some point during the evening you went from champagne to pinot grigio then to a mixed drink that had three different liquors in it. Then after crowning yourself ‘Duke of stripping’ you proceeded to show us your stripping skills. Then we carried you off to bed where you collapsed before asking us if you had given that guy your number. Couldn’t have done it better myself. My little boy is all grown up now,” he said letting out a small sigh and dabbing fake tears around his eyes.

            It all began to flood back to me. My 21^st birthday: I didn’t want to make a big deal about it so I just had some friends over, which, led to more friends over and led to chaos. I can still hear the cork popping off the champagne bottles. I can remember the sparkle of the bubbles as I stared at my glass in the light. I remember toasting to adulthood and the new adventure I wanted to embark on. This was it, no looking back now. “And it never crossed your mind to step in and stop me from looking like a fool at some point?” I asked crawling back into bed.

            “I figured you only turn twenty-one once so might as well go big or go home.” Leo nonchalantly said as he inspected the condition of his cuticles. “Just tell me no one took pictures of any of it.” I said dreading the possibility of there being actual evidence to my foolishness.

            “You know Patrick was all over that.” I hated that Patrick needed to record or capture every moment in life. Best friend or not, I may have to cause physical harm to him to hand over any and all photographic evidence. “Well,” Leo says as he throws the covers off himself and jumps out of bed, “I’m going to make a quick breakfast before jumping in the shower, any special requests?”

            “Solids” I say weakly, “lots and lots of solids.”

            “Pancakes, eggs and bacon it is.” He says before closing the door. I liked having Leo as a roommate. He watched out for me like an older brother but also nagged me like a mother. “As a mature member of the gay community it is our job to watch over the younger gays and guide them along their journey.” He would always tell me. He wasn’t that much older than me if you count being twenty-six that much more “mature”. He didn’t believe in the word “old”. He said that word sounded like death and he was “alive and kicking still”. But I had to hand it to the man; he sure knew how to make an awesome breakfast. I’m guessing he had a lot of practice being the oldest of four kids. His father owned an auto shop and worked long hours every week and his mother was the general manager of a grocery store. They both relied on Leo a lot to help out with his siblings so he had to cook and clean and watch after them after school most of the time with both of them being busy. But Leo had bigger plans. He wanted to move to a bigger city and live a life that was his own. So one day he packed up all his things in his car and said goodbye to his old life. His siblings were old enough to take care of themselves by then so he drove to Eastway, which, was just three and half hours away. “I just drove until I saw city lights.” He once told me. It was there that he got a job at a department store before moving to a small shoe boutique and working his way up to manager. "Glamour at it's best" he called it being quite proud of the life he had made. 

I had moved to Eastway when I was just a rebellious nineteen-year-old without a cause. I came from a conservative religious family who believed that homosexuality wasn’t an “ideal lifestyle choice”. Their views were quickly confirmed when they caught me with one of the neighbor’s sons. To be fair, he came on to me. I was helpless to resist his blue eyes. He got sent to one of those pray away the gay camps and after arguing for weeks with my parents I left too. I just drove until I saw city lights.

We had met at a club one night while waiting in the line for the bathroom. I was staying at a hotel nearby and had about another night left before I had to start turning tricks for money. I already had the hotel after all. I had no job and needed a plan quick or I was going to have to crawl back to my parents with my tail between my legs. It may have been my last option but it was quickly becoming my only option.

“Got a light?” A voice next to me said. I turned and it was a guy in a black button up shirt, jeans and a white belt. His hair was styled in a crazy messy way. I suppose to achieve that just rolled out of bed look. He had kind eyes and a nice smile. I smiled politely back and shook my head. “Damn, ok. So what’s going on up there?” he asked pointing to my head. “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here.” I replied.

I looked at my watch and it was almost 12:30AM. I don’t even know why I came out tonight. I knew no one here and I should be back at the hotel looking through the want ads not through a crowd of people searching for the answers to my problems. What was I really trying to achieve by being here? “There you go again.” The voice next to me said. It was bed head guy again. “What?” I asked being snapped back to reality. “You had that lost in your head look.” He replied as he checked his appearance in a nearby reflection. “Oh, sorry, I just have a lot on my mind at the moment.” I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a little sigh. Bed Head stopped primping his hair for a second and looked back at me in the reflection. “So what’s his name?” he asked. I let out a small laugh, “It’s not even remotely close to being about a guy and even if it was I wouldn’t waste this much energy stressing about it.” I saw a grin slowly creep onto his face. He turned around almost tickled by my response. “You’re a feisty one. I like that. Follow me.” Then he proceeded to grab my hand and make his way to the bar. “What about the bathroom?” I asked being caught off guard. “The only way that that bathroom is going anywhere is if it grew legs and walked away. I wouldn’t blame it either. Those poor stalls, I could tell you horror stories of some of the things I’ve seen just walking in to wash my hands. Here, drink this.” He hands me a shot.

I look at him slightly confused but I don’t question a free shot when it’s being handed to me. We tap our glasses on the bar and toast to whatever he dragged me over here for. “So what did we toast to? I know it’s not over my current illegal age to consume alcohol,” I said with a hint of sarcasm to my voice. He simply laughed before flagging the bartender down and gesturing for a second round, “Well, I can see that, but these guys clearly don’t so why mess with a good thing, huh?”

            We spent the night having a couple drinks and laughing at each other’s stories on how we got to Eastway then danced under the lights on the dance floor. The flashes of light seemed to hypnotize me as I swayed along with the music. I could feel the bass beating in my chest becoming one with my heartbeat. Was this going to be my life from now on? Where was I going to live tomorrow? And what was the name of my mystery host that made this night really interesting? I couldn’t think about these things too much. The alcohol was coursing through my veins fueling my desire to dance more. I looked at my watch, it was coming up on two in the morning so I turned and I realized that Bed Head was nowhere to be found. I did a quick scan of the club and found him at a table with a group of people in the corner. I casually walked over and leaned into Bed Head’s ear and told him I was leaving.

            “Thanks for the drinks, but I think I’m going to head out,” I said as I turned to leave but Bed Head tried to stop me. “So soon? But it’s so early!” he said enthusiastically.  “Yeah, so early in the morning; I really should be going though. It was really nice meeting you, Mystery Man,” I said as I turned around and made my way to the exit.

