Fast asleep one night I awoke suddenly to the smell of a familiar scent. My window was slightly open and I could smell the morning dew fill the room with a refreshing coolness. I pulled the blankets off of me and walked to the window to open it a bit more. Leo had planted honeysuckle near my bedroom window about a year ago and I took a deep breath inhaling the beautiful aroma. It was official, spring had arrived in Eastway.
After a long and frosty winter things were finally thawing out. This was my favorite time of year. There was something about spring that just made the whole city a little bit happier. Maybe it was all the warm beautiful weather or maybe it was how everything came back to life after being dead for an entire season, but this was always a magical time of year.
I went back to bed for a few hours after a few more deep breaths thinking it was a good idea to hit the flower mart early before work. Around this time I like to have flowers in the house all season and I had to get down there before all the early birds picked over them leaving me with nothing but the flowers with broken stems and the petals on only half.
I managed to get bouquet of daisies and lilies and had to give the stink eye to a middle aged woman who looked like she was prepared to fight for them. I set them on the kitchen counter and put a pot of coffee to brew. Leo emerged from his room at the smell of caffeine. The first words out of his mouth were, “Good morning, beautiful.” wrapping his robe tighter around his body. “Good morning, Leo.” I said arranging the flowers to my liking.
“I was speaking to the flowers, but yes, you are looking quite dapper yourself this morning as well.” He said letting out a small laugh, “Oh, you and your jokes.” I said pouring two cups of coffee.
“What’s the occasion?” He asked blowing into his mug, “it’s not your birthday or mine, nobody we know has died and you’re not dating anyone so I know they’re not anniversary flowers, what gives?” I placed the vase one the window sill above the sink so that the morning light that was slowly growing stronger as we sipped our coffee hit them directly. “I just like flowers in the house when it’s spring.” I told him staring happily at the vase. I could feel Leo’s eyes look at me with curiosity. “This is one of your ‘Nostalgic Freddy’ things I don’t get isn’t it.” I sat down at the table with him and sipped on my coffee. “They just make everything seem. . . . alive.” He didn’t ask any more questions after that. I think on some level he knew what I was talking about. We smiled at each other toasting with our mugs together.
“Hey! What are you doing tonight?” he asked pouring himself a second mug. “I thought I’d stay in and catch up on some reading.” I told him thinking it’d be nice to spend an evening in with a nice book. “I knew working in that bookstore would do nothing positive for your social life.” Leo shook his head as he poured two scoops of sugar and a splash of cream into his cup. “Yes”, I said, “because a mind is terrible thing to broaden and expand.”
“And a social calendar is a terrible thing to watch fly by right before your eyes. Do you really want to end up like last season’s argyle socks? Forgotten and left behind?” Leo and fashion went hand in hand like a crack addict and his pipe or in this case, pleated pants and square toed leather shoes.
I once flipped through one of his magazines out of curiosity and complained more about how pale the models were than how cute I thought the pea coat would be in black instead of grey. The rules of fashion didn’t apply to me. The only rule I ever followed was match your belt with your shoes. Everything else was free game, in season or not. “Seriously, Leo, a little less Men’s Vogue and maybe a little more Hemingway.” I said. “Well, maybe you can help me ‘broaden and expand’ my horizons and accompany me to an art event happening tonight. We’ll make it a group outing! Just me, you, Patrick and Lila exploring the art world! What do you say?”
I contemplated the idea of being in a building with a bunch of art buffs that would be under the impression that I would know anything about a painting and the artist’s meaning behind it. Before I could answer Leo was already scribbling on a piece of paper. “Here, come by my work around this time today and we’ll hash out the details then. It’ll do you some good to get out and be around people. You’re looking pale, kiddo.” He said giving me an encouraging pat on the shoulder. “Yes, because I like being dragged to places against my will.” I said watching him walk away from the table. “And yet, I don’t hear you arguing against it!” he yelled from his room closing the door behind him. I hate when he does that.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Ever After.
With a new season come new changes, but sometimes you have to dig into the past in order to make strides to your future.
I've accepted that my life will always be changing and that I will never get comfortable enough to enjoy it before another wave of change comes, but I’ve learned to embrace change. I was in a new house with two roommates who had already made plans to move out. I could afford to live by myself in this two bedroom apartment. Maybe I’d make one a nice meditation room. But in order to maintain my lifestyle of excessive spending without a budget I would need to get a new roommate. Enter my friend Renee B.
Renee was a short blonde who had the heart of a woman and the brain of a man. With a mouth like a sailor and a gung-hoe attitude towards life she seemed to be a perfect roommate candidate. Along with our friend Taylor, another blonde with a passion for fashion as well as skulls and blood, together we created a trio that shared a love for late nights and a hatred for selling Clarisonics. Being with them was like living in my late teens all over again. It was their confidence that inspired me and our mutual non-judgmental, supportive understanding of each other that kept us together.
