Unthinkable.

New Year’s Eve over time has been built up to be this glamorous evening filled with love, friendship and forgetting one’s mistakes from the year. But what happens when your mistakes are carried over to the New Year?

          My history with this certain person began as we were entering fall last year. It started out innocently enough, a “Hi” here and a “How are you?” there. But it wasn’t until Halloween that our innocent relationship was taken to a whole new level. Me and “X” (as in, I’ll explain our complicated situation) were completed inebriated, or at least I was, when we tugged at each other’s heart strings that night. It was clear before then that there were feelings for each other, but I didn’t know if I was ready to jump into something new just yet. I barely knew anything about X except that we worked together and yet, I still jumped without knowing what was waiting for me when I got to the bottom. We shared kisses and eventually spent the night together and JUST slept. We woke up the next morning confused, hung over, but most of all curious. What did this mean for us? Was it just a slumber party with something warm to cuddle? I said that I’d feel more comfortable “letting nature run the show” which is what I always said when I was unsure about it myself and didn’t feel like discussing it anymore. Michael and Ashlee who had stayed over also walked in and saw us together and didn’t say anything (just yet) but when X left for work they didn’t hold back asking the same questions I was asking myself earlier that morning. I just hope that whatever was to become of the two of us it would work itself out without anyone getting hurt. Oh, how I wish on all the stars in the sky that it could’ve gone that way.

          It seems that nature took us down that path of “relationship”, but it was alcohol yet again that was the thought process behind it. X had been pushing the issue of “why won’t you give me a chance?” over and over constantly through the night and as hard as I tried to stick to my guns one word uttered from my lips, “Yes”. And just like that, I was in a relationship. I couldn’t wait to share the news with Megan, Michael and Ashlee later that afternoon when we all got together for lunch, but I couldn’t help but wonder: Was this what I truly wanted? Was this how people really got together? Did it really take persistence and alcohol to get the ball rolling? This isn’t what I was used to. I was used to going through my day sending endless texts to each other then meeting up later for a few hours of hanging out then finally, staying up all night till one of us had to go to bed. I was the kind of guy who dated and was happy getting to know someone slowly and letting it evolve into something deeper. Maybe I got caught up in the shimmer and shine of my new relationship. I had just gotten over a previous relationship that left me heartbroken and I guess it was nice just to be wanted and needed again. We saw each other whenever we could, but our schedules clashed most of the time so we only saw each other about a once or twice a week. This is what a grown up relationship was, right?

          A few weeks into our couple status and I began analyzing us. Megan had even asked me during a movie night at her house, “How are you guys doing?” I told her, “Its real grown up. We don’t have to see each other every day or keep in touch between then, but so far it’s good.” What I didn’t know was that everything I had just said was everything I hated about us. It was time to snap out of this fantasy I was in filled with drunken weekends and feelings that I wasn’t truly feeling. I wasn’t feeling butterflies in my stomach, these were pangs of guilt because deep down I knew this wasn’t what I had wanted all along. The only question was: How was I going to tell X without breaking a heart in the process? I won’t go into detail about the talk we had or the awkwardness that followed. Just know that we somehow moved past it and eventually became friends again.

          So here we were on New Year’s Eve. The ball had already dropped and it was 2AM by the time I met up with my friends at a hotel room for an after party. It was a lot of fun just being with the people who meant so much to me listening to music and having a good time. Even though I had made a promise to not drink I fell into peer pressure and had a couple drinks. However, I forgot that I hadn’t eaten since earlier that day so it hit me pretty fast. It was 4 or 5 when Michael and Ashlee wanted breakfast so they left and it was just me and X there alone. One minute we were talking and the next we were kissing. I knew in my heart that it was wrong, but when you get two people plus alcohol and emotions, a lethal combination is made and someone is going to get hurt. Somewhere in my altered state of mind I realized that what we were doing was wrong so I stopped us and began to cry. X grabbed my hand trying to comfort me, but there was nothing anyone could do. I looked at X and said, “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I’m doing this to you again.” We just looked at each other in silence as tears continued to fall down my face. I was having an epiphany. It was something that I had realized during the months of ups and downs with X and it was something that I had to get out. So in my emotional state of mind I looked up and said, “You are the one I WANT to want.” I wanted nothing more than to be happy and content in the arms of this amazing person, but no matter how hard I tried it just wasn’t clicking. The song “Unthinkable” by Alicia Keys was playing in the background as we sat in silence on the bed hand in hand. There was nothing more I could say that would change the atmosphere of the situation. This was truly a moment of honesty and I knew that this was it, third strike and I was out. I not only broke a heart for the third time, but I began looking at myself. I hate that I had hurt someone so many times and I was the one crying while X just kept looking down. What was wrong with me? Why did I keep doing this? At that moment Michael and Ashlee walked in and I quickly wiped the tears out of my eyes, sat up straight and smiled, but they weren’t dumb. They knew something had happened but before they could ask I told them I was heading home. I cried all the way home and fell asleep on my bed with my shoes and jacket on. I hoped and prayed that it would all go away by the time I had to wake up for work, but it didn’t.

          I went in later that night into my job where my friend Joy Larrabee asked me how I was doing. I told her that I hated the fact that I had the ability to hurt someone so much. She simply fixed my collar of my jacket and said, “It’s not like you went directly out of your way to hurt X. You were having fun. I’m glad you realize what you were doing and stopped though.” Her words gave me a sense of comfort in my guilty state of mind. It was then that I made the conscious to stop drinking. Looking back at our history there was one thing tying it all together: Alcohol; every time we had a fight or saw each other it was during a party. If that was what was causing all my problems in my love life it was time I made a change. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else like I had hurt X. Whoever fate was going to send my way next was going to see that I’m more than just a party boy. I owed it to the both of us. As for our future, I just hoped X could forgive me and maybe somewhere down the road we would both find what we were looking for.

Xoxo.

B.