The night air was cool and felt nice as I exited out of the club and started walking back to my hotel room. Then I heard a voice calling from behind me. I turned around and it was Bed Head jogging to catch up to me. “You’re a real hard person to catch up to,” He said as I stopped to let him catch his breath. “It’s the cross I bare.” I joked as I stopped in my tracks.

“I felt it was my gentlemanly duty to see to it that you got home safe.” He said as we started walking again. “Well, I appreciate that, but I can take care of myself. Plus, it’s just a few blocks down.” I said as I started walking ahead of him. But I couldn’t shake him that easily. “I get it. You’re the ‘I don’t need anybody because I’m independent’ types, aren’t you?” he asked. I didn’t answer so he reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. “Well, I know that the journey you are embarking can be rough without a little help along the way. I see a lot of great things in your future. I’d hate to see that go to waste. Give me a call tomorrow and we’ll talk.” And he handed me a card with the name “Leo Flores” on it with his number and just like that, Bed Head had a name. I didn’t know it at the time but it was the start of a beautiful friendship. 

I was so caught up in my trip down memory lane that I didn’t even hear my phone ring in the present time. I looked at my phone and it was my friend Lila. It looks like she left a voicemail. I clicked to play it and she sounded just as happy as Leo did:

 “Hey! I guess you are too busy sleeping off your birthday bash to answer, but clear your schedule tonight because we are having drinks at The Bluestone. Eight-thirty and don’t be late. Love you!”

I tossed my phone to the side into a pile of pillows. Was it all downhill from here as everyone said it was? Or was this the start of a new chapter? Could I, Freddy Nieves, conquer this town and then what, the world? Ok, I might be jumping the gun a bit on that one, but hey, anything’s possible, right? Just then Leo appeared once more except he came bearing food. Truly, this is heaven on earth.  

My Weekend Wrap Up: Brain Matter or Chanel Perfume?

Sunday marks the beginning of a new week. Everything is fresh and new and once again our slate gets wiped clean. I for one am happy about this. If I could describe last week in one word it would have to be: renewing. But naturally I took the long way to get to that point.

            I was doing a lot of thinking about a few things and one of those things was finally reaching acceptance about the situation concerning my mom. I spent a month or so going through the motions going back and forth between denial and anger before reaching depression. Feeling that pain and rejection was the most intense pain I had ever endured. I was like having someone’s hands around your neck and trying to fight them off, but no matter how hard you try their grip just gets tighter and finally you just want it to end. I had never felt so alone and abandoned before. I lied on top of the broken pieces that was my heart, feeling the shards cut me every time I moved waiting for relief. And then one day, while at work, I had a thought: I needed to forgive. Simply forgive. Not for her, not for anyone else, but for myself. I knew that it wouldn’t change anything, but at least I could fly freely on the wings of forgiveness. I took a deep breath and said a little prayer to the universe letting it be known that I forgave her.

I was also coming to the end of my story with a man who had been the prince on a white horse in my fairytale. Friendly by nature and sweet as the words he would say to me, I was smitten by him since the first day we met four years ago. It takes a real special man to have me twisted in such a way that I can’t even think straight, and that’s what this man was to me; someone so special that I would’ve done just about anything just to feel his heartbeat against mine. But we were on two different paths of life. He was conquering the medical field and gearing up to start the next phase of his life and I am but a mere flower child with stars in my eyes and my head in the clouds. So I did what any rational thinking human being would do, I set those butterflies free. If you care about something you must set it free and if it’s meant to be they will come back. He will always hold a special place in my heart and I continue to send him love and light every time I think about him.

            Letting go of two of the most important people in my life took a huge part of me. It probably didn’t help that I was stressing so much about every little thing that it actually triggered a panic attack one night. It felt like I was drowning in myself, my body shook uncontrollably, it was hard to breathe and I thought this was how it was all going to end. I was scared to death. I rocked back and forth taking deep breaths and talking to my roommate who was prepared to take me to the hospital. I finally calmed myself down around two in the morning and went to bed clutching the blankets tightly around me hoping that it would be different in the morning.

            After getting over what I hoped was just a onetime thing, I was overjoyed when my friend Amanda H. invited me out for margaritas on Saturday night. We hadn’t seen each other in two years and I couldn’t remember the last time I had so much fun. She introduced me to “Dosritas”, which was a margarita with an upside down Dos Equis bottle in it. One thing led to another and we managed to have three of them. She caught me up on what was going on with her life which consisted of going on an ambulance call where she had actual brain matter on her hands from a man who had attempted suicide. And this is right before we met up. “Now I can say what brain matter feels like,” she said. Her eyes lit up as she talked about it and she apologized for the imagery. “I have a morbid fascination for it I guess.” She said proudly. I couldn’t help but compare it to having Chanel perfume on my hands. We laughed all night watching other people who were sitting at the bar along with us. She pointed to a couple next to us who looked like they were on an awkward first date. “Look at their body language.” She pointed out. They both had their arm crossed which is a sign of their guard being up. It was the first time I had real adult fun and we decided to make it a monthly thing.

            If it’s one thing I learned this past week it’s prioritizing your time. When we get so wrapped up in our schedules we end up drowning in the stress we create from them. When I actually left my daily life full of fighting the demons of my present, pre-sells, men troubles and maintaining the perfect appearance I found relief at the end of it with friends and family who are willing to jump to my aid at a moment’s notice. Their love provides a safety net for me to fall back on even when I feel like I’m on shaky ground. So take some time for yourself! Give yourself a manicure, grab a drink with the girls or even write a few pages down in a journal. I guarantee once you get that stress out of your body the morning after is much brighter. Life may not always be glamorous but it’s worth more than all the money in the world.  

Have a fun and safe Halloween this year!

Xoxo.

B.

G St.

Dearest readers,

Sorry if I've been a little M.I.A. lately. I'm kind of under the weather at the moment. No need to fret! I'll be good as new in no time. If I just learn how to relax and let my body recover fully, but you slow down, you die! That's always been my motto lol. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who made "Love 2.1" one of the biggest and most viewed blogs I've posted this year! The positive feedback I've received from it has humbled me as a writer and touched my heart. My next blog "Welcome" is still in the process of being written if I can just find the right hook to get it to go where I want it to go. I'm really having second thoughts about it because it sounds so drab when I read back over and over. It sounds like it takes all this time to go nowhere so I might just cancel it. Sorry about all the hype!

