Breakdown.

There I was, at work rolling silverware when it hit me, this overwhelming need for air. I step out the back door and take a few deep breaths but even that doesn’t seem to help. It feels like air is slipping away faster than I can take it in and I’m starting to panic because it feels like someone has a tight grip on my chest and stomach. This feeling lasts a few minutes before subsiding long enough for me to clock out and get home. On my way home I burst into tears because I know this is all stress related. I had become so unhappy at my job over the last few months. Everything about it had just become so repetitive and even more frustrating by the fact that my co-workers were quitting, thinking about quitting or so unmotivated to work that the rest of us had to pick up their slack. With everything that was going on in my professional life I had a lot more going on in my personal life. You see, my mom and stepdad were trying to figure things out within their marriage and it was really affecting me and my sisters. I myself had spent two weeks wallowing in that mess just drinking from its dirty waters. It was bitter as it went down and began tearing me up inside. I questioned the definition of “family” and sometimes couldn’t bring myself to smile at all. Both my professional and personal life were merging into one and taking on a new life and I wasn’t strong enough to control it. I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of it all and I couldn’t do anything about it but ride it out.

          When I got home I crawled into bed and cried. I cried for everything that had happened, everything I tried and failed at, everything I couldn’t change and all the things I wish I could do to make things better. I was having trouble breathing again and my stomach felt worse than it did before. I was feeling so alone and upset that I looked through my phone to call one of my friends over. I text my friend Abel, but I changed my mind because the last thing I wanted him to see was me being an emotional wreck. To make things better, I had developed a slight fever and body aches to go along with everything else. At one point I jumped from my bed to splash cold water on my face. I looked in the mirror and saw a red eyed mess staring back at me. I slumped to my bathroom floor without drying my face and let water and tears run down my face. This was round two of what I assumed was this storm that had been brewing inside of me for quite some time. I could only hope that I would make it to the eye of the storm and soon. I stayed there at least half an hour wrapped in a towel because of the chills from the fever. I finally scrapped myself off the floor, drew the blinds and crawled right back into bed where I stayed for the rest of the night.

          This wasn’t your typical “I’m having a bad day” situation. This was a direct result of pushing everything down over the last few months in hopes that it would all work out if I just ignored it which is, mentally, unhealthy. My unhappiness at work, my problems with my family, people constantly relying on me for things, thinking I need to do EVERYTHING and my unexplainable need for perfection, it all finally caught up with me. I had been spreading myself out way too thin in every area of my life and I think my mind, body and soul took the hit. I don’t think I had ever felt so helpless and out of my comfort zone in all my twenty years of life. To feel that kind of emotional stress was more than I could handle. I think about it now and maybe this “breakdown” was a blessing in disguise.

I had spent so long trying to make people believe that I was doing ok in hopes that maybe at some point I’d believe it too, but as it turns out, I was only enabling myself from facing my issues. Maybe this emotional upset was really a wake-up call. If I’m ever going to have control over my life again then I have to take it back by any means necessary. This could get ugly or set off a chain reaction that could change my life, but, good or bad, at least I can go to bed at night happy with the fact that I stood up for myself.

J <3

B.