Most stories start at the beginning and this one isn’t any different. This story does start at the beginning; my death. Death is usually a gloomy subject and associated with bitter endings, but this death wasn’t a physically one but just another layer of myself that passed away and in it I found a new life, which led to a rebirth.
The panic disorder that I had been living with had one day magically lifted from my shoulders and I was once again free from the shackles that restrained me. I had forgiven and forgotten the incident with my mother that had set that chain of reaction off, but I had noticed that there were other issues that were suddenly coming to the surface that I felt that I had to deal with. It felt like something in me died. I sank into a depression that even all the glitter in the world couldn’t pull me out of. When I wasn’t at my job I spent my time locked in my room lying in bed. On my day offs I would spend the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep staring out the window watching the sky change colors as the hours passed by. I felt like I had been split into three people: “The Heart”, he was the one that I felt like on the inside, feeling as if I was always on the verge of breaking down to cry and who hid underneath the blankets wanting to disappear from the world, “The Brain”, was the one that I kept for the public to keep up with appearances on the outside. He made sure that his smile was bright and his head held high so not to have anyone become suspicious of the emotional war that was raging inside him, and finally, there was “The Middleman” who silently watched all this happen from the inside out. He was the one who I connected with the most. My body felt like an empty vessel and he kept the other two balanced, having them not overlap the other. It was almost like he was the real me while the real me had taken a wrong turn and got lost somewhere.
As the weeks turned to months I had given up. I accepted that all this emotional and mental turmoil was going to be my life from now on and I needed to stop trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel and start following suit. The three Ben’s seemed to be taking care of me just fine. It wasn’t the perfect life, but it was the only one I knew existed. It was like all the colors in the world faded to black and I was left standing alone in the dark. The person I thought I knew was now gone.
My friend Kim came into my job one night and she asked me if everything was OK with me. I lied and said I was. The last thing I needed was to verbally vomit all over her about what I was feeling on a day to day basis. All she had to say was, “You just seem . . . . . sad.” As I watched her eyes well up with tears it hit me that my mask was starting to break at the cracks and now people could see me for what I was. It was time that the three Ben’s and I figured this whole thing out, but little did I know, it was going to get worse before it got better.
Wednesday night was typically a night for margaritas with friends and listening to people sing bad karaoke. But I was there to nurse my aching heart. I had been in touch with an old crush the night before and after spending some time with him I quickly realized that he had his goals set and I wasn’t one of them. Which, is ok, I’m adult enough to accept something I can’t change, but doesn’t mean I couldn’t get a little hurt feelings in the process. I’m only human.
Two patron margaritas and one long island iced tea later, I found myself at a house with my friends. In my drunken haze there’s that small window in which my emotions will take possession of my body and I’ll lose control of what I say after. It’s like a blackout except I get to watch what happens from somewhere else inside my mind. I think this is where The Heart took full control because I took a seat right next to The Middleman and he and I watched as the events that happened unfolded right before us. No more smiling, no more faking it, this was ending and alcohol wasn’t quenching my thirst. I wanted blood.
After a few failed attempts at calling my crush I ended up calling my sister which resulted in a screaming match between us. Not really one of my finest moments, but sometimes being honest can get pretty ugly. I can still feel the dirt between my fingers as I sat on the ground resting on my knees yelling into my phone. I told her all the horrible things I had been feeling, I made sure that the proper blame was placed on the correct people and I was done hearing all the gossip and strife surrounding me on a daily basis. Naturally, she had some things to say herself. Too bad I didn’t hear them because I ended up throwing my phone in the street, watching it break apart.
The next morning, running on three hours of sleep, hung over with blood shot eyes to match, I walked into work receiving a text message from my mother who attempted to chew me out for and my older sister “running our mouths”. It was The Brains turn in the ring. Keeping my class and dignity I told her exactly how I felt trying to bring to her attention just how far her “courageous attitude” had gotten her, but like many times before it went in one ear and out the other. For the first time I could see through her tough exterior. She was trying to intimidate me just like she always did all my life but it didn’t work this time. I expressed honestly my emotions without losing my cool. Something I couldn’t say for her. Alas, what’s done is done. We drew our lines in the sand and this time I wasn’t looking back.
Later that night after what seemed like the day that wouldn’t end I fell into bed happy to receive some much needed rest. I had a night terror that night. I had a history of those in the past and this one started out like they always did: A shadow figure would come to me and try to hold me down choking the life out of me in the process. The figure followed through with its routine accept this time after pushing it off me I usually woke up, but after doing so I remained in its realm motionless waiting in fear for what would happen next. Looking taken off guard that I had displayed the slightest bit of bravery it threw itself on my legs almost in a last attempt to place its presence of fear back into my life. But I simply tossed it to the side and woke up with a gasp, my heart almost pounding out of my chest. That moment must’ve lasted seconds but it felt like forever.
I eventually fell back to sleep and woke up the next morning feeling different. It was like I had woken up from a bad dream and maybe I did, but there was something missing, The Three Ben’s. I couldn’t feel their presence anymore and I suddenly felt more connected with myself. I pulled open my curtains to find a beautiful sunny day outside. The sunshine poured into my room brightening up every corner. I couldn’t help but think that the rain that was my depression had passed and now there was nothing but light on my path. Colors seemed more vibrant, I was happy to be around people and I’m pretty sure a smile found its way to my face. I was happy again, actually happy. I could feel something in my veins flowing freely in my blood. It tickled every nerve ending as it traveled through my body. Maybe all I really needed was to stand up to the one person who I once feared and with that lied my freedom.
A friend once wrote to me that when she feels like giving up she tells herself: There’s a rainbow coming in just a little while. And maybe, just maybe mine had found its way back to my sky.
Xoxo.
B.
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