What I do have in the planning process is a fictional story. This won't just be one post. Consider it a series if you will. I've never taken a jab at writing fiction so this will be an interesting experience. I'm calling it "G St." and now I'm working what I want the story to be about. I want to make it fun, interesting, insightful and just an overall good read. Wish me luck!

Xoxo,
B.

Love 2.1

It’s funny how life as we think we know it can change in the blink of an eye. One minute you’re sitting on top of the world watching everything below then something comes along, grabs your world and shakes it just a bit. Suddenly, you have to conform to a new way of thinking. Your daily routine gets tweaked ever so slightly and you have to think of new inventive ways of staying alive. I’ve come to realize that this is how life works.

            Here I sit in a room where I did a lot of growing up in the past year. I look around at these four walls that created an environment entirely made of acceptance and freedom. I look at the pictures on my dresser slightly covered in dust because of my lack of tidying up skills. I’m in almost all of them and I used to think that was because I am very vain, but looking at them now I see my face in a different background each telling a different story, but with the same smile that just says, “Hey look, Ben! You were here!” I like to look at this like an emotional growth chart. It’s me in all these pictures, but I was at a different emotional state in all of them. It starts out awkward and afraid to rebellious and troubled to hitting rock bottom before settling to working my way up. I can honestly say that I have felt more alive in the past year than I ever have in my entire life. A lot of it had to do with making some drastic decisions, taking some risky chances and ultimately stop trying to force everything and just let them happen in their own time.

            In past blogs I talk about my slight addiction I had to alcohol. I know everyone’s definition of “addicted” is different so that’s why I stand firm in saying that yes, I was addicted. I used it to fit in, to run away from my problems, to overall mask the unhappiness that I was feeling; settling me comfortably into the depression that I had put myself in. No one could help me stop drinking. I knew if I wanted to stop I was going to have to be the one to say, “Alright, I think you’ve done enough damage. Look at yourself. You look like a hung over mess. Get your ass in a shower and then let’s start cleaning up this mess.” I was stupid enough to keep doing it for a few years, but not stupid enough to not know that that was the key to my freedom.

            Quitting was the easy part. I started by going cold turkey slowly working my way up from there. Just until I learned how to control my intake and be the proper inebriated that the situation would call for. Example: The Christmas party for your job? No; game night at home with friends? Yes. I started drinking tons of water and tea to rehydrate and cleanse my body of all the toxins both emotional and physical sort of speak. I needed to feel like I started over. Everything that had happened over the last few years no longer existed as far as I was concerned. I began staying home more in an effort to get my body used to sleeping eight hours again instead of three or four. I was seeing friends less and often turned down social invitations from them. I wasn’t just spending time at home; I needed to isolate myself so I could detoxify my mind, body and soul. It allowed me to sit with my thoughts and start diving into the swamp that was my mind. I dipped my toe into those dirty waters as I began to rehash past mistakes. I had to stop dwelling on each and every single time I tried to show the world I was human by doing something that earned me unworthy attention. Forgiveness is the hardest lesson to learn. Especially for one’s self. It requires a certain level of vulnerability that can almost be overwhelming.

            “Your road to glory will be difficult, but fulfilling.” I had received that tiny piece of wisdom from an old fortune cookie earlier this year. Call me a believer in New Age philosophy, but I couldn’t help but believe that it held some truth to it. Maybe I didn’t understand it at the time, but it began slowly revealing itself in a bunch of different ways. When it comes to people I’ve learned that there are going to be a few in your life that you will come across who will say a lot of things to you that will stick with you throughout your whole life. It could be “Don’t be afraid” “You’re important to me” or “Don’t you want to have a relationship with me?” It’s weird how simple sentences of just a few words seem to leave their mark on our life trail. We can try to scuff them away into the dirt but no matter how hard you try you’ll just be getting your shoes dusty. One of the worst things you can ever hear another human being say is: I’m giving up.

            I have the upmost faith in every human being that they can overcome whatever mountain they seem to be facing. I know that we all have a source of strength within ourselves that can be tapped into if we just realize that no problem is that big after all. Seeing another person refuse to tap into their strength and decide that they are just going to give up on everything: life, love, happiness, friends, family, had to be the saddest sight I had ever seen in my entire life. I never had someone on the other end of a phone call verbally say and mean it when they said: “I’m done with everything and everyone. I just want to be left alone forever. You can just forget about me and no one will ever be bothered by me again.” And what do you do when you can’t say or do anything to change their mind? That person died that night. Not physically, but inside my heart. I sat quietly as a big part of me died. Like trying to hold on to water, it slipped right through my fingers. Every now and then it will hit me in waves and wash over me in such a bittersweet way as it plays with my broken heartstrings. I know I’ll grow to accept it in time, but for now I sit and watch the waves roll by.

            I do believe in a couple of things: a daily moisturizing routine, Ricola throat lozenges and most importantly, love. I didn’t have any real good examples of what love really is growing up. There was just something inside of me that always knew that no matter what love does in fact conquer all. And I knew that it would never let me down if I just believed in it. So I began putting love out there into the universe and in return I received more love than I ever thought could exist. Love is everywhere I go. It’s in the morning sunlight that pours itself into my windows every day; it’s in a gentle breeze the way it brushes gently across my face. I can even find it in the eyes of a little boy who has so much love in his tiny hands. I have been given a beautiful chance to experience love unlike I ever have before. Growing up with a broken heart most of my life I can honestly say that learning to love yourself is the first step to healing. Getting over that mountain is the hard part, then comes opening yourself up to others and allowing them to love you back. It’s really an amazing and eye opening journey of self discovery. The work is hard but the reward is worth it.

            This is all probably just a long winded way of saying that I’ve grown up in the past year since my last birthday, but I can’t stress enough how much it has changed me in so many positive ways. I’m actually happy and I want nothing more than to share that happiness with everyone. I’m in control of my life for the first time and it and that is something I will not apologize for. I’ve been called “selfish” and a “snob” for standing up for myself and not succumbing to what other’s wanted me to be. That’s ok, I’ve been called worse and I’m pretty sure that won’t be the last time my name will be used in a negative way. “You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies. You may tread me in the very dirt, but still, like dust, I’ll rise.” Here I stand on the edge of a new adventure, a new life. My name is Benjamin Tomas. I like eating pop tarts at midnight and seeing people happy is what I live for. I am also twenty-one and I’m finally ready to start living my life. 

