Love 2.1

It’s funny how life as we think we know it can change in the blink of an eye. One minute you’re sitting on top of the world watching everything below then something comes along, grabs your world and shakes it just a bit. Suddenly, you have to conform to a new way of thinking. Your daily routine gets tweaked ever so slightly and you have to think of new inventive ways of staying alive. I’ve come to realize that this is how life works.

            Here I sit in a room where I did a lot of growing up in the past year. I look around at these four walls that created an environment entirely made of acceptance and freedom. I look at the pictures on my dresser slightly covered in dust because of my lack of tidying up skills. I’m in almost all of them and I used to think that was because I am very vain, but looking at them now I see my face in a different background each telling a different story, but with the same smile that just says, “Hey look, Ben! You were here!” I like to look at this like an emotional growth chart. It’s me in all these pictures, but I was at a different emotional state in all of them. It starts out awkward and afraid to rebellious and troubled to hitting rock bottom before settling to working my way up. I can honestly say that I have felt more alive in the past year than I ever have in my entire life. A lot of it had to do with making some drastic decisions, taking some risky chances and ultimately stop trying to force everything and just let them happen in their own time.

            In past blogs I talk about my slight addiction I had to alcohol. I know everyone’s definition of “addicted” is different so that’s why I stand firm in saying that yes, I was addicted. I used it to fit in, to run away from my problems, to overall mask the unhappiness that I was feeling; settling me comfortably into the depression that I had put myself in. No one could help me stop drinking. I knew if I wanted to stop I was going to have to be the one to say, “Alright, I think you’ve done enough damage. Look at yourself. You look like a hung over mess. Get your ass in a shower and then let’s start cleaning up this mess.” I was stupid enough to keep doing it for a few years, but not stupid enough to not know that that was the key to my freedom.

            Quitting was the easy part. I started by going cold turkey slowly working my way up from there. Just until I learned how to control my intake and be the proper inebriated that the situation would call for. Example: The Christmas party for your job? No; game night at home with friends? Yes. I started drinking tons of water and tea to rehydrate and cleanse my body of all the toxins both emotional and physical sort of speak. I needed to feel like I started over. Everything that had happened over the last few years no longer existed as far as I was concerned. I began staying home more in an effort to get my body used to sleeping eight hours again instead of three or four. I was seeing friends less and often turned down social invitations from them. I wasn’t just spending time at home; I needed to isolate myself so I could detoxify my mind, body and soul. It allowed me to sit with my thoughts and start diving into the swamp that was my mind. I dipped my toe into those dirty waters as I began to rehash past mistakes. I had to stop dwelling on each and every single time I tried to show the world I was human by doing something that earned me unworthy attention. Forgiveness is the hardest lesson to learn. Especially for one’s self. It requires a certain level of vulnerability that can almost be overwhelming.

            “Your road to glory will be difficult, but fulfilling.” I had received that tiny piece of wisdom from an old fortune cookie earlier this year. Call me a believer in New Age philosophy, but I couldn’t help but believe that it held some truth to it. Maybe I didn’t understand it at the time, but it began slowly revealing itself in a bunch of different ways. When it comes to people I’ve learned that there are going to be a few in your life that you will come across who will say a lot of things to you that will stick with you throughout your whole life. It could be “Don’t be afraid” “You’re important to me” or “Don’t you want to have a relationship with me?” It’s weird how simple sentences of just a few words seem to leave their mark on our life trail. We can try to scuff them away into the dirt but no matter how hard you try you’ll just be getting your shoes dusty. One of the worst things you can ever hear another human being say is: I’m giving up.

            I have the upmost faith in every human being that they can overcome whatever mountain they seem to be facing. I know that we all have a source of strength within ourselves that can be tapped into if we just realize that no problem is that big after all. Seeing another person refuse to tap into their strength and decide that they are just going to give up on everything: life, love, happiness, friends, family, had to be the saddest sight I had ever seen in my entire life. I never had someone on the other end of a phone call verbally say and mean it when they said: “I’m done with everything and everyone. I just want to be left alone forever. You can just forget about me and no one will ever be bothered by me again.” And what do you do when you can’t say or do anything to change their mind? That person died that night. Not physically, but inside my heart. I sat quietly as a big part of me died. Like trying to hold on to water, it slipped right through my fingers. Every now and then it will hit me in waves and wash over me in such a bittersweet way as it plays with my broken heartstrings. I know I’ll grow to accept it in time, but for now I sit and watch the waves roll by.

            I do believe in a couple of things: a daily moisturizing routine, Ricola throat lozenges and most importantly, love. I didn’t have any real good examples of what love really is growing up. There was just something inside of me that always knew that no matter what love does in fact conquer all. And I knew that it would never let me down if I just believed in it. So I began putting love out there into the universe and in return I received more love than I ever thought could exist. Love is everywhere I go. It’s in the morning sunlight that pours itself into my windows every day; it’s in a gentle breeze the way it brushes gently across my face. I can even find it in the eyes of a little boy who has so much love in his tiny hands. I have been given a beautiful chance to experience love unlike I ever have before. Growing up with a broken heart most of my life I can honestly say that learning to love yourself is the first step to healing. Getting over that mountain is the hard part, then comes opening yourself up to others and allowing them to love you back. It’s really an amazing and eye opening journey of self discovery. The work is hard but the reward is worth it.

            This is all probably just a long winded way of saying that I’ve grown up in the past year since my last birthday, but I can’t stress enough how much it has changed me in so many positive ways. I’m actually happy and I want nothing more than to share that happiness with everyone. I’m in control of my life for the first time and it and that is something I will not apologize for. I’ve been called “selfish” and a “snob” for standing up for myself and not succumbing to what other’s wanted me to be. That’s ok, I’ve been called worse and I’m pretty sure that won’t be the last time my name will be used in a negative way. “You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies. You may tread me in the very dirt, but still, like dust, I’ll rise.” Here I stand on the edge of a new adventure, a new life. My name is Benjamin Tomas. I like eating pop tarts at midnight and seeing people happy is what I live for. I am also twenty-one and I’m finally ready to start living my life. 

Xoxo.

B.