The one subject that always came up between us: relationships. We could spend an entire day at work talking about how Taylor and Todd were “lobsters” or how being scared to let someone in makes it difficult to trust them and even how there is someone out there for everyone. We all had a different concept of “Happily Ever After”. Taylor had moved back into town leaving her long time boyfriend in a long distance relationship. She knew in her heart that they were meant to be and that someday they’d be together again. Renee was in an up and down undefined relationship with an old flame. They’re past extended with years in the sands of time and she wondered if their wounded past could make for a beautiful future. As for me, I was going on my second year of being single. As a self proclaimed “forever single guy” my dream was to follow in the likes of all the beautiful romantics who came before me: Carrie Bradshaw, Marilyn Monroe, and to be successful at life as well as in love. I was learning to deal with the ghosts of the ones that got away. I had talked to most of them in person and wrote letters of all the things that I’ve wanted to say to the ones that I had lost touch with. Simple words on paper, but powerful blows to the ghosts of men that I kept summoning to occupy the loneliness I often felt. It was just what I needed to explain my side of the story; even if that meant sometimes putting holes through the paper from scribbling too hard.
We all come from different backgrounds of love, but they are all filled with the same fulfillment, losses, tears of both joy and sadness and the ultimate pursuit of happiness. I look at couples all the time. They come in different shapes, colors and sizes. I believe in couples and what they can accomplish if they learn how to believe in each other. It’s the relationships that last a week, a day, or an hour that make me wonder: are most people just looking for someone to solve their problems? Are they looking for someone who can explain to them why they feel so broken? Relationships are not therapy sessions, relationships are special and one of a kind that require you to love yourself enough to be open with another person and they should be treated as such. I can only sum it up best with this quote from the lovely and talented Rupaul: “If you don’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love someone else?” Can I get an Amen? New friends can make you see the world a bit differently even how we see “Happily Ever After”. Maybe Renee, Taylor and I didn’t just get the same job, maybe we found each other to help us understand the difference between a relationship and a fantasy, because like most fantasies, you always wake up just before the bottom drops and when it comes to relationships it’s who’s there at the bottom waiting for you to catch you when you fall.
I’ve come to realize that I’m always going to be working up a new mountain every time I finish climbing another. As exhausting as it is sometimes to be working towards a new goal for personal growth, I am truly humbled by the end of it. But with friends like mine, laughter is always the best medicine to cure even the most painful of heartaches.
Xoxo,
B.
I've accepted that my life will always be changing and that I will never get comfortable enough to enjoy it before another wave of change comes, but I’ve learned to embrace change. I was in a new house with two roommates who had already made plans to move out. I could afford to live by myself in this two bedroom apartment. Maybe I’d make one a nice meditation room. But in order to maintain my lifestyle of excessive spending without a budget I would need to get a new roommate. Enter my friend Renee B.
Renee was a short blonde who had the heart of a woman and the brain of a man. With a mouth like a sailor and a gung-hoe attitude towards life she seemed to be a perfect roommate candidate. Along with our friend Taylor, another blonde with a passion for fashion as well as skulls and blood, together we created a trio that shared a love for late nights and a hatred for selling Clarisonics. Being with them was like living in my late teens all over again. It was their confidence that inspired me and our mutual non-judgmental, supportive understanding of each other that kept us together.
The one subject that always came up between us: relationships. We could spend an entire day at work talking about how Taylor and Todd were “lobsters” or how being scared to let someone in makes it difficult to trust them and even how there is someone out there for everyone. We all had a different concept of “Happily Ever After”. Taylor had moved back into town leaving her long time boyfriend in a long distance relationship. She knew in her heart that they were meant to be and that someday they’d be together again. Renee was in an up and down undefined relationship with an old flame. They’re past extended with years in the sands of time and she wondered if their wounded past could make for a beautiful future. As for me, I was going on my second year of being single. As a self proclaimed “forever single guy” my dream was to follow in the likes of all the beautiful romantics who came before me: Carrie Bradshaw, Marilyn Monroe, and to be successful at life as well as in love. I was learning to deal with the ghosts of the ones that got away. I had talked to most of them in person and wrote letters of all the things that I’ve wanted to say to the ones that I had lost touch with. Simple words on paper, but powerful blows to the ghosts of men that I kept summoning to occupy the loneliness I often felt. It was just what I needed to explain my side of the story; even if that meant sometimes putting holes through the paper from scribbling too hard.
We all come from different backgrounds of love, but they are all filled with the same fulfillment, losses, tears of both joy and sadness and the ultimate pursuit of happiness. I look at couples all the time. They come in different shapes, colors and sizes. I believe in couples and what they can accomplish if they learn how to believe in each other. It’s the relationships that last a week, a day, or an hour that make me wonder: are most people just looking for someone to solve their problems? Are they looking for someone who can explain to them why they feel so broken? Relationships are not therapy sessions, relationships are special and one of a kind that require you to love yourself enough to be open with another person and they should be treated as such. I can only sum it up best with this quote from the lovely and talented Rupaul: “If you don’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love someone else?” Can I get an Amen? New friends can make you see the world a bit differently even how we see “Happily Ever After”. Maybe Renee, Taylor and I didn’t just get the same job, maybe we found each other to help us understand the difference between a relationship and a fantasy, because like most fantasies, you always wake up just before the bottom drops and when it comes to relationships it’s who’s there at the bottom waiting for you to catch you when you fall.
I’ve come to realize that I’m always going to be working up a new mountain every time I finish climbing another. As exhausting as it is sometimes to be working towards a new goal for personal growth, I am truly humbled by the end of it. But with friends like mine, laughter is always the best medicine to cure even the most painful of heartaches.
Xoxo,
B.
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