Xoxo.

B.

Love 2.1 (Sneak Peek)

Hey readers!! I'm currently in the process of writing two blogs at the moment. One that is long overdue and another to commemorate my 21st birthday that kind of fell out of the sky and into my lap. It's amazing when inspiration will strike! I've been so busy with work and trying to live a life outside of work that I have neglected everything literary. My deepest apologies and to make it up to you I have a sneak peek of my birthday post called "Love 2.1". I gave it that name for a couple of reasons. I went through some key moments in that past year and I give my thoughts about life and what I've learned that are responsible for making me the person I am at the moment. It's been a beautifully painful journey, but one that I don't regret in any way. The title itself is based on how love has changed me in so many ways. I have reached this whole new level that I can't wait to explore and grow in. So here it is, a sneak peek of "Love 2.1":


"Here I sit in a room where I did a lot of growing up in the past year. I look around at these four walls that created an environment entirely made of love and freedom. I look at the pictures on my dresser slightly covered in dust because of my lack of tidying up skills. I’m in almost all of them and I used to think that was because I am very vain, but looking at them now I see my face in a different background each telling a different story, but with the same smile that just says, “Hey look, Ben! You were here!” I like to look at this like an emotional growth chart. It’s me in all these pictures, but I was at a different emotional state in all of them. It starts out awkward and afraid to rebellious and troubled to hitting rock bottom before settling to working my way up. I can honestly say that I have felt more alive in the past year than I ever have in my entire life. A lot of it had to do with making some drastic decisions, taking some risky chances and ultimately stop trying to force everything and just let them happen in their own time. . ." 


I look forward to posting it very soon along with "Welcome". Stay tuned! 


Xoxo.
B.

"Welcome" (Sneak Peek #2)

"It was done, my resignation was written. I kept reading the small paragraph that I wrote over and over, from top to bottom making sure that my point was being made and also, making sure that I had actually did it. I had no plan ready to be set in motion once I would turn it in. I pretty much had no plan at all. This literally was something that I woke up one day and decided to do. The Hut had taken everything I had over the last five years: my time, energy, happiness, soul. If freedom cannot be given then it has to be taken and my weapon of choice was this sentence: “I hereby turn in my two weeks’ notice.” And just like that, I was on my way to a new life, a new job and a new start. The only question was where was it? After turning it my resignation to one of my assistant managers I went about my day like I always did except there was an expiration date waiting for me. Sure, all kinds of questions were running through my mind: “What am I going to do about money?” “What if I don’t find another job?” “Will I have to beg for my job back?” “Is Mariah Carey hiring for backup vocalists?” I ran through all the possible scenarios in my head to see if I could handle any situation that I may come across in my unemployment. I probably had enough in my savings to be out of work for at least two months. And then something happened that I didn’t see coming on the day that I turned in my notice . . . I got offered a job."

The plot thickens!

Working on the rest today. Hopefully I'll have it ready to post tonight. Xoxo!

"Welcome" (Sneak Peek)

"I had always had this vision in my head that one day I’d sit down and write my resignation. I thought about what I would say and how they would react to it, I thought about how I would defend myself if it was questioned, and yes, I even thought about the speech I would make at my farewell party. Some days I would sit at a booth and stare out the window daydreaming about what life would be like outside my cage made of metal and glass. For years I had always said I was going to leave and for years I watched as people before me spread their wings and fly far away from a life of three twenty-five an hour and cheap tippers. No one took me seriously when I would talk about it. Hell, I barely believed myself sometimes. But it was this vision in my head that told me to be patient; my time would come when I was ready for it. Then one day I snatched a piece of paper from the printer and sat at the third booth from the door and wrote the words: “To Whom It May Concern . . . “at the top of the page. . . ."

I finally have found the time to jot my thoughts down long enough to post a sneak peek of what I'm working on. Get ready to enter a world that this veteran of the food industry has never ventured out into before, but that means leaving behind all that I knew. Find out how this story ends! 

Xoxo.

B. 

Where To?

Hello all my beloved friends! I hope the solar flare didn't mess with anyone else's electronics like it did mine. 

Just thought I'd jot a few lines down and give you a heads up on what's been going on inside my head. The wheels are definitely turning with all kinds of ideas. I'm really excited to get to work on two new blogs that I have lined up next, but for now they are just in the beginning planning stages. The first one, I had a vision of a dog-eat-dog world filled with fashion and labels. I want it to stay classy with just a hint of cattiness, but also staying true to the message of what it will be about. The second one, I decided will kind of be like a Part 2 to "Is This Love?" Except minus all the mushy romance stuff this time. We're going to get real and honest this time. Kind of like a solo intervention. Who else is excited???! 

I can see a growth and change in my writing and I'm not just saying that because I'm the one writing them. The more I become confident within myself the more I become confident in my gift of writing and I hope it shows. I'm able to have a deeper connection with the stories that I share, and it's almost like I'm giving you guys the key to my heart, which, is something that I find difficult to do with anyone. I feel like I have a voice again and it's thanks to YOU. It's because you read, share, comment and encourage me that I find the motivation to do it all. But look at me getting all Brokeback Mountain on you. I'll just stop while I'm ahead. Just know that none of it goes unnoticed or unappreciated <3

That's all that I have for everyone tonight. Just a quick heads up about what's going on up my sleeve and what's to come. Some people like to ask me where I'm going with my life and I never knew what to say to them, but now I have an answer: To the stars and beyond. That's where I'm going. 

Until next time,

-B.

Is This Love?

Emotions are a tricky thing. They’re kind of like ninjas the way they have the ability to sneak up on you when you least expect it. They’re quick and if you’re not careful you can definitely get hurt in some way. My whole life has been training in the delicate art of emotional kung fu. I know how to fight off any emotion in a hand-to-hand combat, but a true emotional kung fu master knows to always keep your eyes and ears open at all times. If you let your guard down once you make yourself vulnerable for a surprise attack.

