Sunday marks the beginning of a new week. Everything is fresh and new and once again our slate gets wiped clean. I for one am happy about this. If I could describe last week in one word it would have to be: renewing. But naturally I took the long way to get to that point.
I was doing a lot of thinking about a few things and one of those things was finally reaching acceptance about the situation concerning my mom. I spent a month or so going through the motions going back and forth between denial and anger before reaching depression. Feeling that pain and rejection was the most intense pain I had ever endured. I was like having someone’s hands around your neck and trying to fight them off, but no matter how hard you try their grip just gets tighter and finally you just want it to end. I had never felt so alone and abandoned before. I lied on top of the broken pieces that was my heart, feeling the shards cut me every time I moved waiting for relief. And then one day, while at work, I had a thought: I needed to forgive. Simply forgive. Not for her, not for anyone else, but for myself. I knew that it wouldn’t change anything, but at least I could fly freely on the wings of forgiveness. I took a deep breath and said a little prayer to the universe letting it be known that I forgave her.
I was also coming to the end of my story with a man who had been the prince on a white horse in my fairytale. Friendly by nature and sweet as the words he would say to me, I was smitten by him since the first day we met four years ago. It takes a real special man to have me twisted in such a way that I can’t even think straight, and that’s what this man was to me; someone so special that I would’ve done just about anything just to feel his heartbeat against mine. But we were on two different paths of life. He was conquering the medical field and gearing up to start the next phase of his life and I am but a mere flower child with stars in my eyes and my head in the clouds. So I did what any rational thinking human being would do, I set those butterflies free. If you care about something you must set it free and if it’s meant to be they will come back. He will always hold a special place in my heart and I continue to send him love and light every time I think about him.
Letting go of two of the most important people in my life took a huge part of me. It probably didn’t help that I was stressing so much about every little thing that it actually triggered a panic attack one night. It felt like I was drowning in myself, my body shook uncontrollably, it was hard to breathe and I thought this was how it was all going to end. I was scared to death. I rocked back and forth taking deep breaths and talking to my roommate who was prepared to take me to the hospital. I finally calmed myself down around two in the morning and went to bed clutching the blankets tightly around me hoping that it would be different in the morning.
After getting over what I hoped was just a onetime thing, I was overjoyed when my friend Amanda H. invited me out for margaritas on Saturday night. We hadn’t seen each other in two years and I couldn’t remember the last time I had so much fun. She introduced me to “Dosritas”, which was a margarita with an upside down Dos Equis bottle in it. One thing led to another and we managed to have three of them. She caught me up on what was going on with her life which consisted of going on an ambulance call where she had actual brain matter on her hands from a man who had attempted suicide. And this is right before we met up. “Now I can say what brain matter feels like,” she said. Her eyes lit up as she talked about it and she apologized for the imagery. “I have a morbid fascination for it I guess.” She said proudly. I couldn’t help but compare it to having Chanel perfume on my hands. We laughed all night watching other people who were sitting at the bar along with us. She pointed to a couple next to us who looked like they were on an awkward first date. “Look at their body language.” She pointed out. They both had their arm crossed which is a sign of their guard being up. It was the first time I had real adult fun and we decided to make it a monthly thing.
If it’s one thing I learned this past week it’s prioritizing your time. When we get so wrapped up in our schedules we end up drowning in the stress we create from them. When I actually left my daily life full of fighting the demons of my present, pre-sells, men troubles and maintaining the perfect appearance I found relief at the end of it with friends and family who are willing to jump to my aid at a moment’s notice. Their love provides a safety net for me to fall back on even when I feel like I’m on shaky ground. So take some time for yourself! Give yourself a manicure, grab a drink with the girls or even write a few pages down in a journal. I guarantee once you get that stress out of your body the morning after is much brighter. Life may not always be glamorous but it’s worth more than all the money in the world.
Have a fun and safe Halloween this year!
Xoxo.
B.
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