Religion is something that I’ve been experimenting with lately. I’ve heard of people experimenting with their sexuality, but I don’t hear stories of someone experimenting with their religion. Not around here at least. I grew up in the church and pretty much got the basic idea of the Bible, this is considered wrong, that’s considered right, Heaven, Hell etc. and for twenty years I never questioned it. It wasn’t until two months ago when I woke up one day and said to myself: “Wait a second, that doesn’t make sense.” And just like that, I began a new spiritual journey.
The basis around any religion is faith. Faith that whatever god we chose to believe in will answer our prayers, aid us with our problems or forgive us for our sins. And it is this hope we have that sinners everywhere will change their wicked ways and see the true light of said god. Now, this is America, where anyone and everyone are entitled to believe whatever they want. I personally have chosen not to believe in just one thing. I have chosen to be open to every possibility because we don’t know the answers and we don’t know what’s going to happen in the end. The same thing is true when it comes to relationships.
It was last week when I decided to actually open myself up to the possibility of getting involved with someone that I’ve known for a few years. He was a short fellow with eyes for both men and women. Normally this wouldn’t bother me but it’s already competitive enough in the gay community, but I would have to compete with women too? I’ve already lost a battle I haven’t even started. I thought if we spent some time together my mind would come around to the idea of him and me. So when he was in from out of town one weekend we spent some time catching up, and I kept my mind open to whatever came my way. It was alright for the most part if he would’ve just stopped ogling my female co-workers. In a naïve attempt to keep my mind from closing and having a padlock put on it I asked him to stay over. It was already four in the morning and it’d be rude of me to have him drive all the way back to where he was staying in Portales. I thought I would be forced to kick him out of my bed if he tried to make a move on me, but he was on his best behavior staying on his side of the bed the whole night. I just wish I could’ve slept better. I just laid there most of the night thinking: “There’s a boy in my bed.” I should’ve been filled with feelings excitement but all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was. I’m not used to sharing my bed with just anyone. It’s kind of hallowed ground for me, something sacred. And to have someone who I wasn’t sure I could picture myself sharing my bed with didn’t help one bit.
I eventually found sleep in the wee hours of the morning after tossing and turning both inside my head and in my bed. We both woke up around the same time and took a quick look at each other and fell back asleep. A few minutes later I felt something creeping around my waist. It was his arm wrapping tightly around my hips like a snake with its prey. He was close enough to where I could feel his breath on the back of my neck which made my heart race. Not in a twitter patted kind of way, but in an “Easy there, big boy; I’m not that kind of guy who cuddles with just anyone” kind of way. Call me a prude, but that’s just the way it is.
He ended up staying for a little bit after waking up then left after remembering he had plans for the day that he had to get started on. I walked him to the door, gave him a hug and shut it gently along with all my crazy ideas of us together as a couple. As I turned the deadbolt and heard it click as it locked I felt a feeling of relief and accomplishment rush over me. Maybe it didn’t work out with him, but who’s to say it can’t with someone else.
A friend of mine said something to me one day that really stuck with me. Before, when I was contemplating if I should throw caution to the wind and jump without looking she told that I just had to have faith. I told her I didn’t know if I did and she said: “You have hope. Not faith.”
Five words that changed that way I had always viewed relationships. I had hope, there was no doubt about that, but when faced with the idea that someone else could ever like me the way that I liked them made my chest tighten with fear. I just didn’t have faith, faith in him or faith in myself. I was the hopeful romantic with no faith.
It’s funny how hope and faith can affect our relationships. Hope is that school girl daydream that we have about finding someone that we can fall in love with. It makes us feel bubbly and warm all over. We want to believe that it is something obtainable, but we let our lack of faith prevent us from giving ourselves completely. Hope wants to believe, faith actually believes in who you are with. That means being able to give yourself whole-heartedly to him or her.
I am a hopeful romantic looking for someone to believe in and just like my spiritual journey that I had started, I have decided to be open to every possibility because we really don’t know what’s going to happen in the end. Whether it’s finding a religion that suits you or finding someone who completes you. Have faith.
Xoxo.
B.
No comments:
Post a Comment