            Something interesting happened to me the other night. It began simple enough, I was settling nicely into bed with my blanket and Netflix on my computer when I found myself staring off into space. In the darkness of my room I felt something. It was a feeling deeper than what I felt for family and friends. It was stronger than gravity the way it held me down in such a powerful way, but lighter than air as I felt like I could reach the stars. It was a warm feeling, like, taking a bubble bath with the water at that perfect temperature. It enveloped my heart in a state of euphoria and I was helpless to resist its power. I lost all sense of time, night and day became one and memories flew past me like speeding cars. As I fell further and further into this feeling a face appeared to me. It’s as if this face drew me to it calling out to me in some cosmic way so that I would find it somewhere in the back of my mind.

            Out of all the people in this whole wide world and it had to be his. It had to be his face, his smile, his whole being. I was suddenly sixteen again and I began to remember the way he made me feel when we would drive around in his car, me sitting quietly in the passenger seat hoping he couldn’t tell how nervous I was while he blasted his music from his stereo. I remembered our first date, which, was slightly awkward from the panic attack I was having in my head because we snuck into the movie we picked to watch (I still to this day can’t sneak into a movie because of the inevitable guilt trip that will follow from feeling like I cheated the theater in some way) and having my cousin and one of his friends tag along with us. It was all coming back to me now: going to the soccer fields where we wrestled in his car because he took my beanie and played keep away with it, reclining his seats back and listening to him talk about something that happened in his day, sneaking out of my house late at night just to meet him outside, the moonlit kisses and falling asleep with the afterglow from the night before.

            I basked in these moments in time blissfully unaware of my life in the present, but with the blink of an eye the memories started to reverse and the glow along with his face started to fade away from my sight. I was back in the present again, back to my life five years later. I wasn’t sixteen anymore and this wasn’t Portales. I was in my own home surrounded by the life I had created with my own two hands, and now these hands wanted nothing more than to be laced with the same hands that stirred the butterflies in my stomach. It felt like these butterflies had made their way to my heart and formed a protective barrier around it and saying: “Don’t be afraid. We’re not here to hurt you. Just embrace this feeling and you’ll know what to do.” Suddenly the glow from the past returned to my body except it amplified itself by ten, maybe, twenty times and I lied there letting it pulse throughout my body gently grazing every nerve ending with its shimmering light. And with that shimmer I saw the truth; I think I might be falling for this man . . . .

            It was true, I cared for him more than a friend and more than a lover. I was feeling genuine emotions for him. You know the kind all those love sick people would talk about but we were all too busy rolling our eyes to pay attention? Yeah, those type of emotions. But had our window closed? Isn’t there that time frame where you two have to seal the deal or stay in the “friend’s zone”? Maybe we had a chance somewhere in our mixed up history, but I didn’t even know if the thought ever even crossed HIS mind at all. Ever. He was a man who knew what he wanted and went out and chased it down till he got it, and I was never in his tunnel vision.

            I’m not a believer in random events or moments. These feelings fell from the sky and came to me for a reason and I wasn’t fighting it or trying to find the switch to turn them off for once. So if I could describe this feeling I am experiencing; if I could sum it up in just one word I’d pick: Lovely. I don’t recall anyone else being able to make such an impact on me like he did, and now I wasn’t afraid to feel it. But I couldn’t help but wonder: Was I really feeling lovely or was I feeling love?

Xoxo.

B.

Is This Love (Sneak Peek #2)

"I basked in these moments in time blissfully unaware of my life in the present, but with the blink of an eye the memories started to reverse and the glow along with his face started to fade away from my sight. I was back in the present again, back to my life five years later. I wasn’t sixteen anymore and this wasn’t Portales. I was in my own home surrounded by the life I had created with my own two hands, and now these hands wanted nothing more than to be laced with the same hands that stirred the butterflies in my stomach. It felt like these butterflies had made their way to my heart and formed a protective barrier around it and saying: “Don’t be afraid. We’re not here to hurt you. Just embrace this feeling and you’ll know what to do.” Suddenly the glow from the past returned to my body except it amplified itself by ten, maybe, twenty times and I lied there letting it pulse throughout my body gently grazing every nerve ending with its shimmering light. And with that shimmer I saw the truth; I think I might be . . . ."


Just another sneak peek of the blog I finished last night before I post it tonight. This one has a lot of emotion and I hope I am able to take you on a visual journey so you can see where I was coming from. I look forward to hearing what you guys have to say! ^_^

Is This Love? (Sneak Peek)

"In the darkness of my room one night I felt something. It was a feeling deeper than what I felt for family and friends. It was stronger than gravity the way it held me down in such a powerful way, but lighter than air as I felt like I could reach the stars. It was a warm feeling, like, taking a bubble bath with the water at that perfect temperature. It enveloped my heart in a state of euphoria and I was helpless to resist its power . . . ."


Just a sneak peek of what I'm working on. Emotions are a crazy thing that I'll never understand and they'll hit you when you least expect it. The only problem is figuring out what type of emotions they are. Is it lust? Infatuation? Or is it love? I guess we'll find out! 


Stay tuned my loves! 


Xoxo.
B.  

My Weekend Wrap Up: Welcome To The Jungle.

I've been feeling quite social lately, which, probably explains why I decided to go out this past weekend and spend time with the friends that I've been neglecting. It was quite the eventful weekend. It didn't compare to the ones we used to have back in the day because instead of letting the alcohol be my guide, I was taken by the hand by something new and something old.

The night began at Joy and Chris's new apartment. The plan was simple: we all didn't have anything to do the next morning so why not toast the night away with friends. It felt nice being around the people who felt like my home away from home, away from home. No one brought up the fact that they hadn't seen my in a long time, which, was a shock. I had gotten so used to being put on guilt trips about it that I had almost gotten used to being isolated from them. But I'm human and we need other human interactions to feel normal. I actually had a great time. Joy and I teamed up for a round of beer pong that lasted longer than any round should only because we kept stopping to plot our win than actually playing. Needless to say, we got our ass's handed to us by the guys, but gave it a classy effort that only Joy and I could provide. I had two cocktails, one made by my friend Maritza a.k.a. "Ritz" which had the perfect balance of lime vodka and soda. What made it even more bad ass was that it was stirred and not shaken by a knife. The next one was made by my friend Ashley and it was made tad stronger than I preferred being more actual liquor than soda. Knowing that if I had a third nothing good would come from it I just stuck to beer for the rest of the night. I was proud of myself in a way. The old Ben would have kept grabbing drinks stronger than the next, but I put my cup down. I actually put my cup down. 

        As the night wound down I noticed I was grabbing the hand of someone familiar, Mr. V. There was no doubt about it there was definitely an emotional tie there that I needed to acknowledge. I felt bad for the way I had treated him during our history together. So I pulled him aside and apologized. He said I didn't have to, but I reminded him that I needed to. When everyone started heading home we ended up outside of the apartment where I proceeded to talk his ear off about everything under the sun and moon. Our bodies were entangled with each other against the apartment building. It felt nice feeling the embrace of another warm body against mine. It made me feel like I could put my defenses down for once and allow myself to check out of my ever so tiring life of constant battling. One thing I couldn't stop doing was staring at the moon. Something about that lovely silver orb had my attention the entire time we were talking. I felt like in some weird cosmic way it was guiding my actions. It sounds crazy, but if the moon controls the tide and the human body is 70% water, why not, right? I didn't know what kind of domino effect would come from my actions that night but I wasn't going to worry about it. I am a flower child so I was going to let nature decide where were supposed to go from there and I was going to let the light of the moon lead the way.

        If only the next morning was as pleasant as the night before. I had my nephews birthday party to attend as well as set up for. I woke up in a panic because I woke up late past the time I was supposed to meet everyone to set up. I jumped out of bed only to feel exhaustion and dehydration hit my body. I felt like someone had thrown me in front of a bus. I scrambled madly looking for aspirin, water, my phone, turning on the shower, tearing off my clothes from the night before, finding something to wear to the party, sunscreen and somewhere in between all that I was texting everyone from my sister to friends. I managed to be ready in half an hour with enough time to grab a protein shake on the way out. Showing up with enough time to finish setting up we were ready to celebrate part two of my nephew's birthday. I didn't know any other one-year-old who had two pinata's, three cakes and seventy-five cupcakes at their party, but then again, I never had a nephew either so maybe there really was a first time for everything. He had a jungle theme which suited him perfectly seeing how we call him our "little monkey". I did my best to help out and video taped the party catching every party game and yes, even the cake fight. To end the day, I went around and tried to get all the guests give a cute birthday message. Too bad that it kind of flopped seeing how barely anyone wanted to participate. But ill will feelings aside, we all had a great day. A long, exhausting, fun day. You only turn one once, right? Four hours of loud, sugar laced kids was more than enough for one day for me. When my sister puts her mind to something an even bigger final product will manifest from it. I voted next year we take him to McDonalds . . . through the drive-thru. 

All in all, another successful weekend. I'm happy :)

Xoxo.

B.

My Weekend Wrap Up: Garage Sales and The People Who Love Them.

I'm going to miss these care free Summer afternoons where nothing takes place but the sun's warm rays upon your skin and Kylie Minogue playing in the background. Occasionally, some yard work will get done, but nothing satisfies me more than all this warm weather. Now on with the weekend wrap up!

This weekend was full of personal self discovery, 7am garage sales and parties that I was happy to not be a part of.

The first Friday of mine that I didn't have to pull a split at work was supposed to be epic. I had no idea what I wanted to do but I was excited for the possibilities. I had been invited to my friend Joy's house to get "chocolate wasted" with a bunch of friends of mine as soon as everyone got off. While the idea of consuming unnecessary amounts of chocolate and sugar was tempting, instead I was glued to Wikipedia researching body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I was really blown away by all the information and actually became overwhelmed emotionally by it. I really can't go into anymore detail on that other than I could barely finish the glass of wine I had poured for myself. I cleaned my bathroom to clear my head, got ready for bed and fell asleep around midnight. I had a long day ahead of me which would start at six in the morning.

I can't remember the last time I had woken up at six in the morning. I think I was in Elementary only to watch cartoons. Oh, how I long for those days again . . . But not this time. I had to drag myself out from the comforts of my comforter, into a quick shower to meet my sister. She had somehow hustled me into going with her to garage sales all over town after she got off work.With a protein shake and toast in my hand I was out the door by seven. We agreed to meet at her in-laws where the entire family plus my nephew were gathering. She had already made a list of places she wanted to go which actually turned into a totally different plan hitting different addresses in between the addresses she originally had planned! Try saying THAT three times fast. Now I know that Clovis isn't really that big of a city, but we managed to lose our way a couple of times having to turn around in random Culs de Sac neighborhoods (which is actually the plural term for Cul de Sac. Inside joke.) I managed to find two journals for four dollars, a steal, right? We must have hit a dozen homes one after the other all trying to get rid of things they no longer had use for. I didn't expect all of them to be perfect, but you really have to question the thought process people put into them when they are selling seat belts. Actual seat belts, you know, the ones the use in cars. I was shocked too. I must say, my favorite part of the entire day had to be when we made a pit stop at my house on the way to another location. My sister and I were in my room when I decided to show her all the things I had been collecting for my nephew since before he was born: letters, pictures, mementos and other things that incorporated both sides of his family. All these things were bundled up in a wooden chest that I planned on giving him later on in life. One of the things I put in there was a hat that my grandpa had given me when I was a baby. It was a blue cap that said "100% Boy" on it. I was holding my nephew when I took it out and my sister put it on him. He usually doesn't like hats and often pulls them off, but this one he seemed to like. She wasn't aware that I had still kept it after all these years and at that moment her eyes began filling up with tears. She was one of the closest to our grandpa and I think seeing something that he had given me on her son kind of made it like he was there witnessing the moment with us.

We eventually finished around two in the afternoon and ended the day by eating red velvet cake that Felicia had made. It was the sweet ending to our crazy and chaotic morning. By the time I got home I had enough strength to unlock my front door and crash into bed where I slept for two hours before waking up drenched in sweat. One of the disadvantages to Summer naps. I stayed up long enough to eat and play catch up with my roommates to see how their day went. I was envious to find out they had a luxuriously lazy day. But it was the first time I had spent an entire day with my sister since I moved out. Our lives and schedules clashed so we don't get to spend as much time as we'd like to with each other. It was nice having a day to reconnect again though. It's weird, for the first I realized that my sisters and I had our own separate lives full of different people, jobs and views on the world, but one thing we could always count on was each other.

As for the party that I didn't attend, it was at my friend Lauren's house. Her roommate was celebrating his 21st birthday and let's just say that the idea of spending a night watching ping pong drunks was not my idea of fun. I half expected her to text me so she could have someone else sober there to roll her eyes at, but she later told me that she went to bed early anyway. Oh, the weekends, they are never dull that's for sure. Even in small towns like Clovis.

Xoxo.
B.

I Still Believe.

"I still believe and it's more than my imagination. It's so real. I know we're going to be together."

Religion is something that I’ve been experimenting with lately. I’ve heard of people experimenting with their sexuality, but I don’t hear stories of someone experimenting with their religion. Not around here at least. I grew up in the church and pretty much got the basic idea of the Bible, this is considered wrong, that’s considered right, Heaven, Hell etc. and for twenty years I never questioned it. It wasn’t until two months ago when I woke up one day and said to myself: “Wait a second, that doesn’t make sense.” And just like that, I began a new spiritual journey.

            The basis around any religion is faith. Faith that whatever god we chose to believe in will answer our prayers, aid us with our problems or forgive us for our sins. And it is this hope we have that sinners everywhere will change their wicked ways and see the true light of said god. Now, this is America, where anyone and everyone are entitled to believe whatever they want. I personally have chosen not to believe in just one thing. I have chosen to be open to every possibility because we don’t know the answers and we don’t know what’s going to happen in the end.  The same thing is true when it comes to relationships.

            It was last week when I decided to actually open myself up to the possibility of getting involved with someone that I’ve known for a few years. He was a short fellow with eyes for both men and women. Normally this wouldn’t bother me but it’s already competitive enough in the gay community, but I would have to compete with women too? I’ve already lost a battle I haven’t even started. I thought if we spent some time together my mind would come around to the idea of him and me. So when he was in from out of town one weekend we spent some time catching up, and I kept my mind open to whatever came my way. It was alright for the most part if he would’ve just stopped ogling my female co-workers. In a naïve attempt to keep my mind from closing and having a padlock put on it I asked him to stay over. It was already four in the morning and it’d be rude of me to have him drive all the way back to where he was staying in Portales. I thought I would be forced to kick him out of my bed if he tried to make a move on me, but he was on his best behavior staying on his side of the bed the whole night. I just wish I could’ve slept better. I just laid there most of the night thinking: “There’s a boy in my bed.” I should’ve been filled with feelings excitement but all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was. I’m not used to sharing my bed with just anyone. It’s kind of hallowed ground for me, something sacred. And to have someone who I wasn’t sure I could picture myself sharing my bed with didn’t help one bit.

            I eventually found sleep in the wee hours of the morning after tossing and turning both inside my head and in my bed. We both woke up around the same time and took a quick look at each other and fell back asleep. A few minutes later I felt something creeping around my waist. It was his arm wrapping tightly around my hips like a snake with its prey. He was close enough to where I could feel his breath on the back of my neck which made my heart race. Not in a twitter patted kind of way, but in an “Easy there, big boy; I’m not that kind of guy who cuddles with just anyone” kind of way. Call me a prude, but that’s just the way it is.

            He ended up staying for a little bit after waking up then left after remembering he had plans for the day that he had to get started on. I walked him to the door, gave him a hug and shut it gently along with all my crazy ideas of us together as a couple. As I turned the deadbolt and heard it click as it locked I felt a feeling of relief and accomplishment rush over me. Maybe it didn’t work out with him, but who’s to say it can’t with someone else.

            A friend of mine said something to me one day that really stuck with me. Before, when I was contemplating if I should throw caution to the wind and jump without looking she told that I just had to have faith. I told her I didn’t know if I did and she said: “You have hope. Not faith.”

            Five words that changed that way I had always viewed relationships. I had hope, there was no doubt about that, but when faced with the idea that someone else could ever like me the way that I liked them made my chest tighten with fear. I just didn’t have faith, faith in him or faith in myself. I was the hopeful romantic with no faith.

            It’s funny how hope and faith can affect our relationships. Hope is that school girl daydream that we have about finding someone that we can fall in love with. It makes us feel bubbly and warm all over. We want to believe that it is something obtainable, but we let our lack of faith prevent us from giving ourselves completely. Hope wants to believe, faith actually believes in who you are with. That means being able to give yourself whole-heartedly to him or her.

           I am a hopeful romantic looking for someone to believe in and just like my spiritual journey that I had started, I have decided to be open to every possibility because we really don’t know what’s going to happen in the end. Whether it’s finding a religion that suits you or finding someone who completes you. Have faith.  

Xoxo.

B.

I Still Believe (Sneak Peek!)

"Religion is something that I’ve been experimenting with lately. I’ve heard of people experimenting with their sexuality, but I don’t exactly know how common it is for someone to do so with their religion. I grew up in the church and pretty much got the basic idea of the Bible, this is considered wrong, that’s considered right, Heaven, Hell etc. and for twenty years I never questioned it. It wasn’t until last month when I woke up one day and said to myself: “Wait a second, that doesn’t make sense.” And just like that, I began a new spiritual journey.

            The basis around any religion is faith. Faith that whatever god we chose to believe in will answer our prayers, aid us with our problems or forgive us for our sins. And it is this hope we have that sinners everywhere will change their wicked ways and see the true light of said god. Now, this is America, where anyone and everyone are entitled to believe whatever they want. I personally have chosen not to believe in just one thing. I have chosen to be open to every possibility because we don’t know the answer and we don’t know what’s going to happen in the end.  The same thing is true when it comes to relationships. . ."


It's not hard to believe that relationships and religion are not that different from each other. You would think that being the writer I already know how and where I want this to go, but even I don't know the answer to that one lol. I guess I just have to have faith in myself ;)


Stay Tuned!


-B. 

My Weekend Wrap Up: Heave Waves and Flaming Inferno's.

Hey guys! I have an itch to post something but the blog I've been working on isn't ready yet so I thought I'd just go ahead with another update of mine. I do enjoy my little updates. I like to think of them like the golden foil wrapper of a Ferrero Rocher before you get to the chocolaty goodness. Vanity aside, I had quite an eventful weekend full of absolute perfection and class.

Generally, my Friday nights consist of me at home buried nose deep in my laptop updating and or doing something else involving my blog or Facebook. But this Friday I decided to shake things up and go out for a change. The plan was simple: exercise our demons from the week by getting dressed up and going out. The night was our oyster and I had full intentions of rocking that pearl as an accessory. I was going to through caution to the wind and just go with the flow for once. Turns out, "going with the flow" is more like white water rafting, pulling you every which way and very unpredictable. My original plan was to just sip on cocktails with friends. But I ended up catching the last dance at a wedding reception and going to a midnight breakfast with work friends Autum Vose, Jeff Williams and Matti Archuleta. Pancakes, random moments and catty conversation. If this was what being young and care free was I had no complaints. It was two in the morning when we all had our fill and finally went home. Before going to bed I had a glass of wine with a friend who had come in from out of town. It was two hours later when I finally said goodnight to the world and fell asleep blissfully unaware of how perfect the night was. It was the first time in a long time that I stopped being who I was and just lived in the moment.

My Saturday night was spent with Lauren as we celebrated her birthday. She didn't want to do anything flashy or extravagant so we had a cookout and played a fierce round of "Apples to Apples". But what I found particularly interesting was her new undefined man friend. They were so comfortable with each other that they didn't need a definition. After all she had been through with her ex it was nice to see a smile on her face and a new light in her eyes. We had cake in the shape of lips with pink icing with a white herpes sore on it seeing how Man Friend wasn't too skilled in writing "Happy Birthday" with icing. He was attentive and sweet and out to make her birthday a special one. Judging by her body language, it was perfection at it's best.

A drama free weekend is exactly what the doctor ordered. It's funny how we sometimes take them for granted and get caught up in the stress of our weekday lives. Maybe just for a moment, even an hour, let's not think about anything and just live in the moment. And as we brave the dry almost unbearable at times heat during this Summer season let us all keep one thing in mind: Life's too short.

Xoxo.
B.

Butterfly.

"Spread your wings and prepare to fly for you have become a butterfly. . ."

The house I grew up in was loud. My father was a ghost. My mother was a homemaker. We used to have a rope tied to a tree and used it as a swing. It was right around the corner from my grandparents. We slept on the living room floor when we first moved in. My older sister’s room was the size of a small closet. We lived across the street from a church where my little sister and I would ride our bikes every day after school. I had to tape my bedroom window to prevent dirt from blowing in on windy days. There was a giant bay window in the living room where you could see the lights from the college campus just a few blocks away. Our neighbors always played their music too loud on the weekends. Every tree on our block was always lush and green while ours stayed dead all year around. At nineteen I moved out. The house I grew up in was not a house, but houses, and the family that lived in these homes was far from picture perfect.

             Now, before I stir the pot once again with my big mouth I just want to state that I probably had one of the best childhoods anyone could ever ask for. Meaning, I had food to eat, a bed to sleep in and clothes on my back. And my intentions with this blog are not to blame or bash anyone. This is not a “feel sorry for me” piece of writing. I hate being pitied. This is something that I need to do so that I can move forward with my life and keep the light I have above water. The last thing I want to do is come off like a selfish, ungrateful, horrible person. That being said let us begin.

            The man who provided the necessary goods for my conception was named Benjamin Rivera. He and my mother were married for thirteen years, but it wasn’t all wedded bliss. He was very physically abusive during their marriage. I only have maybe two or three memories of him that I keep in the back of my mind to remind myself that at one point I had someone I called “Dad”. Eventually my mom divorced him and remarried. She found love in the arms of a red neck man with a lot of love for Jesus. I don’t think we knew what was in store for us with this one.

            He was a hard working man but he always had his head in the clouds, always thinking of ways to make more money. Too bad when we actually had extra money to spend it was never managed well, which, defeated the whole purpose of making extra money. Hearing my parents constantly fight over it was something I could’ve done without.

            If I could describe what life was like living there in one word it would have to be “controlled”. Everything we did, said, thought etc. was put under strict rules. We even had to have permission for something as simple as going to a school dance weeks in advance because it was like trying to get security clearance for the C.I.A., a long process which took longer than any decision process should. I eventually stopped making attempts trying to make friends because I knew about the three ring circus I would have to perform in if I ever wanted to see them outside of school. To make matters even more complicated, they enrolled my little sister and I in homeschooling when we moved to Portales back in 2005 in the hopes that we wouldn’t become corrupted by the temptations that apparently lurked around every corner in that small town. Needless to say, I was miserable day in and day out with being homeschooled. I learned nothing and spent most of my days lying around the house. After three years of learning nothing I finally got my High School Diploma via GED classes at Clovis Community College.

It would appear that my parent’s plan to socially and emotionally stunt us would succeed, but I was not the type to do anything I didn’t want to. I started to rebel in so many big ways: sneaking out, coming home drunk, meeting boys and lying about my whereabouts sometimes was only the beginning. Thinking about it now, I feel like I wasn’t a rebel without a cause. I knew exactly what they were trying to do and I was simply refusing to lie down and take it without a fight. Their attempts to keep me from being “corrupted” only blew up in their pretty little faces when I came out to them at seventeen. I’ve already discussed this subject in a past blog so I won’t bore you with sounding like a broken record.

            It takes two to tango and while my stepdad owned some fault to destroying my self confidence and self respect I found myself particularly mad at my mom. The woman I looked up to for so many years didn’t stand up for me once. Not once did she care to see how I was doing. Not once did she speak up for my behalf. And even if she did, she sure didn’t do it in front of me while I was silently dying inside. I was so hell bent on trying to get out of that house that I decided to move in with a boyfriend at the time knowing that living with his abuse would be better than being stifled by my own parents. I didn’t need saving by God I needed someone to save me for the moment because I forgot how to do it for myself.

            Older now, I can kind of understand and see what their plan was for us. All they wanted was for us to grow up into upstanding adults of society. They succeeded; I just think they went about it all the wrong ways. They tried so hard to keep us from all the bad things in the world that they didn’t plan on us actually going out and looking for it. You can’t keep people under your thumb because at some point they’re going to start pushing back.

I spent years in my own head trying to work through all these issues. It’s been a very exhausting battle; a battle that I almost lost a few times with a high body count from all the toxic people I had to cut out in order to move forward. As much as a struggle as it was, I can’t help but be thankful in some way. I had gone from an angel who got his wings clipped to finding my shining star and now I can honestly say that I have entered the next phase of my life. This star has evolved into a butterfly and I feel so much happier flying freely in the sun. I’m ready to let go of all those ill will feelings and put them to rest. Forgetting what has happened in our past is the easy part. It's the forgiveness part that is a little trickier.

Xoxo.

B.